The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping our children thrive when the world overwhelms them

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Even when the emotions are not worrisome, like hating one’s baby sister, HSCs may not show their tumultuous inner life to the rest of the world. The introverts—70 percent of HSCs—will often keep it all inside. The intense and extroverted HSCs will express themselves more.

HSCs are often even more distressed than other children by unfairness, conflict, or suffering; for example, they may be deeply sad about the loss of the rain forests, racial injustice, or the mistreatment of animals. They tend to foresee dire consequences. They are usually quite disturbed at seeing other children teased. They lose their appetites if their parents have a fight. It is all typical stuff for children, except stronger.

Are there exceptions? Always. Some HSCs are able to develop strong self-regulation of their own emotions, perhaps even too strong. How much feeling to feel is a question all people face (although some have less choice), and the answer is often decided by culture and the family style, and particularly by what parents teach a child about emotional expression. Usually nothing needs to be said to teach an HSC to control her emotions. She senses what is wanted. For example, parents who are embarrassed or afraid of the strength of their own feelings or the feelings of their child will convey by their avoidance of emotions that feelings are best kept unexpressed. On the other hand, if an HSC lives with parents who often lose control emotionally and he has inherently strong emotional self-regulation abilities, he may decide total control is preferable to the chaos created by his parents.

We will talk more about handling strong emotions in Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo), but here are some general suggestions:

Think about how you handle emotions and how you want your child to handle them. Think about each emotion: sadness, fear, love, happiness, anger, and curious excitement. Which ones were not allowed when you were growing up? Are you teaching the same lessons to your child?

Read up on “emotional intelligence.” Mary Kurcinka’s Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles is excellent for helping parents become sound emotional coaches for their children. Her book has whole lists of tips for the parents of any sort of child: For example, listen to the emotions first rather than lecture about the behaviors, teach your child what soothes and calms her, and get to know your child’s emotional cues so you can help her recognize her feelings.

Talk to your HSC about emotions. These children in particular need to be able to name what they are feeling and what might have caused it so that they can feel more in control over the inner tumult. Talk about how you have handled similar feelings.

Strive to “contain” your child’s negative emotions until your HSC can do it for herself. Ideally, you go off to a quiet place and let the child fully express the feelings while you remain calm and non-defensive. Your attitude should be “tell me more, tell me all about it, and what else, and what else.…” This full expression will allow both of you to later get at what was the real cause, and meanwhile your child can feel all that is happening inside without having to endure it alone. You will hold it with her until, with years and experience, she can hold it alone. We will consider this containing task more in Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo).

Be attuned to positive emotions, too, matching their tone. You want to respond to negative emotions with attention and respect, but do respond to positive feelings equally. Do not squash your HSC’s enthusiasms and happy moods with comments like “If you’re so happy, this is a great day to clean your room.”

Be aware of how being overstimulated and overaroused can increase all emotional reactions, especially the negative ones. A mood often passes with a good night’s sleep, while staying up and trying to talk it away can only add to the overstimulation. Always try, “Shall we sleep on it?”

If any powerful emotion lasts for several days, you may want to seek some help. This includes depression, anxiety, anger, and also happy but sleepless “hyper” states. You do not have to take your child to a psychologist—that may be quite distressing in itself. You might start with you and a professional trying to figure it out without your child around. And the goal should be understanding what caused these lasting feelings, not merely medicating them away. Medication should be a last (but invaluable) resort.

4. Awareness of Others’ Feelings

Given that humans are social animals, if you combine an awareness of subtleties and an intense emotional life, you have a person who tends to be highly aware of others’ feelings. What a wonderful attribute, making your HSC empathic, an intuitive leader (not to mention salesperson), skilled in knowing how to nurture just about anything, and having a good sense of when a close relationship needs attention.

Again, this awareness begins in infancy. All infants are highly aware of their caregiver’s feelings—their survival depends on it. When psychologists emphasize the importance of early mothering and the security of the bond between mother and child, it is not to make mothers feel guilty. It is simply a reality due to our being primates. And for better or worse, HSCs are going to be exquisitely attuned to those who take care of them. And since 40 percent of parents did not experience a secure attachment in childhood themselves, it is important for those of you with that sort of history to learn to send secure messages to your own child. We will discuss that more in Chapter 6 (#litres_trial_promo).

