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Which was why he’d had to let her go two years ago. His body had never listened to his head where she was concerned. If he’d stayed, he would have ended up making them both miserable. He’d seen it in her face. Heard it in her voice.
He waited for her to leave the room, then threw a nod to Phil and followed her out. He fell into step beside her. “You don’t have to do this, you know. If you said no, Phil would have to understand.”
“And what would we tell him exactly?”
“We’d think of something.”
She sighed. “I think it’s already been decided. Besides, I want to do it.”
“Why?” He was genuinely curious. The last thing they should do was spend any more time than necessary together. Hadn’t he already proven that a minute ago? Or maybe she wasn’t still as affected by him as he was by her.
“I don’t know exactly. It’s an exciting chance to see how things are done at the main campus of Wilson-Ross.”
“Trust me. It’s the same as Wilson-Ross in Atlanta.”
“Maybe, but we follow protocols set by New York. You see the first new wave of treatments.”
He nodded. “You could get that by meeting with the folks in Maternal-Fetal. I could set up a face to face with them, if you want.”
“I would love that. But I’d still like to help with the medical students.” She turned her face to look at him. “Unless it would make you too uncomfortable.”
That was exactly what he had been thinking just moments earlier. But it wasn’t something he wanted to admit. Not even to himself.
“And you wouldn’t be?”
The colorful lines on the white linoleum floor helped guide patients and staff alike to different sections of the hospital. He followed the blue stripe, although he knew the route by heart. His office was on the other side of the hospital.
“We’ve lived through things that were a lot worse than a few hours of awkwardness.”
“Yes. We have.” He hesitated. It was none of his business, but he had to ask. “Did you ever have more kids?”
Her face paled for a few telling seconds before turning a bright pink. She opened her mouth. Closed it. Then opened it again. “No. I haven’t.”
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that.”
She stopped in her tracks, her chin popping up. “No. You shouldn’t have.” Then her face softened. “Thank you for sending the flowers, though.”
He didn’t have to ask what she was talking about. The monthly daisies for Grace’s grave. “The florist sends them. I just put in the order.”
“I thought they were from you, but there is never any card attached.”
“Grace can’t read a card.” His jaw tightened again. “Or anything else.”
The florist had told him that daisies symbolized innocence and purity. Exactly what he thought of when he remembered his daughter. It had made the suffering she’d gone through all the more terrible somehow.
“Then why send them?” The question didn’t have the challenging tone he would have expected. Instead, she seemed to be searching for something.
He had no idea what, and even if he did, Tucker didn’t have an answer for her. He had no idea why he sent them. It was true. Grace would never see or touch or bury her face in those white petals. A tightness gripped his throat that wouldn’t let go.
That first trip to the florist’s shop had been hard. He’d sat in the parking lot for almost an hour before he’d been able to make himself go inside. The woman at the desk had taken his order, the compassion on her face almost his undoing. But once it was done, it had become almost a ritual—a sacred remembrance of what she’d meant to him.
He shrugged. “I know she would have liked them. It’s the only explanation I have.”
As she turned to start walking, something made him snag her wrist and pull her to a stop. When she turned to face him again, he took a moment to study her before letting go of her hand. She’d lost weight in the last two years. She wasn’t emaciated, by any means, but there were hollows to her cheeks that hadn’t been there when they’d been together. Maybe it was because her hair was longer than it had been, those vibrant red waves throwing shadows across her face. But whatever it was, her green eyes were the same, glowing...alive. Only now they were a little more secretive than they used to be. He didn’t like not being able to read her the way he once could.
“Are you...?”
Her brows puckered. “Am I what?”
“Are you okay with me sending them? The flowers, I mean.” He’d set out to ask her if she was really and truly okay. But since he wasn’t sure he really wanted to know, he’d changed it at the last second.
“Yes.” Kady reached out and touched his hand. “I think it’s sweet. And Nanna and Granda’ like seeing them when they go to visit her grave.”
“How are they?” Kady’s Irish grandparents had taken some getting used to. As had her extended family, which was huge. And loud. And fun. He and his parents had been close, but their family gatherings had been small, reserved affairs. And as an only child, Tucker had learned to imitate that...to remain quiet and stoic no matter what was happening around him.
