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Jacob hesitated, then took a deep breath. ‘Cancer. Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. It was brutal—it sucked the life right out of her.’
She licked her lips. ‘Did you go to your mother’s funeral?’
He nodded. ‘It was full of people I didn’t really know. No one really spoke to me. And because of the time of year it was bitter cold and lashing with rain. We were only at the graveside for around five minutes.’
A little spark of realisation shot across her face. ‘When did your mother die, Jacob?’
This was it. This was the important part. He felt his eyes fill up and was instantly embarrassed. Men didn’t cry. Men shouldn’t cry.
But no matter how hard he tried not to, one tear escaped and slid down his cheek. His voice was hoarse. ‘She died three days before Christmas. I came home to a house we’d decorated together, that would never feel the same again.’
‘Oh, Jacob.’ Bonnie’s tears fell instantly, and she reached up to his cheek to brush his away. ‘I can’t even begin to imagine what that felt like.’
Now he’d started he couldn’t stop. He felt safe. He felt safe talking to Bonnie. Someone he’d known only a month and invited into his home. There was nothing superficial about Bonnie Reid. She was all heart and soul. He’d never met anyone like her before. Or if he had, he’d never taken the time to get to know them.
It felt right to tell Bonnie about his mother and why his insides were so messed up about Christmas.
‘I felt like when we buried my mother, we buried a little bit of ourselves. My father was never the same. I can’t remember ever seeing my father smile once my mother died. Our relationship was non-existent. I’m embarrassed by it. I’ve no idea if he just couldn’t cope. If it was all just grief. Or, if my mother had brought out another side of him, and when she died he just reverted back to how he normally was. All I know is that from the age of ten, happiness just didn’t feature in our house.’
Bonnie’s tears were free-flowing. ‘That’s awful. You had no one? No one else you could turn to?’
He shook his head. ‘Christmas felt like a curse after that. That’s why I hate it so much. I try not to be bitter. But it just doesn’t evoke the happy memories in me that it does for others. I do have good memories of Christmases with my mother. But they were so long ago. Sometimes I wonder if they even existed.’
‘Oh, Jacob.’ Bonnie reached over, her hand stroking the top of his. She left it there and squeezed gently, the warm sleeve of her jumper touching his forearm.
It was the touch. The heat of her hand, coupled with the act of compassion. Something he hadn’t felt in such a long time. Or maybe it was the relief?
The relief of reaching thirty-seven and finally being able to share with someone. It was as if a whole dark weight had lifted off his shoulders. He couldn’t rationalise it. It didn’t make any sense. But saying the words out loud, to someone who might actually understand, was a whole new concept for Jacob.
These last fourteen months had been so hard. The next few weeks probably the hardest while he waited for his results. The outcome of whether he’d come out the other side of non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, or he’d succumb like his mother. Bonnie and Freya had been good for him. They’d brought some light back into his life at a time when he needed it most.
Bonnie squeezed his hand again. ‘You can’t do that, Jacob. You can’t take your feelings out on my little girl.’
He pulled his hand away and put them both up to his face, cringing. ‘I know that. I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking straight. I just came in, saw the decorations and it brought back a whole host of things I just wasn’t ready for.’ He put his head in his hands for a second. ‘I overreacted. I know I overreacted. I’m sorry, I really am.’ He turned to face her.
She was beautiful. Bonnie Reid was actually beautiful. Even with the harsh light in this stark white room, her dark red hair, bright blue eyes and pale skin made her the most beautiful woman he’d ever been close to. ‘What can I do? What can I do to make it up to her? To make it up to you? I don’t want her to hate me. I don’t want her to be scared of me.’
Bonnie nodded slowly and met his gaze. There was a gentle smile on her lips. ‘I can’t tell you that, Jacob. You’ve got to figure that out for yourself. You’re the adult—she’s the child. You have to take some time to work through how you feel about everything.’
‘How do I do that?’ His voice was low. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from her. All he wanted to do was reach out and touch her perfect skin—to join the invisible dots between the light sprinkling of freckles across her nose.
He wanted Bonnie and Freya to feel safe. To feel safe around him. Just as he’d felt safe to tell her about his past.
‘What happened to your dad?’
