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Undivided: Coming Out, Becoming Whole, and Living Free From Shame
Vicky Beeching
Vicky Beeching, called "arguably the most influential Christian of her generation" in The Guardian, began writing songs for the church in her teens. By the time she reached her early thirties, Vicky was a household name in churches on both sides of the pond.Recording multiple albums and singing in America's largest megachurches, her music was used weekly around the globe and translated into numerous languages.But this poster girl for evangelical Christianity lived with a debilitating inner battle: she was gay. The tens of thousands of traditional Christians she sang in front of were unanimous in their view – they staunchly opposed same-sex relationships and saw homosexuality as a grievous sin. Vicky knew if she ever spoke up about her identity it would cost her everything.Faced with a major health crisis, at the age of thirty-five she decided to tell the world that she was gay. As a result, all hell broke loose. She lost her music career and livelihood, faced threats and vitriol from traditionalists, developed further health issues from the immense stress, and had to rebuild her life almost from scratch.But despite losing so much she gained far more: she was finally able to live from a place of wholeness, vulnerability, and authenticity. She finally found peace. What's more, Vicky became a champion for others, fighting for LGBT equality in the church and in the corporate sector. Her courageous work is creating change in the US and the UK, as she urges people to celebrate diversity, live authentically, and become "undivided".
Copyright (#u6c1eb7a7-90c0-56bf-95f9-63e511d67e3b)
William Collins
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
WilliamCollinsBooks.com (http://WilliamCollinsBooks.com)
First published in Great Britain in 2018 by William Collins
First published in the United States by HarperOne in 2018
Copyright © Victoria Beeching
Victoria Beeching asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
Designed by Yvonne Chan
Front cover Design by Matthias Roberts
Photos by Nicholas Dawkes
“Above All Else” here by Vicky Beeching, copyright © 2001 Vineyard Songs (UK/Eire) (PRS) admin. in North America by Music Services.
“Undivided Heart” here and here by Vicky Beeching, copyright © 2010 Thankyou Music (PRS) (adm. worldwide at CapitalCMGPublishing.com (http://CapitalCMGPublishing.com) excluding Europe which is adm. by Integrity Music, part of the David C. Cook family. Songs@integritymusic.com) / Integrity Worship Music (ASCAP) (adm. at CapitolCMGPublishing.com (http://CapitolCMGPublishing.com)). All rights reserved. Used by permission.
Scripture quotations, unless otherwise noted, are taken from New Revised Standard Version Bible. Copyright © 1989 National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.
Source ISBN: 9780008182144
Ebook Edition © June 2018 ISBN: 9780008182151
Version: 2018-07-18
Dedication (#u6c1eb7a7-90c0-56bf-95f9-63e511d67e3b)
This book is dedicated to the memory of Lizzie Lowe, a fourteen-year-old British girl who tragically took her own life in 2014 because she feared telling her Christian community that she was gay.
Research statistics show that lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBTQ+) young people are far more likely to self-harm, suffer from mental-health issues, and contemplate suicide than their heterosexual peers.
For Lizzie and the countless other LGBTQ+ young people who have ended their lives out of fear and shame: We will remember you. Your stories matter. We carry you in our hearts.
