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Maria immediately felt guilty. ‘Shall I run over to Rafferty’s for a couple of bottles of Guinness?’ she said. ‘I’ll have time before the bus.’
‘No,’ Sam said. ‘I have a bottle of better stuff,’ and he drew a bottle of poteen from under the covers.
‘Where did you get that?’ Maria asked, surprised.
‘Barney brought it in earlier.’
Maria sighed, but said not a word more. Instead, she gave him a glass and went up to get ready.
‘You look a picture, Maria,’ Sam said, when she came back into the room.
‘You’re biased,’ she replied with a smile, ‘and your brain’s addled with poteen. Listen, now, Mammy is asleep and Dora will be in directly. I’ll knock the door as I pass.’
‘Yes, yes. I’ll be all right. Don’t fret. Get yourself away.’
‘I will, in a minute.’
Just then there was a knock at the door. ‘That’ll be him,’ Sam said. ‘Don’t keep him waiting.’
Maria was impressed by Barney’s appearance. He was wearing the suit he wore to Mass. His shirt was pristine white and not creased. His shoes were highly polished and she smelt the Brylcreem and knew he’d tried to curb his unruly curls, but not terribly successfully.
However well Barney looked, though, Maria was convinced she was making a mistake in agreeing to go out with him at all. Her stiffness and stance told Barney quite clearly that she would reject any move towards greater intimacy and so he didn’t even try to put an arm around her shoulder, or hold her hand as they made their way to the bus stop Then she’d sat beside him in the bus as if she was a lump of wood.
It was slightly better when they got to the cinema. Although Maria did hold her body away from him pointedly at first, she did relax more as she began to enjoy the film. It was by the American, Walt Disney, whom everyone seemed to be talking about. Maria thought that if her opinion had been asked before she had seen it she would have said she wouldn’t be interested in it at all. With all the animation and such, it sounded like something for weans surely. However, she found herself fascinated by it. She was glad it was as unlike the films she’d seen when she was with Greg as it was possible to be.
When they arrived home, it was to find her father fast asleep and Dora dozing in the chair. Maria’s conscience smote her. Dora and her daughter had been so supportive, she felt she’d never be able to repay the debt. Without them, not only would she not have got out tonight, but she’d not have been able to work and what would they have done then? No one can live on fresh air.
Gently, she shook Dora awake. ‘Do you want a cup of tea, or do you want to go straight home?’ she asked as Dora struggled to sit up straighter, her eyes still heavy with sleep.
‘Tell you the truth, Maria, I need my bed more than a drink,’ she said.
‘I’ll walk home with you,’ Barney said.
‘It’s just down the street. What d’you think would happen me?’
‘Well, I’m leaving anyway, aren’t I?’ Barney said, casting an eye in Maria’s direction. She knew she should offer him a drink of some such, say it was no bother, insist even, but she was too weary to play those sort of games and so she said, ‘If you don’t mind, Barney. I’m tired too.’
The flash of disappointment was gone in an instant. ‘Did you enjoy tonight?’
‘I did very much,’ Maria said sincerely. ‘Thank you for taking me.’
‘No problem,’ Barney said. ‘Maybe we can do it again, sometime?’
‘Maybe.’
‘Like next week?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ Maria said. ‘That doesn’t just depend on me.’
‘If it’s me you are thinking of, Maria,’ Dora said, ‘then don’t. I can doze by your fireside as easy as I can by my own and everyone has to get out now and again.’
In the end a pattern was established and over the next few weeks, until the summer was passed and the autumn’s nip in the air, Maria and Barney saw The Thief of Baghdad, The Philadelphia Story, Dumbo, and Mrs Miniver. They’d also been out to dinner once, to a theatre in Derry to see Fanny By Gaslight, and once just to the pub, where they’d talked all evening and found out a lot about each other. After each date, unusually for her, Maria would tell Joanne all about it.
