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It took me until my mid-thirties to realize that I had been unconsciously sabotaging my love life by following THE OLD RULE. And it was only when I stopped practicing this old rule, and applied THE REAL RULES that are in this book, that I finally found the right man, created the healthy relationship I’d always wanted, and got married—this time, for the right reasons …
Where did THE OLD RULE that has dominated so many women’s lives come from? It developed based on thousands of years of history during which women had no equal rights or opportunities, no jobs or ability to earn our own income, and truly needed a man, any man, for our physical survival. We didn’t have a choice—we either got married to whomever would have us, or entered a convent. (Having our own apartment with a friend was not an option …)
Lots of things made sense centuries ago that don’t make sense now—using a horse for transportation; cooking your meals over a fire; abstaining from sex because you didn’t want to have any more children. Now you have other choices that make life a lot easier, and much more enjoyable. That’s called progress. The OLD RULE and all the “sub-rules” that stem from it, made sense thousands of years ago, maybe even a hundred years ago. But they don’t make sense now.
Whether you recently read about this outdated thinking in a book, heard or still hear it from family members or girlfriends, or just realize, like I did, that it’s been unconsciously running and ruining your love life, one thing is true: As a woman on the threshold of the twenty-first century, you have other choices. And that’s what THE REAL RULES are about.
THE REAL RULES are positive principles about love and relationships that will take you into a more powerful, more fulfilled future, rather than trapping you in a limited past.
THE REAL RULES aren’t about trying to be what a man wants so he’ll marry you. Instead, THE REAL RULES are about becoming who you really are as a woman, and finding a man who loves you because of it.
THE REAL RULES won’t just teach you how to get a man—they’ll teach you how to get the right man.
Most importantly, THE REAL RULES are NOT based on the negative principle of FEAR—fear of being alone, fear of being unattractive, fear of a man becoming bored with you if you’re not “mysterious,” fear of making one wrong move or saying one wrong thing and “blowing” a whole relationship. When your behavior or choices are motivated by fear, you’re never acting from your most powerful self.
Instead THE REAL RULES are based on the positive principle of LOVE—loving and honoring your own thoughts, needs, and feelings as a woman, loving and honoring your partner’s own thoughts, needs, and feelings as a man, and expressing that love for yourself and for him by practicing honesty, kindness, and respect in all of your behaviors and communications.
There are 25 REAL RULES I’ll be sharing with you in the following chapters. All of THE REAL RULES are based on these basic principles that I call
THE FOUR LAWS OF LOVE
#1. The purpose of your life isn’t to get married. The purpose of your life is to grow into the most loving, fulfilled, real woman you can be.
#2. Your love life shouldn’t focus on getting a man, but rather on finding the right man for the real you.
#3. Once you have found the right man, the goal shouldn’t be getting him to make the ultimate commitment, but rather, creating a healthy, loving, mutually respectful real relationship.
#4. When you create a healthy, mutually respectful, real relationship with the right man, a loving commitment between you will naturally occur.
Soon I’ll be presenting the specific REAL RULES, but you can start replacing OLD RULES THINKING with REAL RULES THINKING even after reading just these few pages. Here’s a chart to help you:
I’m so excited to share this information with you. I know it’s going to make an enormous difference in your life, just as it did in mine. You deserve to know about THE REAL RULES!!!
HOW TO STOP SABOTAGING YOUR LOVE LIFE WITH THE OLD RULES (#)
Have you been tempted to try out some so-called “techniques” you recently read in a book or magazine about THE OLD RULES in hope of getting a man to fall in love with you, or getting your boyfriend to propose?
Does the advice you heard from your mother or from friends about how to “play hard to get with men” ever run through your mind, and do you find yourself wondering if it might work for you?
Are you embarrassed to admit that, even though you disagree with them, you’ve secretly considered using some of THE OLD RULES because you’re so tired of being single?
If you answered “yes,” “maybe,” or even “I’m not sure”: STOP EVERYTHING AND READ THIS CHAPTER NOW!! Before you go out on your next date, before you talk to a man on the phone, or before you even leave the house, think about this:
• Practicing THE OLD RULES can sabotage your self-esteem and take away your real power in relationships.
• Practicing THE REAL RULES, you’ll not only find the right man for you, but you’ll also feel more self-confident than ever before in all areas of your life.
Most women I know don’t just want a great relationship—whether they’re seventeen or seventy, they also want to feel fulfilled and powerful in their life. All of us would like to make our dreams come true, whether those dreams are to create a happy marriage and loving family, or to have our own, successful business. The dictionary defines the word “powerful” as meaning strong, capable, confident, effective, and impressive, versus feeling powerless—helpless, weak, ineffective, and dependent. Along with feeling powerful, most of us want to feel good about ourselves—we want a strong sense of confidence and self-esteem. And naturally, the more self-esteem you possess, the more capable and powerful you feel, and the more you attract the right people in life.