Contents
Cover (#ue035e415-99cc-52e4-8897-d3f8499c4281)
Title Page (#u039f61c0-f513-5488-a551-27b275e30f8f)
Copyright
Dedication
Preface
Chapter One (#u26d2fbea-d859-5913-a58d-9984c94adb7e)
PART I: BEGINNINGS
Chapter Two (#uc978a184-8579-5d98-92bb-386438e9bffa)
Chapter Three (#u8508ea1d-1a64-5ee8-9c6a-3e3f8191d224)
Chapter Four (#u3a8b25c3-84a2-572f-a857-cd447a0cc636)
Chapter Five (#u22f69d50-965f-50b7-b244-24f56feb49af)
Chapter Six (#u7c7bde1b-acdf-5aaa-93d5-025dce50f12e)
PART II: OXFORD
Chapter Seven (#ufbc05f98-294d-5f24-9913-6a62e05fa961)
Chapter Eight (#u99a7bfa1-3315-5b6c-a4b8-e73480d39d4d)
Chapter Nine (#u8a4ac368-e6ff-583b-a0ff-44ec762c3b85)
Chapter Ten (#ue94b7986-f929-53ff-ae05-a4d5a39607cb)
Chapter Eleven (#uad351438-469a-54ca-b855-fff7db3a2bb4)
Chapter Twelve (#ue9cc3930-f3f7-5b01-b281-40a2aa5939f9)
Chapter Thirteen (#u65635225-5e99-56e8-bdb5-c3d0f797bb06)
Chapter Fourteen (#u818b2134-eaee-5786-afab-5a3562a5a442)
PART III: AMERICA
Chapter Fifteen (#u9b4b910c-03e5-5bec-b50c-a21e17e56598)
Chapter Sixteen (#uaa731f71-f27b-5b46-aafb-15f0e619a573)
Chapter Seventeen (#u22aa4875-3cf6-543d-bcc3-a9fb08303db3)
Chapter Eighteen (#udd869195-82eb-5b49-b87d-06b8ffb7638f)
Chapter Nineteen (#uf7c99fbd-841c-5792-92f5-bf5c5409a2c9)
PART IV: RETURNING HOME
Chapter Twenty (#u605f63b7-989f-5848-b610-efaaa0c7d3a6)
Chapter Twenty-One (#ucb8488d7-e925-5479-a554-568b5405498c)
Chapter Twenty-Two (#u4f0a9a50-618b-5249-9f7e-cab61dd367b9)
Chapter Twenty-Three (#ud57540af-499c-5802-8ec6-d61fda0ee43e)
Chapter Twenty-Four (#u51507248-d84d-58eb-82aa-b6cb9c3d1892)
Chapter Twenty-Five (#u389914a3-c06d-5747-80ac-6fb4f387b5dd)
PART V: INTO THE UNKNOWN
Chapter Twenty-Six (#u53747e4f-f333-5e83-ab7b-5211dc80fdac)
Chapter Twenty-Seven (#ud10139ef-a493-52bf-b07f-727025376e50)
Chapter Twenty-Eight (#u7096a559-5bfc-589e-a5b4-b022df15131c)
Chapter Twenty-Nine (#ub296ff71-a1eb-5bfa-8d23-e3fcc0ffe0d2)
Chapter Thirty (#ucdc4f4e3-9886-5f2c-9d93-6510656876f3)
Chapter Thirty-One (#u58cbb4b2-75c4-50ad-81e7-ee2b5522c6ae)
Chapter Thirty-Two (#u2d1d17c9-14c9-5963-b7ea-fa895d08b119)
Chapter Thirty-Three (#u1e96ffa9-c713-57b6-86e7-946f97ed7df6)
Appendix: A Benediction for Inclusive Worship (#ubed2458d-ec71-5341-9ce0-b6951318f472)
Footnote
Notes
Author’s Note: Resources and Disclaimers (#uf6535498-8d76-58dc-9ab1-bdc7c108f7e4)
Acknowledgments
About This Book (#ufdda48be-f6df-50d5-88eb-729db1f2a65b)
About the Author
About the Publisher (#ucf95905d-7ffb-57b3-87c3-472bf12bdc75)
PREFACE (#u6c1eb7a7-90c0-56bf-95f9-63e511d67e3b)
This is a book about me, and also not a book about me.
It’s a memoir about the battle I’ve fought to make peace with who I am and to unlearn a lifetime of shame and fear. In my case, this centered on the vast tension between being gay and being Christian.
When I asked on social media, “What would you like me to include in my memoir?,” hundreds of you responded. A common theme was: “I identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community too. I wish there were more books I could relate to about growing up dealing with identity struggles. Reading those would make me feel less alone.” Others of you said, “I’m straight, but I want to understand what it’s like to be gay, so I can be a better ally. Your story could provide one example of that.”