Joanne was delighted that Maria, at last, was beginning to live a little. She had been very concerned about that business with the other boy that Maria had once seemed crazy about. She had said they had decided to cool it till after the war, and that was all well and good, but then she never mentioned his name again, as if he had disappeared off the face of the earth. When once Joanne, intrigued, had asked about him, Maria’s eyes filled with tears and so she never asked again. Maria also seemed to have lost any of the gaiety she once had and seemed instead to be engulfed in misery. Joanne felt you could almost reach out and touch the sadness wrapped around her like a cloak.
Joanne knew Maria had been hurt, and badly, and had sincerely hoped that the experience hadn’t put her off men for life. That would be a tragedy altogether. But she was fine now. Here she was, going with another strapping chap, by all accounts, and one she had known for years. He had been once employed by her father too, and her father fully approved of him.
‘Do you love him?’ Joanne asked.
Maria hesitated. She didn’t love Barney like she had Greg, when just to whisper his name would fill her with joy and cause her heart to stop beating for a second or two, when she’d long to feel his arms around her, his lips on hers and the rapturous feelings they induced in her, especially when Greg’s hands had explored her body.
She had not wanted or invited such intimacy with Barney. ‘I don’t know,’ she said at last. ‘But I don’t think so. We don’t…you know.’
‘Kiss? You don’t kiss?’
‘We don’t do anything.’
‘Nothing at all?’
‘No. I don’t really want to.’
‘And he puts up with it?’ exclaimed Joanne. ‘God, I didn’t think they made them like that any more. I’ve never met any. You’ve got yourself a gentleman, Maria. But be careful—even gentlemen have their limits of patience.’
Maria thought long and hard about what Joanne said. Even if she didn’t love Barney, she didn’t want the outings with him to stop. It was the only light relief she had. She now looked forward to their weekends and had begun to laugh again. She knew, though, that if she wanted to continue to go out with Barney she had to start being fairer towards him.
It was as they were leaving the cinema the following Saturday, after seeing Pinocchio, that Barney said, ‘There’s a dance next week at Springtown Camp.’
Maria couldn’t help smiling. Joanne would give her eyeteeth to be in my shoes just now, she thought, because as yet she hadn’t been to one of the dances there. But how could she, Maria, go to a dance? She hadn’t the clothes, and even if she had, she didn’t know how to dance properly. So she said, ‘I haven’t danced for years. Anyway, they’ll hardly be playing the music for a jig or the odd hornpipe.’
‘No, they won’t,’ Barney conceded.
‘Well, I don’t know how to do anything else, waltz, foxtrot and all,’ Maria said.
‘There isn’t much of that either,’ Barney said. ‘By all accounts it’s mainly jitterbugging.’
‘Jitterbugging! What the hell is jitterbugging?’
‘The new craze sweeping America, if you believe all you read in the papers,’ Barney said. ‘Do you want to go?’
‘Oh, I don’t know.’
‘Just for a look,’ Barney said. ‘Go on, Maria, say you’ll go. I haven’t seen jitterbugging either. I’d like to know what the fuss is all about.’
Maria couldn’t see Barney’s face in the blackout, but she heard the pleading in his voice and she felt sorry for him. He turned up every week, regular as clockwork, to take her to the cinema, to see something she chose, and she never gave anything back. A few times, he’d tried to hold her hand and she’d pulled away. Each time he’d left her at the door and she’d gone inside, while he’d walked home with Dora. He’d never complained to her, though she’d seen the disappointment in his eyes. Surely she could do this one little thing for him? ‘If you want then.’
‘If you don’t like it, we don’t have to stay.’
‘No, all right,’ Maria said. ‘I expect I will like it well enough when I get there.’ She reached for his hand as she spoke and heard Barney’s sharp intake of breath as their hands met. It was surprisingly how comforting it was to have her hand held by a strong man’s, Maria thought, and as they made their way to the bus stop, Barney’s heart was lighter than it had been for ages.
That night, Barney was asked in and Dora made her way home alone, waving away Barney’s offer of help. ‘Not in my dotage yet, and don’t you forget it,’ she said.