For older HSCs, one of the biggest problems is that they can be aware of another’s feelings even when the other person is not. People often deny their fear or anger to be polite or avoid embarrassment, and may do so even to the point of being honestly unaware of it. “Of course I’m not annoyed” or “I’m not even slightly afraid.” But the HSC may pick up on subtle signs, even the scent caused by the emotion in the other’s body. Then your child must deal with knowing about the other’s feelings without seeming to know, while getting a different message in words. I know one sensitive woman who in childhood confronted her best friend several times about how envious and competitive they were with each other. Her friend always denied it—until adulthood. But all through childhood, the woman had to wonder if she was crazy and making it all up.

It will help your child enormously if you can identify and be honest about your own feelings.

Similarly, people will say to a “shy” HSC, “Don’t be so worried about what other people think; they aren’t even noticing you!” That is hard for the HSC to believe when he is noticing everything about everyone else, including how much others truly are subtly comparing themselves to each other. But, if you raise your HSC to feel confident—which you will learn to do in Chapter 5 (#litres_trial_promo)—he will notice others watching but assume they are pleased or accept that it does not matter.

As for empathy, when HSCs are overwhelmed, they can become temporarily quite unaware of other’s needs. But if your child is chronically insensitive to others or remote, something is wrong that is not simply overarousal.

As a result of all this awareness of others, an HSC may decide to put the needs of others first to spare them (and the HSC) emotional pain. This is usually not conscious, and the compliance may only happen with some people. With others, yourself for example, your HSC may be quite feisty, outspoken, and demanding. But when your child seems to be choosing to be a doormat, it is probably because she finds it easier than feeling the other’s pain or burning need, or the threat of the other’s anger or judgment. What can you do about making this awareness of others’ feelings an asset for your child? We will discuss this more in later chapters, but here are some basic tips.

Be aware of how you handle your own awareness of others’ feelings. If you feel nothing or show no reaction to another’s suffering, your child will be left alone with his reaction plus have less respect for you. If you deny the problem of worrying about what others think of you, your child will feel flawed for still having this concern. So think these issues through for yourself and discuss with your HSC how you resolve them. For example, if you and your child hear of some catastrophe in which many people have suffered, a child with religious instruction will want to know why God allowed all those people to suffer and what is a child’s duty toward the victims? One of the joys (and trials) of having children, especially an HSC, is being forced to confront the big questions in life.

Teach your child what can be done, like sitting down together at the “season of giving” at the end of the year and choosing which charities and causes your family will contribute to. And discuss what is not helpful, like feeling bad all the time about others’ suffering. You do all you can, then move on. Regarding being aware of others’ judgments, I like the “fifty-fifty rule”—you can always expect 50 percent of people will like what you do, 50 percent will not. So you may as well do what you think is best. You cannot please them all.

Look at how you balance the needs of others around you with your own needs. Consider your own ability to say “no” to others or to disregard their opinion when it feels wrong. Your child will imitate you.

Teach your child that he has a right to say no or ignore another’s opinion. In particular, a person who is burned out from helping others or trying to please them is no use to anyone. We each do our part, but we cannot do it all or lose sleep over it. As one Christian writer pointed out, Jesus knew he could heal every person in Judea, but as far as we know he slept okay at night without having done so.

Be careful about sharing too many of your own troubles or judgments of others with your child. HSCs can become wonderful friends, confidants, and counselors, especially for parents without another close, understanding other. But this is too much for even the wisest child to handle. Your HSC is still learning to cope with an overwhelming world and needs to gain strength from you before she can handle the job of supporting a troubled adult. And when HSCs hear you judging others, they will be even more convinced that this is a common human behavior.

To promote your child’s sense of his own needs and wishes, insist that he make choices whenever that is possible. I will emphasize this often. Even if your child is slow at it or you think you know what he would choose, ask. “Do you want crackers or bread?” “Would you rather invite Jan here or see if you can go to Jan’s house?” If his needs conflict with another’s, displeases someone, or anyone says his choice is stupid or in poor taste, tell your child that it is correct to briefly and politely consider advice that sounds sensible and is said with good intentions, but that he has a right to his own needs and opinions and to learn from his own experience.

