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‘Feeling Christmassy yet?’ Gillian, her nursing colleague from the emergency department and fellow elf for the weekend, came to join her at the front of the plane to welcome on board the excited children and volunteers along with the flight staff.
‘I’m doing my best.’ It was difficult to get into the spirit since everything she’d once loved about this time of year now reminded her of her husband walking out of their marriage and the worst period of her life. However, this wasn’t about her, so she plastered on the jolliest smile she could muster and handed out candy canes with a ‘Merry Christmas!’ to the special group of sick children the hospital had chosen for the charity trip.
‘Well, you certainly look the part.’ Gillian gave a little wolf whistle that had Freya tugging on the furry white hem of her green velvet dress.
‘I knew it was too short. That’s what happens when you’re forced to shop in the kids’ department.’ Everything in the costume store had swamped her petite frame but she guessed her height was the reason she’d been chosen to be one of Santa’s helpers in the first place. Well, that and her extensive nursing experience, which made her a vital part of this group.
Without a very skilled medical team these poorly children would never get to leave Edinburgh. Such was the seriousness of some of their conditions there were a few of them who rarely left the hospital. That was why this trip was so magical, so important to the families and to her when she saw many of them time and time again in the emergency department. She would simply have to set aside her own heartache and loneliness around the season to make this memorable for everyone.
‘You look gorgeous. With any luck you might even catch the eye of a reindeer herder over here and decide not to come back.’
Freya was forced to bite her lip until the young passengers were out of earshot. There was no room for disappointment or disillusionment on this trip and her love life definitely fell into those categories.
‘Men are definitely off my wish list for the foreseeable future. I barely survived the last one. All I want for Christmas is to forget about Lucas Brodie and remind myself I’m Freya Darrow—the woman who is Christmas personified, not some sad and lonely divorcee who spent last year crying into her eggnog.’ So they weren’t officially divorced, but since she hadn’t seen Lucas again from the moment he’d walked out on her, Freya had eventually had to accept the marriage was over. She’d reverted back to her maiden name when she’d decided to rid all traces of him from her life once and for all.
In those heady days of their intense romance, she supposed they’d never taken the time to find out about each other beyond who they’d become as a couple. So physically wrapped up in each other and the idea of being together to care about anything else, they’d left no space for her to confide in him about the loss she’d suffered as a teenager or for him to share his apparently opposing views on starting a family. During the early days of their marriage she’d been so happy she hadn’t wanted to spoil anything by reopening the old wounds of her past, naively believing everything would simply fall into place.
Then, when Lucas’s moods had become unpredictable, she’d been afraid to upset either of them any more by bringing up the issue, unaware that while she’d been making plans for a family he had already been plotting an escape route. He’d given up on them before even admitting there’d been a problem; without even trying to resolve whatever issue which had been so great he’d seen no other option rather than to leave. It made her doubt if the strength of her feelings for him and investment in their relationship had ever been reciprocated.
‘I’m glad to see you back to your old self but, ah, there is something about Lucas I should probably tell you...’
‘I don’t want to know. I’m only thinking happy thoughts this weekend.’ Freya refused to let further mention of him steal what little there was left of her enthusiasm for the season and shoved the end of a candy cane in her mouth for a peppermint sugar hit. The rumours Lucas was back, working in their sister hospital across the city, had reached her ears too but she didn’t want to think about it. Not now when she was just starting to pull her own life back together.
It wasn’t so long ago she’d spent Christmas making tearful phone calls around hospitals and friends, trying to find out if he was even still alive. There’d been several days of sheer panic and disbelief before she’d heard he’d gone on sick leave from work and didn’t want to be contacted. Apparently that had included her. To this day she still didn’t know if there’d been someone else, or if her talk of starting a family had made him have serious second thoughts about spending the rest of his life with her. He hadn’t done her the courtesy of ever explaining himself. Not that it would change what had happened now when she was finally trying to move on.