Not the McPhersons. They all wore their hearts on their sleeves, holding nothing in.
Only Kady did. At least, the Kady standing in front of him did.
She dropped her hand to her side. The urge to reach down and enfold it in his came and went. “They miss Grace, obviously, just like I do. But they’re doing okay. Nanna has been a bit forgetful recently, which has Granda’ worried.”
“Anything serious?”
“I don’t think so. I don’t see the signs of Alzheimer’s there. But time will tell. If it gets worse, I’ll talk her into getting some tests.”
“A very smart idea.”
Tell them I said hi. Send them my love. Tell them I’ll see them soon.
None of those responses were appropriate anymore. And it set up an ache inside him that wouldn’t quit.
“They’re thinking of selling the house and getting something smaller.”
The McPhersons’ home was huge by any standards. They’d held large family gatherings there. Thanksgiving. Christmas. Any holiday had been an occasion to be celebrated. He couldn’t picture them living anywhere else. The family’s wealth had been another thing that had come between him and Kady at the end. She had insisted her grandparents were willing to hire a fertility expert to make sure the odds of having another baby with Tay-Sachs were as low as possible. He’d been dead set against it. Not because of the money it would take. Her grandparents could afford all of that and more. His argument had been more along the lines of not being able to guarantee with a hundred percent certainty that they would not have another child like Grace.
“That would take some getting used to for them, wouldn’t it?”
“I think they’re ready for a change.”
Just like Tucker had been. Looking back, though, he wondered if it wasn’t so much that he had been ready for change as it was that he’d been running from his grief. The hopeful look on Kady’s face whenever she’d spoken of another baby had been enough to send an icepick through his heart. Eventually the organ had become a sieve, any emotional involvement leaking away until there had been nothing left.
“I hope it all works out for them.”
“Thank you.”
And on that note it was time for him to get back to his own retooled life. “Well, I have a surgery today at two. I’m assuming the medical students will be coming tomorrow, since Phil didn’t mention them being at the hospital today.” He paused. “Do you need anything while you’re here?”
He wasn’t sure what he would do if she came up with something personal.
“No. I think I’m good. I guess I’ll see you later this afternoon, if you’re in any of the sessions.”
“I’m scheduled for the anesthesia and pregnancy track.”
She nodded. “I’m not in that one. I have ‘Monitoring the High-Risk Pregnancy from Beginning to Delivery.’ So I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Any idea at all on when we’re supposed to meet the students?”
He hadn’t thought to ask, although Phil had probably told him at some point. “I’m not sure. I’ll get hold of him and give you a call at the hotel, if that’s okay.”
“Yes. I’m in room 708. You can leave a message if I’m not there.”
No offer of her cellphone number. But then again, he’d told her he’d call her at the hotel, so maybe she thought he didn’t want it.
He didn’t.
Did he?
Hell, no. It would just give his fingers an excuse to push and erase those numbers again and again. Or, worse, call her with some trumped-up excuse just so he could hear her voice.
That was all he needed—one more thing to brood over. Not that he’d tried to call her since the divorce. Her cellphone number could be the same, for all he knew.
She said goodbye, and this time when she turned to leave he didn’t try to stop her.
Even though there was a small part of him that wanted to do just that.
And he had no idea why.
* * *
Kady had the morning to herself. It was still early and the pool was deserted. Dropping her towel onto a nearby lounger, she went over to the water’s edge and dipped in a toe. A shiver rippled over her at the difference in temperature. All the windows were fogged up, but the heat and humidity of the room were a welcome change from the icy interior of the hotel. She kind of liked the misty atmosphere. It gave her a sense of privacy. As if this was her personal luxury spa.
She hadn’t seen Tucker at the convention the previous night, but then again they’d been in separate sessions. As soon as her part had ended, she’d gone straight to her room. She’d had a headache, and a dull listlessness had stolen over her, something she hadn’t felt in a while. The result of seeing Tucker again?
Probably.
It was a shock, that’s all. Anyone in their right mind would feel a big old jolt of disbelief at seeing their ex after all this time.