See that everyone’s wishes in your family are heard and respected equally when that is possible—that is, practice equal and reciprocal empathy, rather than the HSC being the one who complies more. One parent with two HSCs alternates “ruler for the day” rights. When Janie is ruler, she can ride in the front seat, answer the phone (or not), get the first serving of dessert, hold the dog’s leash, or whatever the privilege is that one of the two children might enjoy. On the next day, Gareth gets to choose. On their day, they know and act on what they want, not having to think of the other. For an HSC, that can be a huge relief and important experience.

In our family, we can be considerate of each other to a fault. I used to say that I would love to have a day pass without hearing one of the three of us say “I’m so sorry.” At times it seemed as though we were apologizing for breathing each other’s air. Perhaps that is why we had a tradition that on a birthday we would all go to the grocery store and the one with the birthday could choose any special food he or she wanted for the family dinner. There was something about doing this with the others present that I think helped to override that sense of guilt about having one’s own way.

5. Caution Before Proceeding in New, Possibly Dangerous Situations

Because sensitive children see so much in every situation, they will have some new aspects to notice even in a familiar one. Imagine two children coming into the kitchen in the morning. To the non-HSC, it’s just like every other morning. The HSC, however, notices father’s coat is gone so he has left early; mother is in a strange mood; there’s a paper bag behind the door as if someone tried to hide it fast; a smell of burnt toast; a broken dish in the trash. Did they have another fight? Or maybe they’re distracted, getting ready for my birthday tomorrow?

Given this sensitivity to even familiar situations, an entirely new situation has to be well processed before an HSC enters it. That is just how it is. This can be frustrating for nonsensitive parents especially, for whom a surprise party is just a party, or the ocean is just the ocean—something kids are supposed to love and dive right into. But their HSC wants to check it out, and if forced to proceed, may protest, not enjoy it, or refuse this “pleasure” altogether.

Yet this is a quality of HSCs that parents can easily appreciate, too. HSCs are not as likely to fall from trees, get lost, be hit by a car, try smoking, or be abducted or misused by a disturbed adult. You warned them of the dangers and they check every unfamiliar situation to see if those dangers are present. It is even better with teenagers. They are better drivers (or will not drive—my son did not wish to take on that huge responsibility until he was twenty-seven). They are cautious about drugs, sex, breaking the law, and who they hang around with.

But you also do not want your child to miss out on interesting new experiences, as when Maria, the HSC described at the beginning of this chapter, was invited as a teenager to travel to Sweden. She insisted that she would not go, but her mother insisted that she would; later, a happy call from Stockholm proved her mother correct.

There are times, of course, when HSCs are not so cautious in new situations. In Chapter 1 (#u2c350c1f-8031-5bc5-a82c-020789fc2afe) you learned about the pause-to-check and go-for-it systems in every brain. All HSCs are strong in the first, but the two systems are independent, so some HSCs are high on both. They are careful, but also adventuresome. In that chapter I described Ann, who rides motorcycles and jumps out of airplanes, but only her parents know how much she has studied the safety considerations and how much down time she needs to recover. You also met Chuck, who climbs trees like a monkey and loves to ski. But only his mother knows he has never broken a bone because he has checked out every unfamiliar branch and slope. Since the culture admires and encourages adventuresomeness, often only the parents know their child’s secret, cautious side.

We will talk more about the problems associated with pausing before proceeding and how to deal with them in Chapter 8 (#litres_trial_promo) and Chapter 9 (#litres_trial_promo). But for now, here are some overall recommendations.

Remember the advantages of your child’s caution—this will help you not be disappointed when it seems “uncool.”

See it from your child’s viewpoint. You have been in this situation many times, but he has not. You no longer notice the cliff beside the road or the shadows on the path. And there may be fewer risks for you. These are not your future playmates; you are bigger so dogs and waves and cars look smaller; you are used to heavy jet planes staying in the air.

Point out what is familiar or what resembles past situations that your child has mastered. “The family reunion will be a lot like Grandma Mae’s birthday party.” “The ocean is just a huge bathtub and the waves are like the kind you make when you move around in your bath.” “There’s Sue—you met her last week at Nancy’s party.”