Well, guess what: every time you put one of the OLD RULES into practice, you are sabotaging your self-esteem and power. THE OLD RULES may seem like a silly, harmless method for getting a husband, but they’re actually much more dangerous than that, because each time you act on an OLD RULE, you’re reinforcing negative beliefs about yourself.
Is This the Kind of Woman You Want to Become?
The premise of THE OLD RULES is that your purpose is to find a man and get him to marry you. You are the hunter, and he is the prey. Your goal is to catch him. But THE OLD RULES say that a man won’t naturally want to make a commitment to you—he doesn’t want to be caught—so somehow, you have to trick him into it:
• You can’t reveal too much about who you are, or he’ll get turned off.
• You can’t show your true feelings, or he’ll lose interest.
• You can’t be too honest, or he’ll become bored with you.
• You have to look unattainable. Then, because he thinks he can’t have you, he’ll want you, and you’ve got him!!!!
This is what THE OLD RULES are all about—methods for getting what you want from a man by being covert, dishonest, and withholding love. There’s a word for this kind of behavior:
Manipulation
Manipulation is the opposite of true power. When you are a powerful woman, you don’t have to manipulate someone in order to get what you want. You don’t have to pretend, play games, hide the truth, or put on an act.
This brings us to the second premise of THE OLD RULES—that you need to figure out what a particular man wants in a woman and become that so you are “easy to be with.” Your goal is to fit into his picture of his ideal woman. You don’t want him to have an excuse to reject you, so you act the way you think he wants you to act: Another word for this demeaning behavior is:
Masquerade
Masquerade is the opposite of true self-esteem and self-confidence. When you truly love and respect yourself, you don’t have to hide parts of your personality from a man so he won’t be “scared off.” You don’t have to lie about your feelings by acting mysterious, or bury your beliefs and opinions beneath a demure smile as you sweetly say, “Whatever you want is fine with me.”
So each time you choose to follow an OLD RULE, you are reinforcing feelings of powerlessness, of low self-esteem: It’s as if you are saying:
“I’m not smart enough, wonderful enough, or interesting enough to get a man to want to spend his life with me just by being me, so I am going to have to manipulate him into wanting me, and masquerade as someone I’m not.”
How the Old Rules Are the Enemy of Your Self-Esteem
Here’s why the Two “M’s,” Manipulation and Masquerade, are the enemies of true power and self-esteem and why THE OLD RULES don’t work:
1. You never develop true confidence when you use Manipulation and Masquerade on men. Since you know you got the guy’s interest or love based on NOT behaving naturally, and NOT being yourself, you’ll never feel relaxed, or trust his love for you.
2. You never develop true power when you use Manipulation and Masquerade on men. Since you know you used artificial techniques to get a man interested in you, you are DEPENDENT on those techniques to keep him. You can never feel truly powerful when you’re DEPENDENT on something outside yourself.
3. There is a secret formula all men recognize hidden in THE OLD RULES:
M + M = B
This stands for:
Manipulation + Masquerade = BITCH
That’s right, the B word. There’s no other way to say it. It’s a slang term, but we all know what it means.
Try this experiment: Ask any man to read the following description of a woman, and summarize her in one word:
A woman who plays games, acts hard to get, pretends she’s not interested, wants you to be vulnerable and open, but won’t be vulnerable and open with you, acts like she doesn’t need you, judges you by the gifts you give her, makes you pay for everything, and is inconsiderate of your schedule.
I’ll bet you that nine out of ten men say: “That’s easy—she’s a bitch!”
It’s that simple. We can make it sound nicer with more intellectual words, but the bottom line is still the same—following THE OLD RULES, no matter how good your intentions might be, will most likely make you appear to be a bitch to men. The only men who would find that kind of woman appealing are men you definitely don’t want in your life.
What’s the alternative?
THE REAL RULES!!
Part 2 THE REAL RULES FOR FINDING THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP (#)
REAL RULE #1: Treat Men the Way You Want Them to Treat You (#)
REAL RULE #1 is the heart of all THE REAL RULES. It’s not just about love, but about life. Does it sound familiar? It should. Maybe you learned a version of it in Bible class when you were little, or heard it preached at your church or synagogue. Traditionally it’s called The Golden Rule: Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You. In India, it’s called the law of karma: Your good actions toward others will eventually and inevitably produce good effects in your own life; your bad actions toward others will produce undesirable effects in your own life. Or, as we say in America:
“What goes around comes around.”
