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“She can’t, stupid; people who are related can’t be boyfriend and girlfriend.”
“Nathan and I aren’t related,” she told the boys. “Yes, you are.” Daniel looked very sure of himself. “See, Nathan is related to Natalie and Natalie is related to you, so he is related to you.”
“But Mom’s related to us and we’re related to Daddy and they’re married!” Samuel countered.
Erin grinned, pushing thoughts of Nathan and his family away. Logic lessons. Her favorite activity with the two growing minds.
Already it was dark outside. Nathan stretched out on the sofa and stared up at the ceiling. He could hear the faint sounds of Erin and the boys upstairs as she got them ready for bed. The unfamiliar sounds of children’s voices and running water as the boys brushed their teeth reminded him of his own distant childhood. He frowned, dark brows coming together in a brooding line as old memories began eating at the barricades he had erected around himself for so long. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. There was no use in thinking back, no purpose in reliving things no one could change.
This was why he hadn’t been home in so long. Just being in his sister’s house brought back memories he had decided long ago were best left untouched. He’d believed they had lost the power to hurt him, but he’d been wrong. To look on the bright side, he thought wryly, at least the nightmares he’d been suffering hadn’t visited him last night. He might not like the fact that self-pitying thoughts about his childhood had erased the horrors he had witnessed on the job, but at least he had been able to sleep again.
With determination he forced his thoughts in another direction. By degrees, a smile began to warm his thoughts as they strayed to his reluctant housemate. She did think he was a complete bastard, he acknowledged with some regret, picturing the frost in her eyes when he had asked if the child in the picture was their niece. And she was probably right. He could have been more considerate of his sister’s needs, even if he did not share her desire for contact. Although he had had parents and a sister, he had never really been a part of the family. He had told himself that staying away was for the best, not only for him but also for his parents and his sister. His family had never fully known the dangers he faced and he had been happy to have that excuse not to allow them participation in his life. Even after their parents’ death, he had continued to convince himself that the lack of contact protected his sister from unnecessary worry. But perhaps he had inflicted hurt in its place.
Mentally he shrugged, pushing the regrets away. What’s done is done.
His eyes closed, he forced his thoughts again to more pleasant matters. His mouth curved into a grin as he pictured the delectable curve of bottom and thigh on the roof. The smile widened as his mind’s eye continued to replay the events of the previous night. The movement of her hair as she ripped the towel off her head and wordlessly ordered him to cover himself. The roundness of her breasts visible above her other towel.
He was deep into some very vivid illicit fantasies when a voice intruded.
“Nathan? Are you OK?”
Eyes flying open, he jumped guiltily to his feet. He shoved both hands through his hair and then carefully sat down again. Inwardly, he laughed at himself. Sure, he had been caught in a compromising situation before, but never alone.
She was standing in the doorway, looking at him with a frown of concern. “Are you ill? Do you have a fever? You look hot.”
A series of possible responses ran through Nathan’s mind, each one rejected by his stern super-ego.
Be nice, Nathan. She hasn’t seen the nice side of you yet. You can be nice, can’t you? You still remember how?
He cleared his throat. “I don’t think so, no. I just…uh…fell asleep…”
She nodded. “The boys are asleep too. At last.” She held up an oblong box. “I brought a peace offering.”
Nathan gritted his teeth as he ordered his body to ignore the way her breasts moved under her sweater as she lifted her arm.
“Peace offering?” he managed to ask.
“Scrabble. Want to play?”
Nathan laughed. “You bet, Librarian.” He winked. “Maybe you will make a nice change after all.”
She looked at him suspiciously for a moment, but then smiled, to his relief accepting his humor at face value.
She was a worthy opponent, matching his every move. It did not help that in order to keep his promise to himself, Nathan had to reject all the best words that by themselves formed in his mind and on his slate. At the moment he could think of three words that would send her into a fit, with good reason. Regretfully he threw his last letters on the board to win the game with the innocent word LACES.
Of course, he would have preferred seeing her reaction to some of the other words, but he was trying really hard to be a gentleman here. For now.
As if she’d read his mind, her eyes met his and their gazes locked for a few tension-filled moments.
Erin felt herself tremble as their eyes met. His face was intense, dark pupils wide, firm lips slightly apart. His whole body was tense as unspoken messages flew between them. She could read them easily, with her intellect and her mind as well as with her heart. Non-verbal communication, body language, this was her field, what she had specialized in during those long years studying anthropology. She knew his heart must be picking up speed, his hormone system sending messages to different organs, his senses open to receive her every signal. In short: all the same things that were happening in her own treacherous body.
She could not be misreading him. The attraction was mutual and strong. How could she be feeling this for a man she didn’t even like?