There was no way she’d let memories of her absentee husband spoil things now after she’d spent the week overdosing on schmaltzy Christmas films and hot chocolate in an attempt to recapture her love of the season again. This trip to the Arctic Circle was just what she needed to restore her faith in human nature and awaken her inner child. Plus it was a bonus to embrace every tacky, glittery bauble associated with the spectacle Lucas had despised so much.
‘Merry Christmas,’ Freya repeated to every little soul as they were helped on board, ashamed she was even thinking about herself today. This was a break from reality for all of them. Even the parents and siblings left at home would enjoy some respite themselves this weekend with a getaway in the Scottish countryside funded by the charity. It made a change for everyone whose lives normally revolved around hospital appointments and stress.
‘Is Santa here yet?’ A particularly eager young man ran down the aisle in search of the man in red.
‘I told you, Sam, we see Santa at the end of the trip. Try not to get yourself over-excited before we even leave Scotland.’ The volunteer assigned to him followed down the aisle, clutching an asthma inhaler in her hand.
‘Someone’s keen.’ Freya loved the enthusiasm, even though it was a tad premature. They had a whole itinerary to keep tiny spirits up until they reached Santa’s grotto deep in the winter wonderland of the Finnish forests. The excitement was catching already and she couldn’t help but hope for a little magic herself by the end of the weekend. A memory swipe of her ill-advised workplace romance and an embarrassingly short marriage should do it. Failing that, she was a sucker for cuddly toys.
‘His mum said he’s been looking forward to this for weeks.’ Young Sam and his aide took their seats and Freya could almost feel the sense of relief as well as expectation from everyone. This was an escape into fantasy and a chance for them all simply to be children again.
‘Oh, to be that young and carefree again,’ Freya whispered after them, hankering for the life she’d had before a runaway husband had left her so jaded and cynical.
‘I really think you should know...’ Gillian tried again to force the shadow of Lucas over the proceedings and she was wondering if her friend was trying to tell her he’d been spotted with another woman. After such a lengthy separation it was really none of Freya’s business who Lucas might have hooked up with in the interim, or who he might see in the future, but the pain was still too raw for her to find out for sure. It had made it impossible to go and confront him at work when she’d heard he was back. She couldn’t face seeing him, knowing he was happier without her, when she’d been broken into a thousand pieces without him. His reluctance to come to her and explain his whereabouts for these past months said everything about his complete disregard for her feelings.
‘I think that’s everyone on board now. We should find our seats for take-off. Once we’re safely up in the air and the captain gives us the go-ahead we can organise the in-flight entertainment.’ With virtual fingers in her ears, she put her head down and took her seat near the front of the plane, which was thankfully on the opposite side from Gillian’s. She didn’t want to spend the next few hours listening to a running commentary on her ex’s exploits since he’d returned from the wilderness. Left with no other choice, Gillian huffed out a breath and buckled herself in across the aisle.
The lovely smiley member of the cabin crew who’d helped them decorate the inside of the plane with tinsel patted Freya on the knee to get her attention. ‘We’re just waiting for one more to arrive. Then we’ll close the doors and really get this party started.’
‘Of course. We wouldn’t be going very far without the doctor, would we?’ She prayed there wasn’t some sort of medical emergency holding up the very man who’d be coordinating the children’s medical care. They’d already had one of the non-medical volunteers pull out, leaving them short-handed. As lead nurse she’d agreed to supervise two of the children herself but they really couldn’t do without the doctor.
‘They’ve just called from the departure gate to say he’s on his way now.’
At least the delay meant she could take a breather for a little while before she had to face her next challenge. Take-off was the one part of the flight experience she never enjoyed. That moment when the plane left solid ground and the world grew ever smaller beneath her was always a nail-biter.