Barney’s grin at Dora’s words took Maria by surprise. Barney was a handsome man, she’d always thought, but she hadn’t seen him as desirable. For all they’d been out together, she hadn’t counted them as dates. She’d never had the slightest interest in Barney that way. After Greg she thought she’d never feel that way for anyone again. Now it was quite reassuring to find she wasn’t dead inside, but had just been deeply asleep.
Barney too felt the easing of tension in Maria and accepted the tea she gave him. But he was careful not to push it, not to outstay his welcome. When he drew her into his arms to kiss her good night, she went willingly, and when his kisses became more ardent, she didn’t pull away, but responded.
He felt as if he was walking on air that night as he made his way home.
CHAPTER SEVEN (#ulink_74010752-a429-5699-aae3-ab1564950985)
Maria was quite shocked by jitterbugging at first. It seemed too vibrant, the movements, such as they were, done in an almost abandoned manner. The place was, of course, dripping with Americans. Maria had come across many in Derry, but as she dressed in workday clothes, usually with her hair covered by a turban, she’d never had more than a cursory glance.
However, that night the dress she had on was one she’d made herself from some shiny green satin she’d had for ages. She’d often designed her own clothes and the dress was spectacular—fitted across the bust, with long flowing sleeves, the waist was dropped and the skirts fuller from there with little pleats tucking into the waistband.
Barney was almost speechless when he’d come to pick her up that evening. Her eyes looked greener and larger than ever. He saw many people turn to stare at Maria as they made their way into the hall. Nor was Maria allowed to sit at a table to watch all evening. She refused many offers to dance, saying she didn’t know how to do it, but eventually a couple approached.
‘Don’t say you don’t know how to do it, lady,’ said the man. ‘It’s easy. So, how will it be if I teach you, while my girl teaches your man?’
Maria felt she’d rather have crept away to the ladies’, but she saw by Barney’s face he’d like to do this and so she nodded her head and let the man lead her onto the dance floor. It was as easy as the soldier had prophesied, and the music great to dance to. Maria was only afraid when the man caught her around the waist and swung her around that she might show her knickers, for the skirt of her dress fanned out like a flower.
But, all in all, she enjoyed her first American dance. Barney was proud of her, proud to be seen with her, and though he had no objection to her dancing with others, he kept a weather eye on the situation. He’d almost lost Maria once to another by staying quiet; he had no intention of running that risk again so he made sure he danced with Maria more than any other.
Maria knew what Barney was afraid of—she could almost feel his unease—but he needn’t have worried. She had no designs on any American. But it was nice to be admired, to be openly told how beautiful, charming, truly lovely she was. It gave Maria a boost, as it would any girl. It didn’t matter if they said the same to everyone, it made her feel good about herself, which was something she hadn’t felt in a long, long time.
That evening there was no question of Barney going straight home. As he followed Maria in, Dora began collecting her things together.
‘Good night?’
‘Oh, Dora, it was wonderful,’ Maria said. ‘Did you have any trouble?’
‘No, your mother never stirred and your father has been asleep for about two hours,’ Dora said.
Maria knew it would have been a poteen-induced sleep, but she wasn’t going to worry about that any more.
She closed the door on Dora and said to Barney, ‘Thank you, I’ve had a lovely evening.’ She kissed him gently on the lips and when he put his arms around her, she held him tight and sighed. Barney released her, took her hand and led her to the settee, where he sat and pulled her down beside him.
There was no point, Barney thought, in beating about the bush. ‘Do you like me, Maria?’
‘Of course I like you.’
‘Could you more than like me? Love me even?’
‘I’ve never thought of you that way.’
‘Do you still think of him that did the dirty on you?’
Greg? All the time, Maria might have said, but she didn’t say that. Instead, she said. ‘I did. He hurt me very much, that time.’
‘Did you love him?’
Maria nodded. ‘And I know I feel something for you, but I’m not sure what yet. I think I need a little time before I can be sure of my feelings.’