Throughout the day, he hadn’t made it easy for her to keep disliking him, she admitted to herself. With his humor and constant smile, his easy way with her brothers, he kept charming her off her pedestal. She had to work at it, constantly remind herself of the thoughtless and cold way he treated his family.
She shook her head and clenched her eyes shut for one second, breaking the mood. Ignoring what they both knew, she smiled politely at him as she put the letters away.
“You’re good. I’m not used to losing at Scrabble.” He held out his hand. “You’re a very worthy opponent, Erin.”
Erin took his hand and congratulated him. The warm pressure sent tingles up her arm until she pulled her hand away. But he had behaved. He hadn’t even made one dubious word during the game, and heaven knew that plenty of them had somehow arranged themselves on her own slate.
She hesitated. “I’d like to apologize for my outburst last night and this morning. I had no right to criticize you like that. It really is none of my business.”
Nathan folded the game and put it back into the box. “I was out of line too. I wasn’t exactly a gentleman last night.” He grinned at her. “I’m not used to finding half-naked librarians in my room at night. The devil in me took over.”
Why did the devil in him have to be so darn appealing?
“OK, pardons are granted all around,” she said breezily.
He held out his hand again. “Shall we shake on that?”
She hesitated a moment, then took his hand again, careful to slide her hand quickly out of his grasp again. Tingles once more. What was the man doing to her?
Nathan shifted his gaze from hers and out the window to the darkness beyond. “Actually, I’ve thought a lot about what you said,” he said quietly. “I didn’t realize Sally needed me. With the age difference we’ve never been close. She was only a child when I left home.”
“Neither of you have any other blood relatives,” Erin commented. “Apart from her daughter, you are her only living relative.”
He shrugged, his posture turning defensive and his voice distant. “I do fine on my own. Anyway, if I had known it meant so much to her, I would have tried to visit more often. I really didn’t know. The fact is, I hardly know my sister. We’re strangers to each other.”
Perhaps she had misjudged him. Perhaps not. She felt confused. He seemed contrite about having ignored his sister’s needs, but he sounded very cold stating that he did fine on his own. How could he have failed to realize that his sister might need him after their father’s sudden death?
“If you don’t care, then why did you come back now?”
He glanced at her. “Are you getting personal again?”
His voice was friendly enough, but Erin recognized the warning for what it was.
“Anyway, you may not have been close,” she said with hesitation, “but you are her older brother. Sisters tend to idolize older brothers.”
Nathan chuckled, warm light appearing in his eyes, that in itself convincing her that he loved his sister deeply. “She used to follow me around like a puppy. She even hid in my car once, but I made sure she never did that again.”
“You did?”
He frowned mockingly at her. “That’s a chilling tone of voice, Erin. I didn’t beat her. We had a serious discussion about privacy and safety, that’s it. I’m not a monster.”
“I never said you were. But…”
“Spit it out, Librarian.”
Erin squirmed. “You were right. It’s none of my business. But you’ve never even seen your little niece…” She let the question trail off.
“I look forward to seeing her,” Nathan replied after a short but loaded silence.
Erin didn’t push further. She stood up. “Well, I should be heading for bed. The boys will have me up at the crack of dawn. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.” He smiled up at her, and she clenched her jaw as the sudden transformation of his face from serious to cheerful did wicked things to her insides. “See you tomorrow.”
Tomorrow came all too soon. Predictably, the twins woke her up at seven. Yawning off the dreams she refused to acknowledge she remembered in detail, she got up, fed them as quietly as possible so they wouldn’t disturb Nathan and was off to the indoor swimming pool by eight. As she had suspected, the lure of underwater pictures was enough to cure the twins of their fear of getting water in their faces.
The day passed quickly and they were home at four, just in time for their mother to arrive and pick the boys up.
“Thanks for having them,” her mother said, shooing the twins out to her car.
The boys were out of earshot. “I would appreciate it next time if you’d ask me first, Mom. I could have had other plans.”
“I don’t think it’s too much to ask that you watch your brothers once in a while,” her mother snapped. “After all the sacrifices I made for you kids. You know how important it is for me to keep the shop open on Sundays.”
Inwardly, Erin sighed. “I don’t mind having the boys over, you know that. I would just appreciate it if you’d call first, so I can be prepared. Sally’s brother just came into town yesterday, so I’m not alone in the house.”
“Oh?” Her mother’s interest was piqued. “The photographer? I’ve never met him. Perhaps I should say hello.”
“He’s not here now, but he’ll be staying a while. There will be plenty of time to meet him.”
“Will he be staying for Christmas? Perhaps he would like to come along with you kids.”