She settled back in her seat and attempted to relax. From the moment they were up in the air until the time they landed back in Scotland, there wouldn’t be much time for her to rest.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, we have our last passenger on board, so we can close the cabin doors and prepare for take-off.’ The announcement was made as a windswept figure dashed on board and received a round of applause and a chorus of cheers.
Not from Freya. She was dumbstruck. Too traumatised to even remember how to breathe.
Lucas.
Here.
Now.
Unless she was having some sort of sugar-induced hallucination, he’d just stepped onto the plane.
‘Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.’ The late arrival shook the rain from his thick blond hair. Freya blinked as the water droplets showered over her and she was forced to face the fact her ex-husband was actually here. Not only that, he had the nerve to smile and breathe as though he’d never crashed her whole world around her.
She turned, open-mouthed, towards Gillian, who simply shrugged and mumbled, ‘I tried to tell you.’
‘Not hard enough,’ Freya hissed. This couldn’t be happening. She had no desire to see him or talk to him, not since it had become apparent he’d abandoned her and their marital home, and now he was here, gatecrashing her weekend away? That was cruel even by his standards.
‘The doctor who was supposed to be travelling with us took ill. I only found out myself this morning that Lucas had been drafted in to take his place.’
‘That still gave you time to tell me.’ Now the doors were locked, she was shut in this very small, very public space with him. It wasn’t the ideal place to face him for the first time in nearly a year when her emotions were bubbling so close to the surface they could very well blow out the doors of this aircraft. She was already hyperventilating; each gasping, shallow breath making it a possibility she might just pass out. That really would be the sour cherry on top of this mess.
‘I didn’t want to upset you or force you to back out. I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position. I know it’s not fair on you, but we need you here.’ Gillian wasn’t the kind to employ emotional blackmail to get what she wanted and Freya knew she’d only done what she thought was best in the circumstances. If she had been aware Lucas was going to be part of this, she might never have made it on board the plane herself and that would have put the entire trip in jeopardy. It didn’t make the prospect of spending enforced time with him any more palatable, though.
‘It should’ve been my decision to make,’ she grumbled, letting Gillian off the hook and directing her annoyance at the person who deserved it most. Lucas.
This volcano of bubbling emotion inside her was exactly the reason she hadn’t wanted any contact with him. It was difficult to restrain herself from getting up and punching him in the face for running out on her the way he had or squaring up to him and demanding answers she probably wasn’t ready to hear. Neither option would settle her again now when the mere sight of him was still enough to make her heart beat a little faster. Memories, good and bad, flooded back so quickly, so intensely she had to forgo her candy cane to reach for the little paper bag in the seat pocket to breathe into.
In.
Their first kiss on a night out with colleagues after weeks of working side by side when he’d been called in for cover in Princes Street and she’d been trying to ignore the growing attraction.
She’d never anticipated any sort of workplace romance, especially when he’d only been at the hospital on a temporary contract. That hadn’t seemed the ideal basis for any long-term relationship, and she wasn’t the type of woman who would ever find satisfaction in a fling, but he’d been so kind and attentive, to her and his patients, he’d eventually become the exception to her rule. Her gamble in letting her heart rule her head again seemed to have paid off since they’d kept dating long after his posting had finished, but she was still paying the price for her mistake now.
Out.
Lucas on one knee, promising he’d love her for ever and making her believe this time an engagement would mean marriage and a family and everything that had been taken from her in the past.
She’d made no secret of the fact she wanted the same kind of special relationship her parents had one day and had thought he’d understood how sacred marriage was to her, not something to ever be taken lightly. The proposal, over a candlelit dinner at his place, had been perfect because it had been a private moment between the two of them, somewhere she hadn’t felt under pressure. The homely, romantic gesture had held more meaning to her than a scripted display of bravado in front of a crowd, and he’d made her believe he held the same values. Only to toss her aside when he’d grown tired of married life all too soon.
In.
Their wedding day, when she’d been on top of the world and had truly believed they’d be together for ever.