All this time? It wasn’t like it had been ten years since she’d seen him. From her horrified reaction, it might as well have been, though.
And he hadn’t called to say what time they were supposed to meet the medical students, so she assumed that wasn’t happening until later. Or maybe he’d told Mr. Harold that he preferred she didn’t come. That made her frown. She would have expected him to let her know, either way. Unless he’d tried and couldn’t reach her.
She probably should have given him her cellphone number, but it hadn’t even crossed her mind until she’d been almost out of the hospital. To run back and breathlessly give it to him smacked of teenaged infatuation. And Kady had long since passed those days of young love.
Young love. Ha!
“Cynical, Kady. Cynical.”
Okay, it might be cynical, but better that than be hurt by another man. Tucker had talked about never having any more children? Well, she was pretty sure she wasn’t getting married again. She hadn’t even wanted to date since they’d broken up.
She could just take the plunge and put up a profile on one of those date matcher-upper things. Instead, she took a different kind of plunge and jumped into the pool. The chill shocked her system, almost causing her lungs to contract and blow out all her air reserves. She controlled the urge and then kicked her way to the very bottom. She tooled around, following the downward curve until she reached the deep end. Nice. This was the only kind of plunge she wanted to take. Her eyes burned slightly from the chlorine, but she was used to that. She drifted to where the light was, putting her palm over it before she went even deeper, glancing up at the surface above. She couldn’t remember if the pool had an eight- or twelve-foot depth.
What did it matter? She could just stay down here forever.
Except she couldn’t.
As they always did, her lungs sent the first twinges of protest to her brain. Just another few seconds.
She closed her eyes and let herself “be.” Something she could only seem to do in the water. But her lungs’ distress calls had now been taken up by other parts of her body. Time to go. She pushed off the concrete floor and shot toward the light above, breaking the surface and sucking down one huge gulp of air after another, before reaching toward the edge. Instead of a cold tiled surface, she encountered something firm but warm. Curling around her hand.
Blinking the water out of her eyes in a hurry, she glanced up.
“Tucker?” The name rasped across her vocal cords right before shock took control of them and rendered her silent. She wasn’t even sure why she’d asked, other than letting her brain in on what her heart already knew: it was him. It had to be, even if the light behind him cast his face in shadow. That, along with his dark jeans and black shirt, gave him a slightly sinister look. He could be a dark god. Or a fallen angel. She couldn’t quite decide which fit him better.
Neither.
Breathe, Kady, breathe.
She did just that, trying to figure out if she was just imagining it or if Tucker was really crouched by the side of the pool, gripping her hand. His skin was warm. She could just curl into his palm and...
And nothing.
“I was just about to go in after you.”
“You were?”
“You looked pretty lifeless down there. One minute you were swimming like a fish and the next you went into some kind of suspended animation.” His thumb made a slight movement across the back of her hand. Small enough to make her wonder if she’d imagined it. Imaginary or not, it sent raw sensation skittering down her nerve endings, making them scramble to interpret it.
There was nothing to interpret.
She struggled to get her tongue to wrap around the words. “You’ve seen me like that before.” He had. Many times.
He paused, fingers tightening slightly on hers. “Yes. I have.”
Were they talking about the same thing? “Okay, so you know that I’m fine.”
“I do now. You’re a land creature, Kady. You belong up here.”
Next to him? When he looked like that? When just the touch of his hand on hers was making her picture all kinds of crazy scenarios? Like pulling him into the pool and seeing what it started?
There was no way in hell she was going to do that. “What are you doing here, anyway?”
“I lost the slip of paper with your room number on it.” The pad of his thumb shifted again. This time there was no way it was her imagination. Why was he still holding onto her anyway? And why the heck wasn’t she pulling away?
“How did you expect to find me when you came over, then?”
“I hadn’t thought that far ahead.” He smiled. “Want me to help you out?”
She took stock of the situation. Her towel was way over there. And she was dressed in a pretty skimpy bikini. He’d seen her stretch marks and the changes in her abdomen from carrying Grace before. But they’d been married back then. When things between them had been easy and comfortable.
She was no longer comfortable in his presence. She was self-conscious and nervous. And she didn’t like it.
