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And suddenly all the uncertainty she’d battled with in the past about her decisions had returned. Maybe they’d never really gone away. And the disaster scenario of what that lump could mean had echoed her mother’s own anxieties so closely that it had reminded Rosa that she was her mother’s child.
It would have been selfish of her to stay. To put Aaron through what she’d gone through with her mother. To put him through anything that would cause him to suffer as he had when his mother had been ill.
‘Maybe that’s for the best,’ she told him, kicking off her shoes. ‘If we don’t feel anything, we don’t get hurt. And since we’re already in this situation—’ she waved between them ‘—committing ourselves to not getting hurt doesn’t sound so bad, does it?’
* * *
He stared at her. ‘Are you...are you serious?’
‘Yes,’ she said, and lifted the plate she’d set on the table, resting it on her lap as she leaned back into the couch. ‘Doesn’t it sound appealing to you? Us not hurting each other?’
‘Is that why you left? Because I hurt you?’
She toyed with the food on her plate. ‘No,’ she said, lifting her gaze to his. ‘You didn’t hurt me.’
‘Then why did you leave?’
‘Because I would be hurting you by staying.’
‘Why?’ But she shook her head. ‘Rosa, you can’t just tell me something like that and not give me anything else.’ Still, she didn’t answer him. He clenched his jaw. ‘You don’t think you’re hurting me now? With this?’
‘I know I am.’
‘And that doesn’t mean anything to you?’
‘It...can’t.’
He wanted to shout. To demand answers from her. But that would only keep her from talking to him.
And he needed her to talk to him. He needed to know why she was saying things his wife never would have said. The Rosa he’d married would never have given up on anything. She would never have settled for backing away from the possibility of pain when there was a possibility for joy.
Or perhaps this was karma, like he’d said. Maybe this was his karma. For not acting with reason when it came to Rosa. She’d only been twenty-three when they’d married. He’d been twenty-six. Older. Wiser.
At least old enough to know that she might not have been ready to marry him. She’d still been grieving for her mother when he’d proposed. Her decision might not have been entirely thought through.
But as he thought back to the moment he’d proposed he couldn’t remember any hesitation from Rosa...
* * *
He wanted everything to be perfect. Simple but perfect. That was his plan. And, since only he and Rosa were on the beach in front of the house on Mariner’s Island, there’d be no one but himself to blame if everything didn’t go perfectly.
He took a deep breath and Rosa looked up at him. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yeah.’
‘You’re sure?’ Her brow furrowed. ‘Because you’ve been quiet since we got here. I mean, quieter than usual.’
She gave him a small smile and his heart tumbled. Even her smile could make his heart trip over itself. No wonder he was proposing to her when he’d never thought he’d get married.
‘I’m thinking.’
‘About?’
‘This. Us.’
‘Really?’ She pressed in closer at his side when the wind nipped at their skin. It was cooler than he would have liked, but he supposed that was what he got by wanting to propose just as the sun was going down on an autumn day. ‘And what have you come up with?’
‘You’re amazing.’
His feet stopped, though they weren’t close to the place where he’d planned on proposing. This was good enough. Waves were crashing at their feet. Sand around them. The sun shining over them as though it approved of his actions.
Besides, none of that mattered anyway. Not any more. All that mattered was her. And that he couldn’t imagine another moment going by without knowing that she’d one day be his wife.
‘Well, yeah,’ she said with a smile that faded when she saw his expression. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘I have something for you.’
‘Okay.’ Confusion lined every feature of her beautiful face, but there was trust in her eyes. He hoped he would never betray that trust. ‘Aaron?’ she asked quietly after a moment. ‘Are you going to tell me what it is?’
Instead of replying, he stepped back from her and removed the rose petals he’d been keeping in his pocket. It had been a silly idea, he thought now as the confusion intensified on her face. But it was too late to stop now.
He cleared his throat. ‘I got these from the house.’
‘You stole...petals from the garden?’ Her lips curved. ‘Just petals? Not the actual flowers?’
He smiled. ‘I wanted to take a picture of you standing in a shower of petals.’
‘Aaron,’ she said after a moment. ‘You realise you’re being weird, right?’
His smile widened. But he only nodded. She let out a frustrated sigh. ‘Okay, fine. Should I just—’ She cupped her hands and mimicked throwing the petals into the air.
‘Yes. But throw them over your shoulder.’ He handed her the petals, careful to protect them from the wind. ‘So, turn your back to me while I get the camera ready.’
There was impatience in her eyes now, but she didn’t say anything. Only turned her back to him. She was indulging him, he thought. Because that was who she was. Always putting him first, even when she didn’t understand why.
He took the ring from his pocket and took another deep breath. And then he got down on one knee and said, ‘I’m ready.’
She threw the petals into the sky and turned, a smile on her face for the picture she’d thought he was about to take. At first the confusion returned. Her eyes searched for where she’d thought he’d be as the petals swirled around them. Then, as they were carried up and away by the wind, her gaze lowered, settling on him.
She sucked in her breath and then, on an exhale, said his name. The surprise had turned into something deeper, more meaningful, as she did. And suddenly all the fear, all the uncertainty disappeared.
It was going to be perfect.
That was the last thing he thought before telling her why he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.
* * *
No, he thought as he closed his eyes briefly. There had been no hesitation when Rosa had accepted his proposal.
But hadn’t his mother shown him that he would need to take responsibility for others at some time in his life? So why hadn’t he realised Rosa might have needed that from him too?