Take it one step at a time. See Chapter 7 (#litres_trial_promo) for these steps. Keep each step small and easy so your child can hardly protest and will definitely succeed and look good. “You don’t have to talk to anybody if you don’t want to. Just come and watch. You can be busy with your Gameboy.” After some watching, you can try saying, “I’ll bet if you walk Tiger over to those swings, someone will ask you what kind of dog he is.”

Provide a retreat (if you can do so without drawing embarrassing attention to your child). “You can go to your room whenever you want to leave the party. Just slip out and I’ll cover for you if anyone asks.” “I’ve told the teacher you may want to go and rest—just tell her.”

Success is the key to your child exploring new situations in the future. Remember, all HSCs have a go-for-it system. They want to explore, as long as the risks do not seem too high. So point out all that they will gain from exploring (without going overboard) while minimizing the risks. “I was so impressed, seeing you out there in the deep end swimming like a fish. To think you couldn’t swim at all last summer. Next week you’ll be starting middle school and changing classes every period. Think of it—if one teacher’s a drag or you don’t like some kid in your class, you aren’t stuck all day. And you get to take those two electives you signed up for. You already know enough about computers and Native Americans to practically teach those classes yourself. I’ll bet it won’t be long before you’re ‘in the swim’ there, too.”

6. Being Different—It Attracts Attention

The sixth challenge when raising an HSC is not due to the trait directly, but the way others view it. Unless your child becomes very good at hiding it, she will be known as someone who feels and notices more, someone who pauses before acting and thinks everything over afterward. And it seems to be a human fact that when we meet someone different, especially a member of a minority group (and sensitive people are in the minority), we immediately decide if they are superior or inferior, if they look up to us or if we should look up to them. This is what any child who seems “different” must face.

As with the other six, there are also advantages in having a child who is different. Remember our motto: To have an exceptional child you have to be willing to have an exceptional child. Some teachers, peers, and relatives will think your child’s differences are marvelous. From these people your child will gain the self-esteem she will need when meeting up with some of the other people, the majority in our culture, who are less impressed with sensitivity.

Indeed, in some cultures it is a social advantage, an honor, to be sensitive. Peoples living close to the earth esteem their highly sensitive herbalists, trackers, and shamans. And a study comparing elementary school children in China and Canada found that being a “sensitive, quiet” child was associated with being popular in China, but with being unpopular in Canada. Perhaps “old” cultures with rich artistic, philosophical, and spiritual traditions such as China and Europe can afford to reward sensitivity more than “new” immigrant cultures such as the United States, Canada, Latin America, and Australia, which have rewarded pioneering “macho” men and “tough” women who gave little thought to the risks in a new land.

If you think about it, cultures that are tough, aggressive, impulsive, and quick to explore are the ones that expand and take over cultures with more peaceful, thoughtful, sensitive values—whether with an army, an aggressive economic style, or the dissemination of its culture. But this may be a story of the tortoise and the hare—the individuals and cultures that value sensitivity may yet be the survivors. Or, more likely, the cultures that succeed will be the ones combining both qualities, that balance impulsivity with a thorough awareness of the long-term consequences of despoiling natural re-sources; exploiting “inferior” groups until they become a burden or take their revenge; not bothering to educate the young; and so forth. A society in which sensitive people have equal respect and power will not make these mistakes. As I’ve said before, the world needs your HSC.

We will discuss in Chapter 5 (#litres_trial_promo) what you can do to empower your HSC and protect her from prejudices about sensitivity, but here are some basic pointers:

Examine your own attitude toward this trait. Research shows that almost everyone who grew up in North America has a subliminal, unconscious prejudice toward persons of color. Those who decide not to behave in a prejudiced way are those who actively override this built-in reaction. Likewise, since you grew up in a culture that thinks “sensitive, quiet” children are not as admirable, you must override this reaction for the sake of your child. And it can be quite real. Research indicates that “shy” sons, in particular, are often their mother’s least favorite child (while “shy” daughters are often encouraged to stay home and be mother’s special friend).

Talk about the trait with your child. Acknowledge the problems it creates but also point out the assets. Some parents fear mentioning that their child is different. I had an European-American friend who adopted an African-American child, and when I sent the child a book about famous African-Americans, my friend returned it to me, telling me that they were not going to tell their child she was different! As if she hadn’t noticed. Ignoring your child’s difference will not work. Your silence will speak louder than words.

