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Book critiks shood be treeted az the farmers do their swine – rung, and then turned out to critysize.
The man with little branes, and the man with little ammunishun, shood hunt alike; they shood take ame a good while, and then always shut, into a flock. Avoyd single burds.
Deer reeder, don't find fawlt with an awthur who makes yu laff; it is no more an evidence of weekness to laff than it iz ov strength tew look mad.
Menny ov the enormittys ov life have bin committed in the name ov religun – enormittys that make h – l blossom like the rose.
Bewty never dies; it iz like truth; they both hav an immortality sumwhare.
I hav got a fust rate opinyun ov resignashun, but i don't think enny man iz in dewty bound to thank the Lord every time sum careless cuss steps on hiz soar tow.
We hear a grate deel about progresshun, and the importunse ov it, but i am just big phool enuff to think that 8 or 10 ov the new things are either false, or are old things spiled bi altering.
What mankind stand most in need ov, just now, is simplissity.
Men judge each other bi their suksess, not bi their undertakings; but the Lord judges bi the undertaking, not bi the suksess.
Thare iz a grate deel more timidity among men than thare iz temerity; one iz the attribute ov littleness, and the other ov grateness.
The best kind ov purfewm for the person, that i know ov, iz cleenness.
Truth iz radicul; fickshun iz consurvativ.
What a man must hav, he kan most ginnerally git.
Thare iz no such thing az clozing our ize to the fakt that tilting skirts enable us to see a good deel more ov fashunable sosiety.
Sudden ritches don't often improve ennybody.
Vertchew walks without help, but vice goes on crutches.
Thare iz one advantage in being poor: thare ain't no danger ov mistaking flattery for praze.
Bobtaled peekox don't travel mutch on their pride.
Take the axidents out ov this life, and how menny men iz thare who wood sukseed or fale?
Friendship iz a mirror which we hold up tew uthers, tew see ourselfs in.
Deep thinkers laff with their mowth.
A man iz a phool just in proporshun az he iz known better bi sumboddy else than he knows himself.
Novelty iz a good deel like a kitten's tale, soon played out.
The world owes most ov its refinement tu 2 verry difrunt things – the Bible, and the looking-glass.
Trew critysism consists in giving a man credit for the good things he sez, and not cussin him for the good things he don't say.
XV.
BILLIARDS
Evryboddy seems tew be gitting crazy over a new game, which haz jist bin diskovered, called billyards.
It iz played on the top ov a tabel which iz a little longer than it iz square, and the game seems tew konsist in pushing sum round red bawls agin sum round white bawls, until they drop into sum little pudding bags which are hung unto the outside ov the tabel.
It takes 2 men tew play the game, but 4 or 5 can look on.
They take oph their coats, and stand clus up to the tabel, with a short piece ov a fishpole in their hands, which has a chalk mark onto the end ov it.
Then one begins, by giving one ov the bawls a punch in the belly, which sends it agin the next one's belly, and so on, till the other fellow's turn fur punching comes on.
But yu ought tew see the game; it kant be delineated bi words.
One feller generally beats the other feller, and then he pays the landlord ov the consarn 25 cents fur the privilege ov gitting beat, and buys sum gin, with lemonade in it, and aul hands drink.
Then 2 more takes holt ov the fishpoles, and they punch fur a spell, and so it goes on till 2 o'clock in the morning; then each goes hum, having enjoyed fine exercise, a little drunk perhaps; but the muscles in their breast are so expanded that they can't ketch the consumption nor the smaul pox.
This iz billyards.
XVI.
JOSH BILLINGS "RIZES."
Gentlemen and Mister Chairman: —
I rise with grate diffidence fur the fust time in mi life, tew address an impromptew assemblage. What i can say iz instant, and i kant alter it; i kant sit doun, or stand up, and studdy a thing out, enny more than i kan sit doun and think how tew lift a ton. We have met here just fur fun; and i beleaf that aul things, including truth, hav a fun redikilous side tew them, and i fully beleaf, that while Satan, with consumate skill, fills hiz ranks bi the arts ov seduction, virtue should resort tew the same means. I beleaf in sugar-coated pills, and i beleaf that virtue and wisdom kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good natured proverb, better and deeper than to be morticed into it with a wormwood mallet and chisel. We hav met tew celebrate the birth-day ov a Sunday newspaper; the child iz a year old and iz growing nicely. Sum people doubt the propriety ov Sunday newspapers; they seem tew think that the Sabbath waz made only fur the acts ov sectarian worship, but i beleaf that religion was never designed az a bizness, but only tew regulate and correct bizzness with, – I should az soon think ov tunelling Hoosick Mounting bi prayer, – when a people devote aul their time tew religion, superstition and bigotry are sure tew prevale.