However you word it, REAL RULE #1 means the same thing: Treat people (in this case men) the way you would like them to treat you.
• If you want a man to be considerate to you, be considerate to him.
• If you want a man to be honest with you, be honest with him.
• If you want a man to be respectful of you, be respectful of him.
• If you want a man to open up to you, open up to him.
Of course, the flip side of REAL RULE #1 is: DON’T TREAT A MAN THE WAY YOU DON’T WANT HIM TO TREAT YOU.
• If you don’t want a man to play games with you, don’t play games with him.
• If you don’t want a man to manipulate you, don’t manipulate him.
• If you don’t want a man to be cold to you, don’t be cold to him.
• If you don’t want a man to share who he really is with you, don’t share who you really are with him … Get the point … ?
REAL RULE #1 is based on the belief that, from a cosmic or spiritual point of view, all beings are created equal and have equal value—men aren’t more valuable or superior to women, and women aren’t more valuable or superior to men. Therefore, men should be treated with the same courtesy and respect you’d like them to show you. It’s common sense.
If you’re a woman who wants equal pay for your work, equal rights in society, and equal opportunities in your life, how can you offer men anything less than equality in a relationship? You can’t have it both ways. You can’t say “I think my boyfriend and I are equal, but I think he should bear the burden of making all the moves in the relationship and be the only one who faces rejection.” That’s just plain selfish, and it’s not playing by THE REAL RULES.
Even if you forget all of the other REAL RULES, when in doubt, go back to REAL RULE #1, and you’ll probably make the right decision about how to act or what to say in a relationship. That’s because your decision will be based on respect and fairness.
What about the OLD RULES idea that the natural order of life is for men to pursue women, that men are like animals that love the chase, and that we have to treat them as such, making ourselves unavailable, making it impossible for them to know how we are feeling? This is disrespectful, demeaning garbage. Saying men love to fight and go to war because they love a challenge, and therefore, you should make his conquest of you as difficult as possible is just as stupid as saying that women love to clean toilets and scrub floors, and that it’s the natural order of things for us to be second-class citizens. Yes, it is true that men have been conditioned throughout history to play the role of the hunter, but that doesn’t mean you have to indulge them in it now by acting like fleeing prey! Why bring out the worst in a man on purpose?
How would you like it if your boss told you he was never going to promote you because you were a woman, and just weren’t as capable as men? How would you like it if you were trying to get a scholarship to attend graduate school and your advisor gave the scholarship to a guy, claiming that women weren’t as smart as men? You’d be outraged, wouldn’t you? Is that attitude any worse than thinking men should be treated with different rules in relationships than apply to you?
REAL RULE #1 says that the simple test for any rule you’re thinking of using as a guideline in a relationship is this: REVERSE IT, making it the man’s rule about his treatment of you, and see if it still seems fair.
For instance, an OLD RULE is: “Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls.” Now, reverse it, and imagine it’s his rule: “Don’t Call Her and Rarely Return Her Calls.” Does this sound like the kind of guy you’d want to get involved with? I don’t think so …
Let’s try another one: “Don’t Talk to a Man First.” Okay, switch it: “Don’t Talk to a Woman First.” Imagine how thrilling your love life would be if you walked into a party, and knew that all the men were following this rule, and you were going to have to make every move if you even wanted to have a conversation.
I think you get my point. REAL RULE #1 reminds you that for a rule to be valid, it has to be fair. If, on the other hand, you, like many OLD RULES women, have one set of rules for how you get to treat a man, but another set of rules for how he has to treat you, you’re cheating.
So when in doubt, refer to REAL RULE #1. For example, a friend just gave you two tickets to a hot concert, and you’re wondering whether to invite a guy you’ve just started dating. Use the REAL RULE: Would you have liked it if he invited you to a concert? Yes? Well, then go for it. Or let’s say you’re on a date with a man you really like, and you’re having a great time. Should you say anything? Use the REAL RULE: Would you like it if he told you he was having a good time? Yes? So go ahead.
What’s the worst thing that can happen in these situations? You exhibit some kindness, some caring, some enthusiasm, and it isn’t returned … SO WHAT!!!! Even if the relationship goes nowhere, you didn’t lose anything. Whenever you share your goodness, your passion for life, and your heart, you always end up winning, because what you put out into the Universe will come back to you.
REAL RULE #2: Remember That Men Need as Much Love and Reassurance as You Do (#)
Before we start getting into the more specific REAL RULES, you need to understand REAL RULE #2. This REAL RULE is not so much a behavior as an attitude you have about men when you follow THE REAL RULES. Most important, it’s an attitude that you should carry with you into all of your interactions with men. Men will pick up on this attitude, conclude that you understand them, and be much more apt to open their hearts to you.
