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“When can I spend some time with him?” Matt clamped an iron will on his patience. He wanted to see Davie right now, to study the boy’s facial expressions and learn his mannerisms. Matt felt like he’d just become a father. As though the amazing event had occurred only moments ago.
For him, it had. He couldn’t believe it. He was a dad!
“I’ll give you a call.” The angry lines creasing her mouth eased a bit, but the wall of tension remained.
Instinctively he knew if he pushed too hard, she could make it very difficult for him to ever see Davie. Matt wasn’t stupid. One claim that he’d abandoned Andie over five years earlier and had never seen his own child wouldn’t go over too well with a family-court judge. He didn’t want attorneys and visitation battles. He wanted his family back.
Matt reached inside his shirt pocket and pulled out one of his new business cards. He handed it to her and she took it reluctantly, letting it dangle from her fingers like a dead mouse.
“My home and cell numbers are on the back. Call me anytime, night or day. I’ll come running.” He indicated the cane. “Or I should say I’ll come walking as fast as I can.”
She didn’t smile at his attempted humor.
Taking up his cane, he stood and took a step, hoping he didn’t fall flat on his face. His left thigh muscle quivered as he put weight on it, but he forced it to endure. He’d returned to work too soon after the fire, but he couldn’t wait to see Andie. He looked at her now, letting his gaze feast upon her pretty face. Her blond hair seemed a bit longer, flipped back in soft waves he longed to touch. She looked down at his business card and her hair swung forward, hiding her profile. He fought the urge to reach out and brush it back. To cup her face with his hands and look into her blue eyes as he kissed her lips.
Words clogged his throat. So many things he wanted to say. So many apologies. But she wouldn’t believe him. Not yet. There was just one thing he needed to get off his chest right now. One thing he must say to her over and over again.
“I never should have left you, Andie. I wish I had stayed.”
She gave a harsh, disbelieving laugh. Her eyes looked so cold. Devoid of the warmth and joy he’d seen there when they’d first married. “I find that hard to believe.”
“I mean it.” He met her gaze without flinching, trying to convey the truth of his words with every fiber of his being.
She dropped his card on top of her desk and stood a bit too abruptly before stepping away from her chair. The anguish on her face reminded him of all the pain he’d caused her. He didn’t want to see her cry right now. Not when she still hated him.
He opened the door and smiled over his shoulder at her. “You take care of yourself. We’ll be in touch soon.”
Andie left the office as soon as Matt pulled out of the parking lot. After her encounter with him, she wanted nothing more than to see Davie and hold her son close. To know he was safe at home where he belonged.
Alone in her car, she refused to cry. She’d shed enough tears over this man. Why had Matt returned? She’d moved on with her life and didn’t want to resurrect the past.
As she pulled into the driveway of the white forest service house where she lived, she gripped the steering wheel, trying to settle her nerves. She didn’t want Davie to see her upset like this.
Susan came outside to greet her. When this ranger district had opened up, Andie had jumped at the job. Sue and her husband lived in Enlo, and Andie thought being near family might be good for both her and Davie. She’d been right.
Andie’s younger sister stood on the front step, resting one hand on the porch railing. The grave expression on Sue’s face told Andie of her concern. And yet, Andie didn’t know what to say. She didn’t understand this situation herself.
Taking a deep breath, Andie unbuckled her seat belt and stepped out of her car. She dodged the snow shovel lying on the front lawn.
Bless Sue. She was now a stay-at-home mom and spent her time tending to Rose and Davie and helping Andie get settled here in Enlo. If not for Sue and her husband, Brett, Andie didn’t know how she would have made it through the past years alone.
As Andie reached the covered porch, Sue stepped forward and handed her a warm sweater. Sue curled into a wicker chair and indicated Andie should join her. “The kids are fine. Let’s talk before I take Rose home.”
Andie glanced at the front door, noticing it stood ajar so they could hear the children. “Thanks, sis.”
“You okay?” Sue asked as Andie sat down.
Andie draped the sweater over herself. Freezing cold in spite of the warm day, she tried to feel something besides deep, abiding hatred. “I’m fine.”
Sue peered at her. “You don’t look fine.”
“Well, how do I look?” A gentle breeze pulsed around them, and she brushed the hair back from her face. She felt chilled and irritated and longed to get out of her uniform and into some comfortable sweats.
“You look pale and distressed.”
Andie shook her head, filled with disbelief. “Why did he have to come back? Why couldn’t he have stayed away?”
“I don’t know. The guy is bad news. What does he want?”
“Right now? To see his son.”
Sue pressed the fingers of her right hand against her mouth. “Maybe you need to get a restraining order against Matt.”
Andie blinked, reluctant to let this situation get any uglier than it already was. “No, I can’t do that. Matt has never, ever threatened me. He’s not that kind of man.”
“Well, there’s no doubt Davie would love to meet his father. Besides Rocketman and baseball, his father is almost all he ever talks about. What about you?”
“I don’t know. I think I’d rather go on like before, forgetting I ever had a husband. But I have to think about Davie and what’s best for him.”
“And do you think getting to know his father is best?”