‘And we’ll continue seeing each other?’
‘Of course,’ Maria said. ‘Anyway, we could hardly not with all you do for Daddy.’
‘I like your father, Maria,’ Barney said. ‘I get on well with him and always have.’
‘I know this,’ Maria said. She knew that Barney hadn’t taken to her mother—couldn’t take to her—but then he wouldn’t be the only person made nervous by mental illness.
‘We’ll leave it so for now then,’ Barney said, getting to his feet. ‘I’ll press you no further tonight, but will await your answer.’
Monday morning, Joanne wanted to know all about the dance, what Maria wore, what it was like and was jitterbugging as much fun as everyone said it was. When all the questions had been asked, she said, ‘I hoped you thanked your Barney properly for taking you out to somewhere so fabulous.’
‘Well,’ said Maria with a smile, ‘let’s say I didn’t leave him at the door.’
‘I should think not,’ Joanne said indignantly. ‘You can carry this chivalrous behaviour too far, you know.’
‘Actually he asked me if I could love him?’
‘Golly, that was quick. Could you?’
‘Oh, I don’t know. Sometimes I think yes and other times no. I don’t want to go back to the way it was, the daily grind with work and my parents and nothing to look forward to at all, but then…‘
‘Don’t tie yourself down because of something like that,’ Joanne said. ‘God, I wish I looked like you and had your figure. Lads must be queuing up to claim you.’
‘They’re not, Joanne,’ Maria said. ‘I have a bedridden father, fast turning into an alcoholic, and a mother who doesn’t know what day of the week it is. That is enough to put off any but the most stalwart. Barney knows the situation and accepts it. He is good with Daddy and they get on together. He isn’t so good with Mammy, but then that is the same as everyone else.’
Joanne said nothing, for she sensed that Maria hadn’t finished. After a while, she went on, ‘I suppose what I am really saying, Joanne, is if I don’t take Barney, I think in the end I will be left alone, and I have coped alone for long enough. There is something else as well. So many demands are made upon me, I seldom have time to think about myself. It would be wonderful to have someone who cared about me and my needs. I could do with that so much sometimes when I feel the burden is heavy.’
‘I’ve heard and understood every word that you’ve said,’ Joanne replied. ‘And all I would advise is, take your time over making the decision.’
‘Barney isn’t pressing me,’ Maria said. ‘But on the other hand, he’ll not wait for ever.’
Before she’d analysed how she felt about Barney, Bella came over one evening to talk about Sarah. She left it till she knew Sarah was in bed and then she confronted Maria and her father. ‘It’s not that I’m not sorry for her. God, it breaks my heart to see her this way, but…well, it’s the aggression, d’you see? She nearly scratched the eyes out of Maggie and bit me on the arm.’ At this, Bella rolled up her sleeve to show the ring of purple teeth marks sunk into the skin. ‘And it was for nothing at all, you know,’ she went on. ‘Have you not noticed it yourself?’
Maria had noticed Sarah often slapped out at her and pushed her away roughly, but she hadn’t started biting or scratching. There was no doubting the marks on Bella’s arm, though. ‘I’m sorry to the heart of me that you have had to cope with this,’ said Sam.
Bella looked from Sam to Maria and back again.
Maria said. ‘I’ve noticed Mammy being rougher than she used to be.’
‘Have you?’ Sam said.
‘Aye,’ Maria said. ‘I think it’s frustration. It’s always when I’m doing things with her.’
‘I’m sure you’re right,’ Sam said. He too had noticed the deterioration in his wife and so had Barney. He knew because they’d talked about it often, as Barney wheeled him about the town, or later in the pub, sinking a pint or two. Sam knew Barney had been nervous of Sarah from the first, but didn’t blame him for that. He’d known and loved Sarah for years, but that girl and woman had ceased to exist. Sometimes her odd behaviour left him edgy.
‘She’s getting no better, Sam, but worse,’ Barney had said just days before. ‘And it’s Maria bears the brunt of it.’