Erin’s stomach turned. This was it. The annual Christmas tug of war had begun. They had tried to be fair, to stay with each parent every other Christmas, but neither their mother nor their father could accept that, forcing their children to divide their time equally between the two households, but never making either one of them happy.
“Perhaps Thomas and Sally prefer to stay in their own home this time, as they have a visitor.”
“We’ll see,” her mother replied. “But you will be there, won’t you?”
The twins leaned on the car horn, saving Erin from having to reply. Her mother turned around and made an angry gesture at the car. “We’ll talk about this later, Erin. Thanks again.”
Erin waved to her brothers, then entered the house again. The place seemed so quiet after two days with a couple of noisy little boys. Walking around, she straightened out the mess they had made, then threw herself on the living-room couch. Children were a lot of work, but they were worth every minute. She could hardly wait until she had one of her own.
Tomorrow.
Her stomach clenched in nervous anticipation. Her whole life would change tomorrow.
CHAPTER THREE
HER palms were sweating. Her heart was racing.
And all she was doing was standing outside the clinic.
Resisting the urge to jump back into Sabrina, her faithful red car, drive home and crawl under something, she forced herself to look objectively at the building. It looked cold. All glass and white bricks, but much smaller than she had imagined. She had thought this place would be huge.
Admittedly, storage space in such a facility would not take up much room.
She sighed, breathing out a mushroom of crystallized air, and looked helplessly around. The shops would open in about half an hour, but the streets were still empty. She felt out of place standing there on the corner.
The appointment was half an hour away. She considered driving around, or taking a walk, but decided to go ahead and enter the building. They had to have a waiting room. It would give her a chance to get used to the place.
Squaring her shoulders, she ordered her heart to behave, and pushed open the glass door.
The lobby was silent. White marbled floor, white marbled walls. Large potted plants were the only decoration. Her heels clicking on the hard surface, she walked resolutely to the desk.
“Erin Avery. I have an appointment at ten.”
The receptionist couldn’t be more than twenty, a black-haired beauty with a wide smile.
“Welcome.” She turned to her computer and tapped on the keys. “You’re here for an orienting session, right?” 43
Erin drew her brows together and shrugged. “I suppose so. I’ve never been here before.”
“OK. Well, would you perhaps wait in there?” She pointed to an open door behind her. “I’ll be with you at ten precisely.”
Erin walked briskly to the waiting room, hoping to hide her anxiety. The chamber was small, but very different from the stark lobby. It was painted in soft blues and pink and children’s drawings decorated the walls. She slid into a pastel chair and took a deep calming breath. Her heart was still racing, and showing no signs of slowing down.
To look on the bright side, the waiting room was unoccupied. In her present state, the sight of other clients, or, God forbid, donors, would send her flying out of the nearest exit.
Small tables dotted the floor between the uncomfortable plastic chairs. She picked at random something to read and stared at the text without seeing it. It was difficult to believe that she was actually here. The appointment had been made weeks ago. She had noted it in her diary as “SB”, and then avoided thinking about it.
Why the anxiety? Why the pounding heart and the sinking feeling? This was what she wanted: this was the way to make her dream come true, her dream of an undivided family. Her dream of happiness. A child that would never be torn between bitterly feuding parents the way she and her brother and sister had been torn apart all their lives.
“Miss Avery?” Her eyes suddenly focused on the colorful pamphlet showing pictures of smiling women and couples holding their babies. “Follow me, please.” It was the young receptionist again. Erin followed her down the long corridor and was finally ushered into an office. To her surprise, the girl followed her inside and shut the door before sitting down at the desk.
Erin noticed she was still holding the pamphlet from the waiting room and stuffed it into a pocket before shrugging off her coat and sitting down. “I thought I would be seeing the doctor?”
The young woman smiled. “This is just preliminary work now. My job is to tell you all the facts and explain how you pick a donor, if that is still what you want. After that, we make a new appointment for you with the doctor. She will be able to answer any remaining questions.”
“I see.”
“OK…” The girl cleared her throat and shuffled some papers around the desk, looking almost as nervous as Erin was. With amusement that almost managed to distract her from her nerves, Erin realized that this was probably a first for both of them.
“Is this the first time you’ve done this?” she asked impulsively.
The girl flushed. “Yes. Our regular interviewer is off sick today.”
“I see.”
“But I’ve watched it many times,” she hastened to reassure Erin. “I really know what I’m doing.”
“I’m sure you do.”
“Oh, and my name is Rachel Bond, by the way.” She pointed to the name tag on her blouse.
Rachel got to work, quickly explaining the procedure, but sounding as though she was reading the information aloud. Judging from her lack of eye contact, she probably was. Erin listened patiently. She had already done thorough research using the Internet and there was nothing new in the information presented to her.