Andie turned her head, gazing at the drift of melting snow edging the sidewalk. The snow reminded Andie of a long-ago, happier time in her life when Matt had taken her skiing for the first time. “Matt always had his faults. You know he was egotistic and goal-oriented to the point of obsessive, but he was a good man, too. He worked hard, provided well and was always kind and generous to me. I have no reason to believe he’d hurt Davie on purpose.”
“You think he’s been faithful to you all these years the way you’ve been to him?”
The thought of Matt being with another woman tore Andie’s heart to shreds. If he’d been unfaithful, that was between him and God. “I have no idea. It’s not my business anymore.”
“Maybe you should ask him.”
Andie’s eyes widened, and a feeling of horror overcame her. “I’ll do no such thing.”
And yet she wanted to know. Had he missed her at all while he’d been gone? Or had he found someone else to share the long, lonely nights with?
Sue released a deep sigh. “What if he spends time with Davie and then disappears again? That would hurt Davie so much.”
Tears filled Andie’s eyes. She blinked to hold them back. “Then I’ll be here for my son. I’ll always be here for him, no matter what.”
“Maybe you need to talk to an attorney. Just to be safe.”
Andie took a deep breath, letting the fresh air clear her thoughts. “Not yet. Matt hasn’t asked for anything unreasonable, and I don’t want to create a fight over nothing.”
“You’re surely not going to let him be alone with Davie. What if he tries to kidnap your son?” Incredulity filled Sue’s voice, her face contorted in outrage at the mere possibility.
“Of course not. I have no intention of letting Matt have unsupervised visits. At least not until I know what he intends. He just barely found out he has a child.”
Sue’s shoulders stiffened. “I know. I greatly regret barging into your office like that. It kind of let the cat out of the bag a bit abruptly.”
Andie waved a hand in the air, resigned to the situation. “Don’t worry about it. It was just a matter of time before Matt found out about Davie. Enlo isn’t that big of a town.”
A regretful huff escaped Sue’s mouth. “I should have claimed Davie was my son.”
Andie gave a harsh chuckle. “You haven’t been married long enough. Besides, I won’t lie. I have nothing to be ashamed about.”
“Maybe I could take Davie away for a while. I could take the kids and go visit Brett’s mother in Ohio.” She shuddered, as if the thought repulsed her.
Andie laughed. “Your offer is very generous. I know how much you adore your mother-in-law. But no. Davie’s still in school. If Matt hadn’t found out on his own, I would have told him myself.”
“Why?”
“Because he has a right to know about his son.”
“Do you think Matt would try to steal Davie?”
Andie shook her head, wrapping her arms tightly around herself. “Matt has a job in the S.O.’s office. He’s not going to damage his career by kidnapping his own son.”
“Does he want a divorce?”
Andie didn’t know the answers to any of these questions, yet they kept rattling around inside her brain.
“I don’t think so. He apologized for leaving me. He said he wished he’d stayed.”
Sue snorted. “Can you believe that guy? What a loser. He always did have a lot of nerve.”
Which was one reason Andie fell in love with him. Matt had been so much fun, and intelligent, too. A true athlete, full of life and hopes and plans. And he worked hard to meet his goals. Definitely not a loser. He’d encouraged Andie to meet her goals, too. He’d taken on additional work assignments to earn her tuition, prepared dinner and helped with the laundry. Andie had adored him at first sight. They’d both enjoyed the outdoors, skiing together, hiking, camping, you name it. She’d never been much of a girlie-girl. She baited her own hooks and cleaned the fish she caught. But with Matt’s overt masculinity, she’d always felt feminine and protected by him. Loved. Until he betrayed her by leaving. Seeing him now limping around with a cane confused her, and she wondered again if his injury was permanent.
“No, Matt’s no loser,” she said. “He was always hardworking, in school and in his career. He’s a high achiever who just got his priorities messed up. But he has some very good qualities, too.”
Sue leaned forward, her eyes creased with concern. “Do you think he’ll take you to court, to try and take Davie from you?”
“No. I’m not sure what he wants, but I don’t think he would hurt Davie like that. And if he tried, I’d fight him tooth and nail. No one’s ever taking Davie from me. Of course, Matt’s probably still in shock, finding out he has a son.”
“Good. When I think about how badly he hurt you, I figure he deserves a nice shock.” A vindictive smile curved Sue’s lips.
Andie appreciated her sister’s loyalty, but in all fairness to Matt, he’d been a good, diligent husband when they’d been together. She couldn’t fault him there. He’d just forgotten what was really important. When she thought of the angst she’d seen in his eyes when he found out about Davie, she couldn’t help feeling sorry for him under the circumstances. He’d missed almost six years of his son’s life, after all. But Matt had made a conscious decision to remove himself from her life … and any children she might have.
“What are you gonna do?” Sue asked.
“Wait and see.”
“Wait and see what?”
“What Matt does.”
Sue dangled one stockinged foot over the whicker footrest. “I don’t understand. You cried buckets of tears after he left, Andie. I won’t stand by and let him hurt you again.”