It had been a small church wedding since Lucas had had no family he’d wished to invite to the service. He’d looked so handsome, and had seemed so utterly devoted to her during their vows to one another, he would’ve rivalled any fairy-tale prince. During their first dance as husband and wife at the reception she would’ve even sworn he’d had tears in his eyes, but the adoration hadn’t lasted.
Out.
The last image she had of him, walking out the front door only months later and breaking her heart in two.
That dream of her picture-perfect family had vanished along with him that day. He hadn’t loved her enough to even work at their marriage, never mind raise babies with her. She guessed he’d decided somewhere along the way he hadn’t wanted to follow that traditional love, marriage, kids route after all.
There’d been several self-centred men in her life since her first teenage infatuation, who’d run out on her when faced with the ultimate responsibility, but none of them had hurt her as much as Lucas because he was the one she’d never stopped loving.
The bag inflated and deflated in time with her shallow breaths.
‘If you’ll just take your seat, Doctor, we’ll be on our way.’
Freya could hear the admiration in the young attendant’s voice and an eerie sense of calm descended upon her. She’d been that naive girl once, dazzled by the handsome consultant with the pale blue eyes and the great smile. It had taken a lot longer for her to trust him with her heart. She’d mistakenly believed such a strong, reliable force in the workplace would make him the man who would be there for her when she needed him the most in her personal life too. The kind of man who wanted to settle down and would find contentment with a wife and a couple of kids. How wrong she’d been.
This past year had toughened her up and hopefully made her immune to those superficial charms now she knew he wasn’t the man she’d thought he was behind the handsome facade. Lucas was no better than the first man who’d betrayed her trust. Perhaps even worse because he’d broken his vows as well as her heart.
She crumpled up the paper bag with much more force than was probably necessary and shoved it back in the pocket until she could dispose of it properly.
The one consolation she had in watching another woman fawn over him was seeing the smile fall from his lips as he made his way down the plane and spotted her sitting in the aisle seat.
‘Freya?’ He swallowed hard and Freya found some satisfaction that he didn’t appear any more comfortable than she was with the situation. Even if this had been some sort of set-up to force her to talk to him, the reality might’ve actually made him face up to his actions. Nothing Lucas could say now would change what he’d done but dealing with the consequences might make him think twice about treating someone else with such scant consideration.
It didn’t make the idea of spending the weekend in his company any more palatable.
‘Lucas. You were the last person I expected to see,’ she said through gritted teeth, hoping the disapproval was radiating off her. He was completely out of order, ambushing her like this, but it wasn’t the time or place for a screaming showdown. No matter how tightly her fists were clenched or how raw her throat was with the effort of holding back tears and the urge to ask, ‘Why?’ He didn’t get to ruin any more of her life.
‘I was asked to cover at the last minute...and I thought...’ He was standing in the middle of the aisle, creating a bit of a spectacle as he blustered around her, attempting to squeeze his carry-on luggage in the overhead locker as the cabin crew tried to chivvy him to his seat.
‘What? That this would make a good surprise?’ If he was any good at reading body language, her folded arms and scowl should have told him otherwise. The fact that he’d chosen to play out this painful reunion in front of passengers and colleagues made matters worse. The one saving grace was that everyone else was so caught up in their own excitement the general ruckus on the plane should be drowning out this awkward conversation.
He ought to be on his knees again, begging her for forgiveness this time.
‘Doctor, I really need you to take your seat as quickly as possible so we don’t miss our flight slot.’ The flight attendant flashed a warning through her too-bright, teeth-baring smile as she slammed the locker shut and ushered him to the seat in front of Freya’s.
She gulped in a deep breath as he turned away from her and released her from the hypnotic trance of those too-easy-to-get-lost-in blue eyes. These months of tears and heartbreak hadn’t managed to eradicate the strongest of all the emotions she felt for Lucas—love—and she hated herself for it as much as she wanted to hate him. She’d never asked for their relationship to end and it seemed her feelings hadn’t diminished any over time. If she’d stopped loving him at any point during their separation it wouldn’t hurt so much to see him again and be reminded of everything she’d lost.