Man iz the only thing created with power tew laff; birds and flowers can almost dew it, and dogs would like tew. Mules smile with their heels.
Fun waz made fur the million, ethicks fur the few, and the man who kan invent a generous and healthy sauce tew enliven a dish ov biled greens with, iz a Christian. Fun may never have furnished a splendid dinner, but it has helped swaller menny a poor one.
"Six days shalt thou laber, and on the seventh rest," – thare iz no laber in fun, and a Sunday newspaper does aul its work on Saturday.
I had rather tend one wedding than a dozen funerals; and a birth, even if it aint ennything more than the hatching ov a duck's eg, iz alwus another suckcess.
Life iz short, and that iz one grate reason whi it ought alwus tew be cheerful, and i fully beleaf, that when Gabrel blows hiz horn, the first ones that will rise, will ware a smile on their faces.
Judas betrayed with a laff, and a kiss, but the fun ov the thing waz, he went oph and hung hisself.
He that kant laff iz tew be pityed, and him that wont laff iz tew be feared.
I am clean thru. This iz my maiden speech, and i will bet 10 dollars that i won't never run the risk ov doing it agin. Adew.
XVII.
BILLINGS ON PILLS
P'okeepsie, Jan. 1st, 1867.
Dear Dokter Bonesett:
Thru the politeness ov Mr. John Smith, i cum in possession ov yure valuabel letter, at about 9 o'clock night before last, in which yu offer me 10 dollars for a poultiss.
I hay had a fair chance to use yure pills upon several important occasions, and can sware posatively that they kan beat enny pills ov their size i ever contended with.
Underneath this letter yu will find a poultiss which i think will draw.
If yu see fit to use it, yu kan emit the 10 dollars by mail, at our risk.
In the mean time, bet freely than i am yure humble servant,
Josh Billings.
POULTISS
Barnabass Bonesett, M.D., (mutch dokter,) chuck full ov faith, bloze his horn, and bi these presents duz blo hiz horn about hiz "Lightning Express and Serio-Sensation pills" a cumfert and a joy to man.
Theze pills are of rutes – rutey, and kost the Author 4 years in the wilderness, besides sleepless nights, and anxious days, tew git them down to a spot, without blemish and filled with fun.
These pills will kure deffness, dipthery and dandruff – are good for baldness, bronkreeters and baksliding – are sertin tew heal hedake, hifalutin, and hangnails – will remove warts, windgauls and wens – destroy awl longings, lassitudes, laziness – will soothe the sorrowful, cam the crazy, and kure a common sized fit in 2 minnits.
They are closs packed in little round boxes, and each little box kontains 2 dozen and 2, or no sail.
Each box iz dun up in a trakt, which sez that they are az sure to cure, az lightning iz tew strike what it starts for.
On the top ov the box iz a full sized painting ov the Author, with a grub hoe in one hand, and a whole parsell ov roots in the other – with a napsack on hiz back, and mountains in the distance, tew which he iz pinting with the grub hoe – them iz the mountains whare he gits the rutes.
On the top ov each little round box, iz these words, in a forrin tung, "Hocus pocus, quod constallus," which being biled down means, "purely vegetabels."
For sum more partikulars, cummune with the author.
(Signed) Barnabass Bonesett, M.D.
XVIII.
JOSH IN SARATOGA
Saratoga, Sept. 8, 1867.
Dear Weekly: – Don't think I am going to ruin, don't think i am totaly spilte, bekauze yu happen to hear from me at this grate drinking place. I am here on urgent and melankolly bizzness, looking for mi Newfoundland pup, not quite 5 months old yet, that I lost lately.
Saratogy never appeared tew me so free from white swellings az it duz now. I haint seen a dozen people ov the ballon purswashion, but almost evry one i meets ackts just az tho they had sum good common sense, and had brought enuff along with them to last while they staid.
Shoddy & Petroleus hav gone tew Europe, to astonish Paris with their paste diamonds and fire gilt familys.
Thare is about 4 thousand strangers here just now, and the liberal way that they invest in the katharticks ov the situation iz suggestive.
Yesterday i saw a bride and her new feller at Congress Spring. She waz a rosy and a roomy bride. He waz bilt to run in shallow water, rather a light draft chap, i thought; but he took 9 consekutiff glasses without flinching, and, i think, would have held one more.
He looked a hundred pounds bigger. I waz filled with horror at the sight, but soon had aul mi fears soothed, when i saw almost everybody present wash themsels internally with five or six tumblers full ov this liquid salts and perilash.