Andie waved Matt’s business card with his phone numbers in the air. She’d scooped it up the moment he’d left her office. She didn’t smile as she spoke. “Don’t worry, I’m over him. Matt didn’t contact me for over five years. He said he’d be in touch. Let’s wait and see how badly he wants to see his son.”
“I take it you’re not planning to call him.”
“Absolutely not. If he wants to see Davie, he’ll have to call me. I’m not going to pursue it.”
If Matt wasn’t serious about getting to know his son, Andie didn’t want Davie to get hurt. Above all else, she would protect her child. Even if it meant he never saw Matt again.
A satisfied smile curved Sue’s lips. “Good girl.”
Chapter Three
“How’s the leg?” Cal Hinkle smiled at Matt as he limped down the hall leading to the reception area of the Forest Supervisor’s office.
Normally Matt worked late, preparing for the summer fire season. He paused as the receptionist locked the front door, the clock on the wall reading 5:17. Matt couldn’t wait to get home and put an ice pack on his thigh.
“Great,” Matt said. He leaned his shoulder against the wall, trying not to grit his teeth. Using the cane for balance, he refused to give in to the pain. He didn’t want his boss to know how bad his leg hurt.
Cal showed a concerned smile, talking low. “And you’re keeping up with your physical therapy?”
“Yeah, my new physical therapist is great. I’ve started walking on a treadmill and doing my exercises regularly.”
“And what about the post-traumatic stress?”
“I’m dealing with that, too.” In his own way. It didn’t sit well with Matt to meet with shrinks to discuss his survivor’s guilt. So far, he hadn’t told a single soul what happened the day he’d lost one of his crewmen and almost died himself. The horror of the wildfire plagued him, and he couldn’t put his thoughts into words. He couldn’t relive it a second time.
“Good. If you need to talk, my door is always open, Matt. It’ll take time, but I know you can heal both physically and mentally.”
“I appreciate that.” In the daytime, Matt had no problem coping. At night, his dreams haunted him. Jim should still be here, not him. Sometimes Matt woke up screaming, his body covered in sweat. He wondered if he’d ever feel normal again.
Cal paused before returning to his office. “Fire season will start early this year. I’ve scheduled a meeting in two weeks with all the rangers on our forest. Will that give you enough time to present your fire plan to them?”
Matt nodded, knowing Andie would be there. “I’ve already been working on one I think you’ll like. It should streamline communication between all of us, the BLM and local fire authorities, and offer better use of our resources. I’ve also been looking at the contracts each ranger will need in place for equipment and heavy machinery for the fire crews. Next week I’ll start visiting each ranger to solidify the contracts and find out if they have any special needs.”
“Good. I knew you were the right man for this job. Have a nice evening.” Cal clapped his hand on Matt’s shoulder.
Matt smiled, pleased to be doing something right. Funny how he always seemed to excel in his job performance, while his family relationships were a different matter.
Placing the cane in front of him, Matt headed outside to his truck. Clouds the color of gray slate filled the sky, and it had been raining. The drive home took less than ten minutes. You couldn’t get this kind of commute living in a big city.
Inside his dingy studio apartment, he opened the freezer and took out an ice pack. The dismal surroundings needed lamps and pictures on the walls, but Matt didn’t care. He only used his apartment to shower, sleep and perform his leg exercises. He slouched on the Hide-A-Bed sofa and laid the cool pack on his leg. He’d never get used to the chronic pain, although he could endure it. The emptiness in his heart was another issue.
Five days and still no word from Andie. He’d tried to give her some space. To give her time to talk to Davie and make visitation arrangements. Now Matt felt like a caged tiger, eager to see her and Davie again. Filled with fears and doubts. He wanted to take things slow, to give Andie time to adjust to him being back in her life, but he couldn’t help wondering if this was how she’d felt after he’d left and never called her. Now he wondered how he’d lived all that time without hearing her voice every day. He’d put her through so much. How could he have been so unfeeling to her needs? He hadn’t deserved her. But he’d changed so much since then. If only he could show her that he was a better man now. A man who loved her more than he loved life.
He picked up the remote and flipped on the TV, listening absentmindedly to the news. So far they’d had an extra-dry winter with a weak snowpack in the mountains. In the summer, they’d have a heavy fire season as a result. Already he’d started planning the fire school they were scheduled to host in early May to train summer wildfire fighters. He had no doubt they’d need many before summer ended.
After thirty minutes, Matt tossed the ice pack aside. He changed out of his forest service uniform into some sweats and climbed on the treadmill, hoping the exercise might ease the pain in his leg. It didn’t. Even with the special ointment the doctor had given him, the tight skin grafts on his left thigh throbbed unbearably.
“Come on, Cutter,” he spoke aloud to himself. “Just one more mile. You can do this. You don’t need to stop.”
As he forced himself to walk, he gripped the handrails. He briefly considered taking a pain pill, but tossed that idea aside. He didn’t need an addiction to deal with right now on top of everything else.
When he finished walking, Matt guzzled a glass of water. His body shook and he lay down on an exercise mat, going through the stretching exercises his physical therapist had taught him.