This weekend was going to test her personally as well as professionally and turn her into a prisoner of her own emotions because absolutely nothing was going to spoil the magic for these children. Not even the unresolved issues of her marriage breakdown.
* * *
Lucas collapsed into his seat, the sight of Freya after all this time hitting him with the unexpected force of a runaway sleigh, even though he’d known she’d be here.
‘Your seat belt, sir.’ He was admonished by another member of the cabin crew as they completed their safety checks and waited with increasing agitation for him to buckle up.
‘Sorry. So sorry.’ He wanted to stamp the word in bold black ink on his forehead so Freya could see it too because he was seemingly incapable of vocalising his regret for the way he’d left things between them now they were face-to-face.
It had been nearly a year since they’d last seen each other, yet her obvious pain, and his shameful guilt, felt as fresh as if they’d only just broken up.
When he’d realised her name was on the staff list he’d had second thoughts about volunteering for this position, knowing a confrontation was inevitable. After all, she’d loved him every bit as much as he’d loved her before he’d abruptly ended their marriage. In the end, he’d realised he had to man up and face her so they could both have closure on that very difficult time in their lives. It wasn’t going to be easy to initiate a conversation about the possibility of divorce but a legal end to their relationship was the next logical step if she was ever going to be truly free of him and have the fresh start she deserved. He’d intended to broach the subject with her at some point on this trip when they could talk more freely and once she’d got used to the idea of seeing him again.
Except when he’d been planning his return to the world, he hadn’t filtered any residual emotions into the equation.
The sight of her again had unexpectedly choked him up, reminding him in that instant of everything he’d lost to his illness. It was his friend Peter who’d salvaged his career and liaised with the hospital during his sick leave but, ashamed of his weakness, he’d begged Peter not to reveal anything to Freya.
He’d had to jump through hoops with the hospital board to prove he’d recovered and get his job back, with numerous meetings and assessments with occupational health and the GMC before he’d been deemed fit enough to work. His colleagues and the senior consultants had supported his return, and now he was building up his hours at the hospital again, he’d managed to resurrect his career, but he’d known he’d never be able to win his wife back.
Seeing her again only increased that ache in his chest and suggested he wasn’t ready to let her go just yet even when setting her free for good was the best thing he could do for her. So much time had passed he’d imagined they would both be glad to escape any ties to one another and he hadn’t been prepared for the reaction of either of them upon seeing each other again.
His kind and gentle wife looked as though she wanted to physically hurt him. He’d always been able to read her because she never made any attempt to hide her feelings. Unlike him, who’d kept his secrets and emotions bottled up until he’d imploded from the stress of holding it all back and destroyed everything he’d ever loved.
Those almond-shaped eyes had flashed with wild fire when they’d lit upon him, full of anger and hurt. Arms folded as she’d confronted him, there’d been a hardness to her he’d never encountered before. Lucas wasn’t naive or egotistical enough to have expected she’d welcome him with open arms but part of Freya’s charm had always been her warm personality. It was a shock to the system to see her changed so much and it made him realise how much time had passed between them. It also made him question how much of that change was down to him.
In his mixed-up head he’d believed that by leaving her he was doing what was best, so he didn’t drag her into that dark pit of despair with him. When his conscience did prick at the thought of her tear-stained face staring after him, he’d convinced himself she would’ve found someone else to replace him by now. That somehow leaving had been a selfless act on his part and she’d be cosied up with another man, planning the family she’d always wanted and he hadn’t been convinced he could give her.
The reality was very different, of course, and made him see his actions through her eyes for the first time since he’d turned his back and left her to deal with the fallout alone. They’d been so in love but he’d shut her out to the point of ignoring her pain in favour of his own.
Even without her clipped tone and abrupt manner with him, Lucas could see the distress he’d caused in her defensive body language and it broke his heart. With the clarity of his recovery it was obvious now that walking away hadn’t been the answer; he’d only caused them both further agony. At the time what had been left of his pride had decreed that he protect his new wife from the responsibility of knowing about his childhood and subsequent illness. It hadn’t been her job to fix him. He’d had to fix himself. Now he was realising the extent of what that decision had cost him and Freya.
The plane rumbled down the runway and he instinctively reached back to give her hand a reassuring squeeze. He knew how much she hated this part of the flight.
‘Are you okay?’ He peered around the back of his seat to see her sitting bolt upright, her eyes wide with fear.
‘I’m fine,’ she snapped, and snatched away from his grip as though she’d been burned.
On their honeymoon she’d dug her nails so deeply into the armrest he’d thought she’d never let go as he’d tried to prise her off again, but she was letting him know now without doubt he’d given up that right to touch or comfort her any more. She was his wife in name only now and that was entirely his fault.
The tension in her body and her instant recoil was a stark contrast to the effect he used to have on her. That slightest touch brought back the torturous sights and sounds of their honeymoon and beyond, when she’d once melted beneath his touch. They’d been happy for a time, in love and in lust, and he wished it had never come to this when she’d rather suffer a panic attack alone than accept his help.
There was a long way to go to get her to hear him out and he had the distinct impression that if it wasn’t for the people surrounding them she would tell him exactly what she thought of him without stopping for breath. There was a long list of his failings but he’d never been as aware of them as he was now when his sweet wife could barely control the rage she felt towards him. If he thought it would give either of them any satisfaction, or in any way make up for how he’d treated her, he’d offer himself up as a punch bag right now.
He mightn’t have thought this through properly but he remained hopeful this weekend would provide an opportunity for him to explain himself and smooth the way for a talk about the next step. That was all he could ask and yet it was more than he probably deserved from her.
He listened to the oohs and aahs of the children as the plane soared upward and the city lights blazing through the dark morning gradually disappeared beneath the clouds. The minute they reached cruising height and the seat-belt light went out, the plane became a hive of activity again as people left their seats.
‘So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, who’s looking forward to meeting Santa Claus?’ The intercom crackled with the enthusiastic tone of a non-crew member and a quick glance confirmed it was the other elf he’d seen on board. Freya was on her feet too but she was handing out sheets of paper to the whooping passengers.
‘We thought we’d get everybody warmed up with a few Christmas carols, so elf Freya is handing out some song sheets to everyone. If anyone wants to come up and sing a song or tell a joke while we wait, you’re very welcome.’
Lucas managed to block out the tones of tuneless childish warbling and recycled jokes because his attention was totally focused on Freya as she made her way through the cabin. That bright smile shone for everyone she spoke to and he held his breath, waiting for his turn; to feel her warmth upon him once again. Of course, it didn’t happen. When she reached him the light dimmed in her eyes and the smile faltered.
‘You’re looking well, Freya.’ It was the best he could come up with to fill the awkwardness of the moment but he meant every word of it. The passing of time hadn’t diminished her beauty, or the effect it had on him. He still felt like the luckiest man in the world that she’d ever agreed to be his wife, and the stupidest for letting her go.
She turned to move on without saying a word but it had been so long since they’d been this close he couldn’t help himself trying to prolong the moment.
‘You’ve cut your hair.’ The short, messy bob suited her fine features but he’d always loved her long chestnut-brown hair.
‘I needed a change,’ she said flatly, suggesting again there’d been more than physical alterations occurring in his absence.
His stomach rolled at the thought he’d been the cause of that sudden edginess to her when she’d always been such a bubbly, loving individual and his actions had hardened her heart the way his father’s self-destructive behaviour had his. He knew what a long, painful process it was to get over that kind of damage and what it cost along the way. Not something he would ever have wished for Freya to go through, and exactly the reason he’d walked away in the first place.
