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‘But…’ began Mickey Thompson, again.
‘We can collect my dog on the way,’ said Howard. ‘The road to the
passes right by my house.’
‘Allen!’ cheered the mice.
‘Allen,’ agreed Howard. ‘He’ll enjoy the walk, and Mr Bullerton need never know.’
So the Clumsies nestled back down in the bag, Howard hoisted it over his shoulder and, collecting Allen on the way, they set off up the road past offices and shops and a fence and a park and a wall and some houses and trees, and eventually they arrived at the
.
Howard stopped.
‘Now listen,’ he said. ‘Best behaviour, understand?’
There was no reply.
‘Do you understand me?’ he said.
There was still no reply so Howard put the bag down and peered inside. Mickey Thompson and Purvis
‘Well?’ said Howard.
‘What?’ they said.
‘Did you hear what I said?’ said Howard.
‘No,’ they said.
‘There’s a lot of traffic and birds and things,’ said Purvis.
‘I was saying,’ said Howard, ‘you’re to be on your best behaviour.’
‘PARDON?’
shouted Mickey Thompson.
Howard ignored him. ‘I don’t want any… you know… incidents.’
‘Of course not, Howard,’ said the mice.
‘And no mess,’ said Howard. ‘Absolutely none.’
‘No, Howard,’ said the mice.
‘And I’m including Ortrud in this,’ said Howard, firmly. ‘Does she understand?’ There was a loud snore from inside the bag.
‘She’s sleeping, Howard,’ said Purvis. ‘We’ll explain it to her later.’
‘Make sure you do,’ said Howard. ‘Now, Allen had better wait out here,’ he said, settling Allen in a comfortable spot. ‘We won’t be long.’
He hoisted the bag up again, trudged into the
and
backwards as a woman
past on a small silver scooter, narrowly missing him.
‘Oof,’ he said.
shouted the woman. ‘WATCH YOURSELF, LADDIE!’ She skidded to a halt and dismounted. ‘They’re not allowed to ride them in the corridors so I’ve confiscated it, temporarily,’ she said, tapping the scooter. ‘But I couldn’t resist a little go; they are my corridors, after all.’
‘Are they?’ said Howard, sounding surprised.
‘In a manner of speaking,’ said the woman. ‘I am the
Headmistress of this establishment: JB Undercracker, at your service.’ She clicked her heels and thrust out a hand, so Howard shook it.
‘Right,’ said JB Undercracker, briskly. ‘Who are you and what do you want?’
‘I’ve come with a message,’ said Howard.
‘Oh yes?’ said JB Undercracker.
‘Actually, several,’ said Howard.
‘Oh yes?’ said JB Undercracker.
‘Actually one, but it’s got several parts,’ said Howard.
JB Undercracker narrowed her eyes.
‘Spill,’ she said.
‘Sorry?’ said Howard.
‘The beans, sonny,’ said JB Undercracker. ‘Spill ’em.’
‘Right,’ said Howard. ‘Well, it’s Mr Bullerton…’
‘Delighted to meet you, Mr
Bullerton,’ said JB Undercracker.
‘No, no,’ said Howard. ‘I…’
‘We are making good progress, aren’t we?’ she said. ‘And now we’ve established the who you are part of the equation, let’s tackle the what do you want. To what do we owe the pleasure?’
Howard mopped his brow.
‘It’s about your
he said.
‘AAGGH!’ she
, and Howard jumped. ‘We’re so excited. The children have been preparing for WEEKS.’
‘That’s good,’ said Howard, ‘because he, Mr Bullerton I mean, the real one, not me, is going to be St Apricot’s Guest of Honour.’
‘Super. Now look at this,’ said JB Undercracker, fiddling with the scooter. ‘It’s got a very interesting mechanism.’
‘Err, yes,’ said Howard. ‘So as I was saying, he’s importantly making some time for a speech and, and prizes and… busy schedule…’
‘I’ve always wondered how these things worked,’ said JB Undercracker, spinning the wheel.
‘That was parts one and two of the message,’ said Howard, pressing on, ‘and part three was to tell you you’re lucky.’
‘Aren’t we just,’ said JB Undercracker, beaming. ‘Is that everything?’
‘I think so,’ said Howard.
‘No, it isn’t,’ hissed Purvis, from inside the bag. ‘You’ve forgotten the plinths, cordials etc.’
‘OH, YES!’
shouted Howard, ‘I nearly forgot. We’ll be needing some plinths and cordials.’
‘Plinths?’ said JB Undercracker.
‘And cordials,’ nodded Howard.
‘Etc,’ hissed Purvis.
hissed Howard, hurriedly stuffing the bag behind his back. JB Undercracker gave him a funny look.
‘There might be a bottle of orange squash in the kitchen,’ she said. ‘Would that be of any use?’
‘It’s a start,’ said Howard.
‘Or I’ll tell you what, how about a nice cup of tea instead? You look as though you could do with one.’
‘Yes please,’ croaked Howard.
‘Good man,’ said JB Undercracker, slapping him on the back. ‘Leave the bag in my office and come with me.’
‘I’d prefer to keep hold of it, thank you,’ said Howard.
‘Nonsense,’ said JB Undercracker. ‘It’s far too big. What’s in it?’
‘NOTHING,’
shouted Howard. ‘Nothing at all.’
‘Well in that case you won’t be needing it, will you?’ she said, wrestling it from him, and flinging it into a nearby room. ‘Come along, Mr Bullerton.’ She climbed onto the scooter and shot off up the corridor, with Howard trotting worriedly behind.
said the mice, and
went Ortrud, as the big bag landed with a bump on the floor of JB Undercracker’s office.
Mickey Thompson heaved a disappointed-sounding sigh.
‘What’s the matter?’ asked Purvis.
‘Well, if they’ve gone for a cup of tea they’ll probably be having a biscuit or something, won’t they?’ he said.
‘Possibly,’ said Purvis.
‘Or a slice of cake.’
‘You never know,’ said Purvis.
‘Or a little sandwich, even.’
‘Your point being?’ said Purvis.
‘We won’t get any,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘And we didn’t have any breakfast. And I’m hungry.’
went Ortrud.
‘Me too, now you mention it,’ said Purvis. ‘Let’s have a look around: maybe JB Undercracker’s got a biscuit tin.’
So they all climbed out of the bag and had a look around. They searched through the cupboards, rummaged amongst the bookshelves, explored under the desk and checked behind each and every one of JB Undercracker’s nick-knacks, photographs and certificates, but there was no biscuit tin.
‘Bother,’ said Mickey Thompson.
‘Oh well, I don’t suppose Howard will be much longer,’ said Purvis. ‘We can ask him to take us all for a café lunch before we go back to the office.’
‘But I need something now,’ groaned Mickey Thompson, clutching his tummy. ‘I’m feeling dreadfully faint.’ He staggered dramatically and collapsed against a nearby vase.
‘CAREFUL!’ shouted Purvis, as it toppled.
trumpeted Ortrud in alarm as it
loudly onto the floor.