I’ve spent over twenty years of my life studying men, giving seminars to men, answering thousands of letters from men, talking to women about men and to men about themselves. I’m here to tell you that, contrary to popular belief, men are just as sensitive as women, and need just as much love and reassurance as we do. This is REAL RULE #2. Every man you’ll ever meet will fall into one of three categories:
Category One—Men you don’t want. There are men who have serious problems in the areas of commitment, intimacy, and integrity. They’re just not ready for a relationship with anyone. These poor guys need a lot of work, though they would probably disagree with that assessment! By the way, these are usually the very men who respond to OLD RULES chase games. (See REAL RULE #3)
Category Two—Perfect, enlightened men with no emotional baggage, no insecurities, and fully developed psychic abilities which allow them to know and fulfill your needs at all times. Needless to say, there is no one in this category, except for a handful of swamis, priests, and monks, and they aren’t available.
Category Three—Men who want a loving,.committed relationship, but just like you, are secretly scared of rejection, afraid of getting hurt, and therefore, need love and encouragement.
It should be obvious that Category One Men are to be avoided like the plague (See REAL RULES #8–13). Category Two men aren’t an option! That means the majority of the men you’ll meet will belong to Category Three.
Here’s the secret truth about Category Three men: they’re not that different from you or any other woman in one significant way—they feel as deeply, and again, they need as much love and reassurance as you do. They may not admit this up front; they may not even admit it after you’re married. But believe me, it’s true. In their hearts, men need to feel loved, to feel special, to feel safe, and to feel they are doing a good job in life and in relationships.
You know how your mind fills you with all kinds of fears when you’re considering letting a man know you’re interested? Men feel the same way when they’re considering approaching you. You know how nervous you feel before a date with a new guy you really like? Men feel the same way before a date with you. In fact, they feel worse, because according to the OLD RULES, it’s the man’s responsibility to make the first move, request the date, make the plans, reach out for affection, all the way down the line to proposing marriage. Think about it—one situation after another where he’s setting himself up for potential rejection.
Here’s a chart to help you understand more about REAL RULE #2:
Let me ask you a question: When do you feel safe to really open up? For most women, the answer is: “When I feel really loved.” Guess what … the same REAL RULE is true for men. The more you love and appreciate a good man, the safer he’s going to feel, and the more he’ll open up to loving you.
Applying Real Rule #2 means never forgetting that inside of every incredibly desirable man you’re dying to get close to is a scared little boy who has the same fear of rejection that you have. Don’t underestimate the power you have to hurt him, whether by acting cold, poking fun at something he said, or making a sarcastic remark about something he didn’t do well. He may never talk about it, but believe me, he’ll remember it.
So instead of walking around feeling so intimidated by men, start to practice looking at them with different, more sensitive eyes, recognizing that they need your love just as much as you need theirs. You’ll feel a lot more relaxed and spontaneous around men when you remember REAL RULE #2. Believe me, the more you show a guy that you’re not stereotyping him as a “typical,” shut down, emotionally backward male, the sooner he’ll open up and reach out to make you a part of his life.
REAL RULE #3: Stay Away From Men Who Don’t Like THE REAL RULES (#)
What’s one of the biggest problems you have in the beginning of any relationship?—How to tell whether or not you’re with the wrong man before things get too serious. How many times have you gotten involved with a guy, maybe even slept with him, only to find out three or six or nine months later that he was not the kind of person you wanted to be with, and that in fact, you didn’t even like or respect him?!!!
Here’s one of the greatest benefits of using THE REAL RULES—when you put THE REAL RULES into practice, the wrong men will automatically eliminate themselves from your life. Why? Because THE REAL RULES will make the wrong men uncomfortable!!
THE REAL RULES are like a “healthy man detector.” Guys who are good for you will love THE REAL RULES. Guys with unhealthy love habits will hate THE REAL RULES.
Let’s face it—there are some men out there who do fit the OLD RULES stereotype. They’re the kind of guys that call women they hardly know “hon,” “babe,” and “doll.” They think women should be “protected” from having too many responsibilities in life. They believe in the “boys will be boys” mentality—in other words, they expect to do what they want to without your feedback. They may act like you’re their princess, but there’s no doubt in their minds that they’re the king.
These men will love chasing you. It makes them feel successful, potent, manly. The pursuit and capture feeds into their unfulfilled need to feel powerful. Therefore, they like women who are coy, manipulative, and withholding, because they get excited by the challenge of conquering you. When you finally submit, they’ve won, and in spite of the sparkling ring on your finger, you’ve lost. Why? OLD RULES MEN don’t want a real woman—they want a trophy, a possession, a prize.
OLD RULES MEN:
