скачать книгу бесплатно
Mollie and the Unwiseman Abroad
John Bangs
Bangs John Kendrick
Mollie and the Unwiseman Abroad
FOREWORD
INTRODUCING TWO HEROES AND A HEROINE
I
There were three little folks, and one was fair —
Oh a rare little maid was she.
Her eyes were as soft as the summer air,
And blue as the summer sea.
Her locks held the glint of the golden sun;
And her smile shed the sweets of May;
Her cheek was of cream and roses spun,
And dimpled the livelong day.
II
The second, well he was a rubber-doll,
Who talked through a whistling hat.
His speech ran over with folderol,
But his jokes they were never flat.
He squeaked and creaked with his heart care-free
Such things as this tale will tell,
But whether asleep or at work was he
The little maid loved him well.
III
The third was a man – O a very queer man!
But a funny old chap was he.
From back in the time when the world began
His like you never did see.
The things he'd "know," they were seldom so,
His views they were odd and strange,
And his heart was filled with the genial glow
Of love for his kitchen range.
IV
Now the three set forth on a wondrous trip
To visit the lands afar;
And what befel on the shore, and ship,
As she sailed across the bar,
These tales will make as plain as the day
To those who will go with me
And follow along in the prank and play
Of these, my travellers three.
I
MOLLIE, WHISTLEBINKIE, AND THE UNWISEMAN
Mollie was very much excited, and for an excellent reason. Her Papa had at last decided that it was about time that she and her Rubber-Doll, Whistlebinkie, saw something of this great big beautiful world, and had announced that in a few weeks they would all pack their trunks and set sail for Europe. Mollie had always wanted to see Europe, where she had been told Kings and Queens still wore lovely golden crowns instead of hats, like the fairies in her story-book, and the people spoke all sorts of funny languages, like French, and Spanish, and real live Greek. As for Whistlebinkie, he did not care much where he went as long as he was with Mollie, of whom like the rest of the family he was very fond.
"But," said he, when he was told of the coming voyage, "how about Mr. Me?"
Now Mr. Me was a funny old gentleman who lived in a little red house not far away from Mollie's home in the country. He claimed that his last name was Me, but Mollie had always called him the Unwiseman because there was so much he did not know, and so little that he was willing to learn. The little girl loved him none the less for he was a very good natured old fellow, and had for a long time been a play-mate of the two inseparable companions, Mollie and Whistlebinkie. The latter by the way was called Whistlebinkie because whenever he became excited he blew his words through the small whistle in the top of his hat, instead of speaking them gently with his mouth, as you and I would do.
"Why, we'll have to invite him to go along, too, if he can afford it," said Mollie. "Perhaps we'd better run down to his house now, and tell him all about it."
"Guess-sweed-better," Whistlebinkie agreed through the top of his beaver, as usual.
And so the little couple set off down the hill, and were fortunate enough to find the old gentleman at home.
"Break it to him gently," whispered Whistlebinkie.
"I will," answered Mollie, under her breath, and then entering the Unwiseman's house she greeted him cheerily. "Good Morning, Mr. Me," she said.
"Is it?" asked the old gentleman, looking up from his newspaper which he was reading upside-down. "I haven't tasted it yet. I never judge a day till it's been cooked."
"Tasted it?" laughed Mollie. "Can't you tell whether a morning is good or not without tasting it?"
"O I suppose you can if you want to," replied the Unwiseman. "If you make up your mind to believe everything you see, why you can believe a morning's good just by looking at it, but I prefer to taste mine before I commit myself as to whether they are good or bad."
"Perfly-'bsoyd!" chortled Whistlebinkie through the top of his hat.
"What's that?" cried Mollie.
"Still talks through his hat, doesn't he," said the Unwiseman. "Must think it's one of these follytones."
"Never-erd-o-sutcha-thing!" whistled Whistlebinkie. "What's a follytone?"
"You are a niggeramus," jeered the Unwiseman. "Ho! Never heard of a follytone. Ain't he silly, Mollie?"
"I don't think I ever heard of one either, Mr. Unwiseman," said Mollie.
"Well-well-well," ejaculated the Unwiseman in great surprise. "Why a follytone is one of those little boxes you have in the house with a number like 7-2-3-J-Hokoben that you talk business into to some feller off in Chicago or up in Boston. You just pour your words into the box and they fall across a wire and go scooting along like lightning to this person you're talkin' to."
"Oh," laughed Mollie. "You mean a telephone."
"I call 'em follytones," said the Unwiseman coolly. "Your voice sounds so foolish over 'em. I never tried 'em but once" – here the old man began to chuckle. "Somebody told me Philadelphia wanted me, and of course I knew right away they were putting up a joke on me because I ain't never met Philadelphia and Philadelphia ain't never met me, so I just got a little squirt gun and filled it up with water and squirted it into the box. I guess whoever was trying to make me believe he was Philadelphia got a good soaking that time."
"I guess-smaybe-he-didn't," whistled Whistlebinkie.
"Well he didn't get me anyhow," snapped the Unwiseman. "You don't catch me sending my voice to Philadelphia when the chances are I may need it any minute around here to frighten burgulars away with. The idea of a man's being so foolish as to send his voice way out to Chicago on a wire with nobody to look after it, stumps me. But that ain't what we were talking about."
"No," said Mollie gravely. "We were talking about tasting days. You said you cooked them, I believe."
"That's what I said," said the Unwiseman.
"I never knew anybody else to do it," said Mollie. "What do you do it for?"
"Because I find raw days very uncomfortable," explained the Unwiseman. "I prefer fried-days."
"Everyday'll be Friday by and by," carolled Whistlebinkie.
"It will with me," said the old man. "I was born on a Friday, I was never married on a Friday, and I dyed on Friday."
"You never died, did you?" asked Mollie.
"Of course I did," said the Unwiseman. "I used to have perfectly red hair and I dyed it gray so that young people like old Squeaky-hat here would have more respect for me."
"Do-choo-call-me-squeekyat!" cried Whistlebinkie angrily.
"All right, Yawpy-tile, I won't – only – " the Unwiseman began.
"Nor-yawpy-tile-neither," whistled Whistlebinkie, beginning to cry.
"Here, here!" cried the Unwiseman. "Stop your crying. Just because you're made of rubber and are waterproof ain't any reason for throwing tears on my floor. I won't have it. What do you want me to call you, Wheezikid?"
"No," sobbed Whistlebinkie. "My name's – Whizzlebinkie."
"Very well then," said the Unwiseman. "Let it be Fizzledinkie – only you must show proper respect for my gray hairs. If you don't I'll have had all my trouble dyeing for nothing."
Whistlebinkie was about to retort, but Mollie perceiving only trouble between her two little friends if they went on at this rate tried to change the subject by going back to the original point of discussion. "How do you taste a day to see if it's all right?" she asked.
"I stick my tongue out the window," said the Unwiseman, "and it's a good thing to do. I remember once down at the sea-shore a young lady asked me if I didn't think it was just a sweet day, and I stuck my tongue out of the window and it was just as salt as it could be. Tasted like a pickle. 'No, ma'am, it ain't,' says I. 'Quite the opposite, it's quite briny,' says I. If I'd said it was sweet she'd have thought I was as much of a niggeramus as old Fizz – "
"Do you always read your newspaper upside-down?" Mollie put in hastily to keep the Unwiseman from again hurting Whistlebinkie's feelings.
"Always," he replied. "I find it saves me a lot of money. You see the paper lasts a great deal longer when you read it upside-down than when you read it upside-up. Reading it upside-up you can go through a newspaper in about a week, but when you read it upside-down it lasts pretty nearly two months. I've been at work on that copy of the Gazette six weeks now and I've only got as far as the third column of the second page from the end. I don't suppose I'll reach the news on the first column of page one much before three weeks from next Tuesday. I think it's very wasteful to buy a fresh paper every day when by reading it upside-down backwards you can make the old one last two months."
"Do-bleeve-youkn-reada-tall," growled Whistlebinkie.
"What's that?" cried the old man.
"I-don't-be-lieve-you-can-read-at-all!" said Whistlebinkie.
"O as for that," laughed the old man, "I never said I could. I don't take a newspaper to read anyhow. What's the use? Fill your head up with a lot of stuff it's a trouble to forget."
"What do you take it for?" asked Mollie, amazed at this confession.
"I'm collecting commas and Qs," said the Unwiseman. "I always was fond of pollywogs and pug-dogs, and the commas are the living image of pollywogs, and the letter Q always reminds me of a good natured pug-dog sitting down with his back turned toward me. I've made a tally sheet of this copy of the Gazette and so far I've found nine thousand and fifty-three commas, and thirty-nine pugs."
Whistlebinkie forgot his wrath in an explosion of mirth at this reply. He fairly rolled on the floor with laughter.
"Don't be foolish, Fizzledinkie," said the Unwiseman severely. "A good Q is just as good as a pug-dog. He's just as fat, has a fine curly tail and he doesn't bite or keep you awake nights by barking at the moon or make a nuisance of himself whining for chicken-bones while you are eating dinner; and as far as the commas are concerned they're better even than pollywogs, because they don't wiggle around so much or turn into bull-frogs and splash water all over the place."
"There-raintenny-fleeson-cues-sneether," whistled Whistlebinkie.
"I didn't catch that," said the Unwiseman. "Talk through your nose just once and maybe I'll be able to guess what you're trying to say."
"He says there are not any fleas on Qs," said Mollie with a reproving glance at Whistlebinkie.
"As to that I can't say," said the Unwiseman. "I never saw any – but anyhow I don't object to fleas on pug-dogs."
"You don't?" cried Mollie. "Why they're horrid, Mr. Unwiseman. They bite you all up."
"Perfly-awful," whistled Whistlebinkie.
"You're wrong about that," said the Unwiseman. "They don't bite you at all while they're on the pug-dog. It's only when they get on you that they bite you. That's why I say I don't mind 'em on the pug-dogs. As long as they stay there they don't hurt me."
Here the Unwiseman rose from his chair and walking across the room opened a cupboard and taking out an old clay pipe laid it on one of the andirons where a log was smouldering in the fire-place.
"I always feel happier when I'm smoking my pipe," he said resuming his seat and smiling pleasantly at Mollie.
"Put it in the fire-place to warm it?" asked Whistlebinkie.
"Of course not, Stupid," replied the Unwiseman scornfully. "I put it in the fire-place to smoke it. That's the cheapest and healthiest way to smoke a pipe. I don't have to buy any tobacco to keep it filled, and as long as I leave it over there on the andiron I don't get any of the smoke up my nose or down my throat. I tried it the other way once and there wasn't any fun in it that I could see. The smoke got in all my flues and I didn't stop sneezing for a week. It was dreadful, and once or twice I got scared and sent for the fire-engines to put me out. I was so full of smoke it seemed to me I must be on fire. It wasn't so bad the first time because the firemen just laughed and went away, but the second time they came they got mad at what they called a second false alarm and turned the hose on me. I tell you I was very much put out when they did that, and since that time I've given up smoking that way. I never wanted to be a chimney anyhow. What's the use? If you're going to be anything of that sort it's a great deal better to be an oven so that some kind cook-lady will keep filling you up with hot-biscuits, and sponge-cake, and roast turkey."
"I should think so," said Mollie. "That's one of the nice things about being a little girl – you're not expected to smoke."
"Well I don't know about that," said the Unwiseman. "Far as I can remember I never was a little girl so I don't know what was expected of me as such, but as far as I'm concerned I'm perfectly willing to let the pipe get smoked in the fire-place, and keep my mouth for expressing thoughts and eating bananas and eclairs with, and my throat for giving three cheers on the Fourth of July, and swallowing apple pie. That's what they were made for and hereafter that's what I'm going to use 'em for. Where's Miss Flaxilocks?"
Miss Flaxilocks was Mollie's little friend and almost constant companion, the French doll with the deepest of blue eyes and the richest of golden hair from which she got her name.
"She couldn't come to-day," explained Mollie.
"Stoo-wexited," whistled Whistlebinkie.
"What's that?" asked the Unwiseman. "Sounds like a clogged-up radiator."
"He means to say that she is too excited to come," said Mollie. "The fact is, Mr. Unwiseman, we're all going abroad – "
"Abroad?" demanded the Unwiseman. "Where's that?"
"Hoh!" jeered Whistlebinkie. "Doesn't know where abroad is!"
"How should I know where abroad is?" retorted the Unwiseman. "I never had any. What is it anyhow? A new kind of pie?"
"No," laughed Mollie. "Abroad is Europe, and England and – "
"And Swizz-izzer-land," put in Whistlebinkie.