He gave a little sigh. ‘He died—two years ago of heart failure. Had a funeral with full military honours.’ He raised his eyebrows. ‘He would have been very proud.’
* * *
Bonnie bent down and lifted the bottle of wine. ‘Why don’t we have a drink together and just talk?’
He nodded, then smiled as he took the bottle from her hand and turned the label around. He raised his eyebrows. ‘Did you open the most expensive bottle of wine that I had?’
She smiled and held up her phone. ‘You bet your life I did. I looked it up online first. I was planning on finishing it before you got back. You’re lucky I left you any.’ She handed him a glass.
He poured the remaining wine into his glass and stopped for a minute, holding it between both hands. He was staring at the liquid in the glass. ‘I’m just glad that you didn’t leave,’ he said quietly.
She reached over and put a hand on his back. ‘I wanted to. I didn’t even care that we had nowhere to go.’ She shook her head, as if she couldn’t quite understand herself. ‘But I just couldn’t, Jacob. Not like this.’
There was a silence for a few moments between them. Was she considering the same implications that he was? That what had started out as a temporary arrangement was becoming so much more?
He looked up through heavy lids. Now he’d come in from the cold, the heat of the house was hitting him in a big way. He’d gone from being frozen to the bone to feeling superheated in a matter of minutes.
Sensations of fatigue were sweeping over him. But his body was fighting it every step of the way. Fighting to hold on to the other sensations in his prickling skin. Those bright blue eyes were mesmerising. She didn’t need to speak. It was almost as if he knew what she was thinking. Was he imagining this? He’d never felt a connection like this before.
‘I guess not everyone leaves,’ he whispered.
Bonnie took a long, slow breath and put her wine glass on the floor. Although her actions were slow and measured, he didn’t doubt for a second that she knew exactly what she was doing.
As she turned to face him, one leg was pulled up on the sofa, tucking under her as she put her arms around his neck. ‘No, Jacob,’ she whispered. ‘Not everyone leaves.’
His breath was stuck somewhere in his throat. He’d never told anyone what he’d just told Bonnie. Now she seemed connected to him—tied to him, and he didn’t want that to end. The blood was roaring through his ears. The feel of the soft fluffy wool on the sleeves of her jumper pushed his temperature skyward.
But his self-defence mechanisms were still kicking into place. He’d lived his life too long like this for them to disappear instantly. ‘But you did leave,’ he murmured. ‘You left your husband.’
He was fixed on her eyes. Fixed on the perfectness of her skin and beautiful auburn hair framing her face. She nodded. ‘I did.’ It was almost as if she sensed she had to tease him every part of the way. She gave a little smile, ‘But I had exceptional circumstances—you know what they were.’
He reached over and touched her hair. ‘Not really. Tell me about them. Tell me about Freya’s dad.’
He could see her hesitation, see her sucking in a breath. He’d just shared with her. She now knew about one of the biggest influencing factors in his life. He’d barely scratched the surface with her.
Her eyes fixed on the floor. ‘Robert was my boyfriend. We were together about a year when I fell pregnant unexpectedly.’ She threw up her hands. ‘I know. Don’t say anything. A midwife accidentally falling pregnant. The irony kills me.’ Then she smiled. ‘But Freya is the best accident that will ever happen to me.’ She bit her lip. ‘It’s stupid really, and hindsight is a wonderful thing. Robert’s parents were real traditionalists. So we got swept along with their ideals and got married before Freya arrived. The truth was Robert was never really the marrying kind.’
‘But you married him anyway?’ He gave a little smile. It wasn’t really a question, it was a more a sympathetic observation. Bonnie didn’t seem upset, just a little sad.
She started winding a strand of hair around her finger. She nodded. ‘I think I was more in love with the idea of being in love, than actually being in love. In my heart of hearts, I never really pictured us growing old together.’
‘And?’
She shrugged her shoulders. ‘I was busy with work and juggling childcare for Freya. I kind of lost sight of being married. Robert was distant—distracted. I suspected something was going on. It made me mad. I came home early from work one day and found another car in the drive. I let myself into the house and found Freya playing downstairs. Robert was upstairs, in bed, with one of my closest friends.’ She shook her head and sagged back a little. ‘It wasn’t my finest hour. The fact Freya was in the house. The fact it was one of my friends...’
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