Think through how you want to respond to comments from others, especially when your child will overhear you. Having developed some educated and clever responses, you can be almost invincible on this topic, since most people are ill-informed. You will learn how to do this in Chapter 5 (#litres_trial_promo). Your child will use these same responses when alone with others, and also to counter self-criticisms internalized from others when you were not around.

When your child is old enough to understand a bit more about culture and human psychology, explain about the roots and history of people’s reactions to sensitivity—how it is admired in some cultures, and that when it is not, some people, especially men, are so afraid of revealing anything like that in themselves that they become quite peculiar about it. I have been on several talk shows with macho-type hosts who seemed on the verge of nervous breakdowns while discussing this subject with me. They had weird nervous laughter, inappropriate questions, and poor concentration. They were probably reliving the day they fell down and cried and somebody blasted them with “Stop crying and act like a man instead of a mama’s boy!” Maybe you and your child can learn to enjoy these over-the-top reactions to bringing up the subject as much as I do.

Insulate your child from undo attention, praise, or pity. On rare occasions certain people may find your child’s sensitivity in and of itself to be extraordinary. But your child did nothing special to be born sensitive and should not be overly praised for that in itself or allowed to feel superior to others. Treat pity the same way, except that it is even more uncalled for. HSCs are not to be pitied. And even if they were, what counts is what we do with the cards we are dealt.

THE JOYS THAT ONLY PARENTS OF HSCS KNOW

Naturally, a book like this devotes the majority of its pages to identifying and solving problems. But that truly does the HSC an injustice and does not prepare you, the parent, to recognize and revel in all the joys involved. So let’s take a moment to count your blessings.

Even the problems have a bright side. By providing the understanding and help your child needs, you will be deeply appreciated by your HSC. Your child may even promote you to others as a saint among parents. And as you deal successfully with tough issues, in the family and from outside, you and your child can have moments of deep mutual appreciation. You will share electrifying success when you help your HSC master a fear, coming out of it even more confident than another child would. You will feel like comrades when you figure out together how to respond to teasing or prejudiced comments.

Your child will make you more aware of everything, introducing you to beauty, nuances, social subtleties, and questions about life that you would not otherwise stop to consider. Even if you are highly sensitive, your HSC brings a child’s fresh and highly receptive outlook on the world. You will be looking up the answers to all sorts of questions, or looking inside for those that are only answered there.

The two of you will connect in a deeper way. Of course, a connection requires two people—you will have to learn to be receptive to those moments when your child wants to be especially close and also to those times when she needs her separateness.

You will have a child who is aware of you, both the conscious and unconscious parts, which will force you to be more aware of yourself. “Mom, why did you tell that lady you like her when you told me you don’t?” “Dad, you said you’re so tired you could drop, but now you’re sweeping the floor.”

You will see your well-raised HSC grow up capable of amazing depths of feeling and of pleasure from the full range of beauty to be known in the outer and inner worlds. He may even express it in ways that allow others to see the treasures he has brought up from these depths.

You will see your well-raised HSC make an exceptional contribution to the world, whether backstage or front and center. Because sensitive people are such keen observers and thinkers, they are traditionally the inventors, lawmakers, healers, historians, scientists, artists, teachers, counselors, and spiritual leaders. They are the advisers to rulers and warriors, the visionaries and the prophets. In their communities, they are often the opinion leaders, the ones others seek out on how to vote or solve a family problem. They make extraordinary parents and partners. They are compassionate and care deeply about social justice and the environment.

I am sure that you can add points that I have forgotten, that are the special joys you receive from raising your HSC. Quite a list, yes? So keep our motto in mind: To have an exceptional child you must be willing to have an exceptional child. And let’s get to work.

Chapter Three

When You the Parent Are Not Highly Sensitive

Blessings in Disguise

This chapter should be read by sensitive as well as non-sensitive parents. You begin by taking a self-test, for high sensitivity in adults (and discuss another important temperament that you and your child may have—high novelty seeking). Then we concentrate on both the advantages and problems you may encounter raising an HSC if you (or your partner or the other adults helping to raise your HSC) are not as sensitive—with plenty of suggestions for handling the problems. (Chapter 4 (#litres_trial_promo) looks at the advantages and problems to expect if you are highly sensitive.)

HIGH SENSITIVITY AND YOU, MOM AND DAD

Even though high sensitivity is an inherited trait, it is quite possible for one or both parents of an HSC to not be highly sensitive themselves. (Some close relative probably is, and that person and your child probably even have similar physical features.) To find out if you are, take the self-test now at the end of the chapter.

This chapter is important for all parents to read, since even highly sensitive parents will not always be sensitive in the same ways or to the same degree as their child. This chapter will also help you advise the nonsensitive people around your child. And you will definitely want to read it if you are just discovering that you are highly sensitive yourself, since up until now you may have had the perspective of a nonsensitive parent, as Sharon did in the previous chapter.

(Please note: For brevity’s sake I will often say “nonsensitive” rather than “non-highly-sensitive,” but I never mean it as “insensitive.” Rather, I mean it very technically: not having this particular inherited trait.)

A SPECIAL NOTE TO FATHERS

Fathers especially need to read this chapter, whether they are highly sensitive or not, because men in this culture are more likely to have the perspective of a nonsensitive parent. That is because our culture tends to equate being a man with insensitivity—with not noticing subtleties and being able to “take it like a man,” whatever the level of stimulation, stress, or pain, even though just as many men as women are born with this trait. (By the way, if you score only in the medium range on the self-test, you may still be highly sensitive.) In my research, fathers turned out to be unusually important in the adjustment of HSCs, since traditionally they teach children how to manage out in the world.

HIGH SENSITIVITY AND NOVELTY SEEKING

High novelty seeking is the term for the trait created by having a very strong go-for-it system (described in Chapter 1 (#u2c350c1f-8031-5bc5-a82c-020789fc2afe)). High novelty seekers often like physical thrills, are bored easily with “the same old people,” and love to explore. (In Thomas and Chess’s terms, they are “highly approaching.”) For example, they’d rather go to a new place than back to one they know they like, and if they’re traveling, the more foreign the foreign country, the better. They often experiment with drugs at some point in their lives and they dislike routines.

As said before, it is possible to be highly sensitive and also high on this trait. But even if you are both, your trait of high novelty seeking will have some effects on you that will make you similar to a nonsensitive parent. The reason is that both high novelty seekers and nonsensitive people will enter into new situations more readily than their HSC, although for different reasons. Novelty seekers will do it because they want the fresh experience; nonsensitive types will simply not be so concerned about pausing to check.

In spite of the similarities, there is one situation where we need to discuss novelty seeking separately. That is when both you and your child are both highly sensitive and high novelty seekers. (I have not done enough research on novelty seeking to provide a child’s test for it, but I think you can estimate your child’s novelty seeking fairly well.)

The problem for types like you two is that you are easily bored, always craving fresh experiences, yet easily overwhelmed. Your optimal range of arousal is very narrow. You can seem almost self-destructive in that you will plan a day or an entire lifestyle that overwhelms you, then be exhausted, distressed, or even fall ill. When you consistently fail to contain your novelty seeking, you are inviting chronic illness because of your equally high sensitivity. And, of course, our culture supports the novelty-seeking side of you more. For example, corporate cultures often require or certainly encourage top managers to travel all over the world for their work. And high novelty seekers love all that travel and seeing new places. But if they are highly sensitive, they also burn out from it.

I say all of this because it will be your responsibility to figure out how to manage these two traits in yourself and then to teach your child how to do it. (Since this is not a book on that subject, I can only refer you elsewhere—to volume 4, issues 2 and 3 of The Comfort Zone, a newsletter for highly sensitive people—see Resources.)

WHEN YOU AND YOUR CHILD HAVE QUITE DIFFERENT TEMPERAMENTS

If you are all one way (a nonsensitive novelty seeker—and perhaps an extrovert, too) and your child is all the other way (an HSC, not a novelty seeker, and perhaps an introvert) then this is a very serious difference between you. Everything I am about to say is very, very important for you.

First, be assured that nonsensitive parents and HSCs can do extremely well together. In Chapter 2 (#u66ec15dd-083c-5ff8-9090-9d6373b6c81c), I described “goodness of fit” and emphasized that it does not at all mean that a parent and child need to have the same temperament; indeed, we will see ways where differences in temperament are an advantage. A good fit refers to the fact that some environments—cultures, families, and parents—support a given temperament especially well. If parents realize that there has been a lack of fit up to this point, they can adapt.