Congress Hall iz being rebuilt with bricks on the old ground, and iz at least 15 rods front on Broadway, with 2 wings az menny rods deep, and will cost 400 thousand dollars, and will feed, sleep, and physick one thousand festive sons and daughters at onst.
Evry house here, except the churches, iz a boarding house; aul the femail seminiaries, and akademys of the arts and sciences, fill up their summer vakations with spring-water pupils.
The great tiger ov the place iz the hi rock spring; this now flows over its conical summit, something that it haz not done before for 300 years, and besides being a good artickle ov physick, is probably the greatest natral curiousness this side ov the temple of Solomon, his 500 wives and 300 good-looking collaterals inkluded.
Take the kathartics out ov Saratogy, and thare wouldn't be ennything left ov deep interest, but a pale yeller, sandy sile, that haint got moral strength enuff in it tew hold a fense-post up straight, unless the hole waz well manured first.
But, with some 10 or 15 ov theze mineral springs that will kure ennything, from a broken heart tew the spring halt – water the most sparkling – water that biles and bubbles, without money, and without even stamps, and has biled ever since Cain waz a babe – I say, with such a legacy, Saratogy iz today the surest place on the breast ov the earth to git a good loose drink.
My stay here will necessarily be small; i kant git no track ov mi Newfoundland pup, with one white foot and a star in his forehead; and bizzness before drinking being one ov mi best holts, i shall leave here before long for Montreal or Saint Lewis, in search ov the dogg.
The annual races passed oph with the usual amount ov burglarys, and pocket-book thieveries, but I was told yesterday, by one ov the first citizens, that yu kan leave a roll ov bank bills (since the races) lying on the sidewalk, and noboddy would pick it up for the fust two days.
I haven't tried this myself, nor don't intend to, for fear thare might be just one slippery cuss left in the place, and one man could raize up a rowl ov bills for me, just as eazy az 40 could.
I havn't got munny, nor grit enuff, to indulge in sich moral experiments.
The ground, whare the old United States Hotel stood, remains kivered with the debris ov that melankolly and hot fire, which reduced tew ashes and old bricks, the most popular and fashionable dry goods emporium in the universe ov America.
I have it from Jenkins, (who is here now gitting himself pliable,) that az soon az one or two objectionable partners can be smoked out ov the ring, then the balance ov them will build on the grounds a hotel that will make – Rome howl.
The Union and the Clarendon are the two champions now, and both ov them hav a full stummuk ov clean looking, and very decent ackting passengers.
Thare iz sum very elaborate rigs here; one that I saw yesterday waz quite "uneak." (I don't know whether this word iz just the thing tew use in this spot, but it sounds big, and strange, and that iz awl that I care for.)
The rig consisted ov a yello buggy, with a black bugger driving, clothed in drab broadcloth, with bras buttons, and cockade on a plug hat with a velvet belly band around it, and salmon colored gloves, and a 10 foot whip-stork, with a spotted dogg under the front axletree, and 3 hosses in injun file, two blacks, and the one on the lead the color ov cream.
Jenkins told me, that they were the only shoddy team here, and belonged tew a young fellow from Melankton 4 corners, in the state ov Conneckticut, whose father has raked in 2 millions, by making beeswax out ov a very little mutton tallow, and a good deal ov injun meal.
But it won't do to believe awl that Jenkins sez; he has lied so consekutive for the last 15 years, that hiz front teeth hav awl decayed out.
One ov the perennial feeters ov Sarotogy, iz a drove ov tame injuns, with their squaws, and young porpoises, who cum here each drinking season, from the outlines ov Kanada, laiden with braided baskets, bags ov beads, and harmless bows and arrows.
Theze people might hav bin good injuns onst, but each successive porpoise grows paler, and meaner, and if it want for their nastyness, there aint 3 boarding-school misses in the whole land, with poetry enuff in their bild tew call them "the noble red men ov the forest."
The fact ov it iz, thare iz more truth than poetry in injuns, and the truth iz, that keyenne whiskey, and other kinds ov civilization, has outflanked them.
It requires a grate deal ov good sense tew stand whiskey and civilization.
A wild injun iz a most magnificent cuss without doubt, but a tame injun, one with more milk than molasses in hiz face, iz almost az near good for nothing, az a counterfit bill, on the bank ov Newfoundland.
Injuns, tew be good and profitable, must live at least 2 thousand miles from ennyboddy else, and always stay at home, and never see a missionary.
P.S. – I hav just this minnit received a dispatch that thare iz one more nufoundland pupp in Freehold, New Jersey, this morning than thare waz yesterday at this time, with a fu white hairs on the end ov his tail.