But now that he thought about it, he wondered if it was because he had been responsible when it came Rosa. He’d promised her mother that he would look after her. And, since he’d loved her so damn much, marriage had seemed like the perfect way to do it.
But maybe that had been his mistake.
Or maybe he was the mistake...
‘Okay,’ he said curtly, ripping himself out of the web his memories had caught him in. ‘Do you want another drink?’
She blinked at him, and then silently nodded and handed him her glass. He deliberately brushed his fingers against hers as he took it, and saw the slight shake of her hand as she drew it back to her lap.
He turned away from her, satisfaction pouring through him. Whatever it was that she was going through—whatever it was that they were going through—he hadn’t made up their attraction. And that attraction had come from their feelings for one another.
Perhaps he’d made one too many mistakes with Rosa. Heaven knew he had with his mother, so it might not have been different with his wife. But at least he could make sure Rosa didn’t forget that they were drawn to one another. Something neither of them had ever been able to deny.
And then what? an inner voice asked as he poured their drinks. Would they just become hyperaware of their attraction, since their feelings were seemingly out of bounds, and then let it fizzle out between them?
There was no way that was happening. And if they acted on it...what would that mean for him? For them? Would she just walk away from him again? Would he just let her go?
An uncomfortable feeling stirred in his stomach and he walked back to her, setting her glass down on the table to avoid any more touching. He had no idea what he wanted to achieve with her. With his marriage. And he’d never thought he would be in the position to have to worry about it.
He’d thought he’d done everything right in his life. He’d looked after a mother who hadn’t cared about looking after herself. About looking after him. He’d got a stable job. Succeeded in it. He’d fallen in love—though it had been unplanned—and he’d married.
And still everything had gone wrong.
Though, if he was being honest with himself, perhaps that had started when his mother had been diagnosed with cancer and he’d realised the extent of his mistakes.
Now, the fear that had grown in the past four months pulsed in his chest. Had him facing the fact that everyone in his life who was supposed to love him had left him. His mother. His father. And now Rosa...
He couldn’t deny that he was the problem any more.
CHAPTER FOUR (#ulink_0570607d-3ec6-5df5-a1be-9b92376b1d18)
‘SO, WHAT HAVE you been doing these last four months?’
Somehow, she managed to keep her tone innocent. As if she wasn’t asking because she desperately wanted a glimpse into the life he’d made without her.
It was veering into dangerous territory, that question, and yet it was the safest thing Rosa could think to ask. Something mundane. Something that didn’t have anything to do with what they’d been talking about before.
Feelings. Emotions. Their relationship.
But the expression on his face told her that perhaps the question wasn’t as safe as she’d thought. Still, he answered her.
‘Work.’
‘Work?’ When he didn’t offer more, she pressed. ‘What about work? New clients?’
‘New clients.’
She bit back a sigh. ‘And?’
‘We’re expanding.’
‘Oh.’
Expanding? He’d never spoken about the desire to expand before. His law firm was one of the most prestigious family practices in Gauteng. He had wealthy clientele, made sure his firm helped those in need, and he’d always spoken about how content he’d been. Proud, even. So why was he expanding?
She waited for him to offer an explanation. He didn’t. And she didn’t have the courage to ask him. Not when she would have known if she’d just stayed.
‘You?’
Her gaze sprang to his. She hadn’t expected him to engage. ‘I’ve been working on a new line. Evening gowns.’
‘Like the one you’re wearing.’
‘Exactly like the one I’m wearing. For women like me.’
His eyes swept over her, heating her body with the faint desire she saw on his face. He was controlling it well, she thought. He never had before. She’d always known when Aaron desired her. It would start with a look in his eyes—much more ardent than what she saw there now—and then he’d say something seductive and follow his words with actions.
She’d loved those times. Loved how unapologetic they had been. How freeing. And since they both had problems with being free—no matter how much she pretended that she didn’t—those moments were special.
And now she’d lost them.
‘It’ll be popular.’
‘I hope so.’ She paused. ‘I did a sample line. I’ve been promoting it on the website for the past month, and it’s got some great feedback. I might even do a showcase.’
‘I told you it would be great.’
‘You did.’
Neither of them mentioned that for years he’d been telling her that she needed to make clothes for herself. For others like her. But that wasn’t why she’d got into fashion. At least, not at first. She loved colours, patterns, prints. She loved how bold they could be, or how understated. She loved the contrast of them—the lines, the shapes.
She hadn’t wanted to confine herself when she’d started out. She’d wanted to experiment, to explore, to learn about everything. And, because she had, she now had momentum after being labelled a fresh and exciting young designer. Enough that she could finally design the clothes she wanted to. For women who looked like her. Who were bigger. Who weren’t conventionally curvy.
She’d shared all her worries, her fears, her excitement with Aaron. And she wanted nothing more than to tell him about the challenges, the joys she’d had creating this new line now.
But the brokenness between them didn’t lend itself to that discussion.
Her heart sank and her eyes slid closed.
How had her safe question led to this?
* * *
Watching her was going to be the only way he’d figure out what was going on in her head. It was clear she wasn’t going to tell him. And, since he hadn’t exactly been forthcoming himself, he could hardly ask her what was causing the turmoil on her face.
But he couldn’t be forthcoming. How was he supposed to tell her that his expansion plans had started the moment his mother had informed him of where Rosa was? He hadn’t been interested in finding her...at least, that was what he’d told himself. But then he’d received Liana’s email telling him Rosa was in Cape Town.