Some messages I received said, “I believe the Bible teaches that same-sex relationships are sinful. Can you explain how you understand the Bible on this topic?” Others said, “I’m nonreligious and work in the corporate world, where I’m championing diversity. Your memoir could shine a light on the harm it does when you can’t be your authentic self at work. It could encourage businesses to take better care of their staff’s well-being.”
I decided that all of these suggestions were important, so I chose to use them as my guide. Also, I decided that unless I was going to get vulnerable enough in the writing process to wonder whether I should really be putting certain things in print, the book was unlikely to help anyone. So prepare for me to share (and perhaps overshare) about the highs and lows of my teens, twenties, and thirties; about how I finally found the courage to come out, leaping into the unknown; and about what life has been like since.
Some of you, I hope, will feel a resonance—a sense of “me too.” Others of you reading this who believe that LGBTQ+ equality goes against the teachings of Bible, thank you for giving this book a chance. I hope you’ll keep the door of your heart open as you travel through its pages.
Right now, the issue of same-sex marriage threatens to split the global church. In news headlines, in political campaigns, and on social media, people with polar views are debating this heated topic. It’s reaching boiling point. Juggernauts like the Anglican Church, with its 85 million members worldwide, teeter on the edge of a split. This book is only a drop in the ocean of that vast situation, but it’s my attempt to show that LGBTQ+ people of faith, and same-sex marriage, should be fully affirmed.
So, yes, this is a book about me and my story.
But it’s also a book that’s not about me. At least, not only about me.
It’s about something far bigger and wider—about themes that are woven into all of our human DNA: our need to find a place to belong, our fear of becoming vulnerable, our longing to be authentic, the shame we feel about aspects of who we are, and the way others’ criticisms can paralyze our ability to live and love.
So, this might be a story about you too. About the ways you feel awkward about, embarrassed by, or ashamed of parts of your identity, or the way fear holds you back and stops you from attempting to dream big. Diversity can be tricky: the very things that make us stunningly unique can also be the things we hide in the closet because they cause us to feel different from the crowd.
The shapes these differences take are as diverse as we are. Perhaps it’s that you can’t talk about your struggles with mental health; you’re dealing with anxiety or depression and don’t want colleagues at work to know. That part of your identity is firmly locked in the closet, even though deep down you wish you could be open about it.
Or maybe you’ve always known you are trans, but haven’t dared tell anyone, fearful that no one in your life will understand. Or maybe your battle is similar to the one I faced; you’re gay and terrified to come out.
Or perhaps it’s about neurodiversity. You’re on the autistic spectrum and don’t want to mention it for fear that people will treat or think of you differently. Maybe it’s about gender roles; you might be a teenage boy who dreams of becoming a ballet dancer (like the fabulous Billy Elliot), but you’re afraid your friends (and enemies) would endlessly tease you and make life unbearable if you chased that dream.
Of course, it’s totally fine to keep these things private if it feels safer; only you know what’s right for you. Not everyone needs to “come out,” and you can be perfectly happy, healthy, and whole without taking that step. What is crucial, though, is this: we need to love and accept who we are. It’s about making peace with ourselves.
It’s about finally feeling comfortable in our own skin, not allowing others to make us ashamed or embarrassed of things that are part of our beauty, our diversity and uniqueness. When we take those pieces, shattered by shame, and dare to be ourselves, we find healing. We’re not forced to choose between aspects of our identity. We become whole and “undivided.”
Isn’t this just a bunch of selfish navel-gazing?” critics may ask.
No, it’s quite the opposite. We can only love others well when we live from a place of wholeness.
The Christian faith teaches: “Love your neighbor as you love yourself”—the implication being that we must learn to love ourselves first, in order to love others from a place of health and well-being. Otherwise, it’s like pouring a glass of water from a broken jug; our fragmentation affects everyone.
Entrepreneur and inventor Steve Jobs, in his 2005 address at Stanford University, said, “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life … Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice … Have courage.”
