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‘Did you know,’ said Howard, ‘the Armitage Museum was founded by my great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother’s second cousin once removed, Miss Hortence-Howardenia Armitage?’
said Mickey Thompson. ‘You told us.’
‘The Armitage Museum,’ continued Howard, ‘contains Armitage-related memorabilia from around the world, including 392 photocopies of the birth, marriage and death certificates of Armitages past, and 64 newspaper cuttings.’
‘That’s
, Howard,’ said Purvis, stifling a yawn.
‘It has the
collection of… wait a minute,’ said Howard, staring at Allen and Ortrud, who had curled up and closed their eyes.
‘What’s wrong with them now?’
Howard,’ said Purvis. ‘
, shouldn’t we be getting along to check in?’
‘You’re right,’ said Howard. He picked up his bag and started
in it. ‘I’ll just find my ticket and passport and stuff and oh dear.’
‘What’s wrong?’ said Purvis.
‘I’ve just had a thought,’ said Howard.
‘Where’s he going? What’s he doing?’ said Allen, jolting upright.
‘I’ve no idea,’ said Purvis.
‘I have,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘He’s limbering up for the
, of course. Come on.’ He put down his sombrero and started to star-jump, so Allen and Ortrud joined in while Purvis watched Howard head northwards, then leftwards, grab a handful of leaflets from a leaflet display, then turn and run towards them.
‘Right,’ said Howard, arriving back, and opening a leaflet marked, “Rules and Regulations, part 17(b), appendix 5, W-Z”. ‘I need to work out what to do next.’
‘Check in next, surely?’ said Purvis.
‘They’re limbering up,’ explained Purvis. ‘For the
.’
‘I wish they wouldn’t,’ said Howard. ‘It’s distracting.’
‘That’s enough
for now, actually,’
Mickey Thompson, rolling onto his back and
flat on the floor. Allen and Ortrud rolled too and lay next to him.
‘So, Howard,’ said Purvis. ‘Is there a problem?’
‘Yes,’ said Howard. ‘I’d completely forgotten there are all sorts of rules and regulations about getting through check in and security and over to airside.’ He pointed at the double doors in the distance. Everyone looked at the doors and then at Howard.
‘What sort of rules and regulations?’ asked Purvis.
‘We’re not allowed any
said Howard.
‘That’s OK, we haven’t got any
said Purvis as Ortrud
wildly.
Howard winced, and passed Purvis the leaflet.
said Purvis, reading it out. ‘It says,
“For the purposes of these rules and regulations wildlife is defined as any unauthorised animal including hedgehogs, donkeys, tigers, snakes—”’
‘Ortrud’s in the clear!’
Mickey Thompson.
‘I haven’t finished yet,’ said Purvis. ‘“Badgers, foxes, elephants—”’
‘Whoops,’ said Mickey Thompson, as Ortrud
again even more wildly.
‘“Cows”,’ continued Purvis, ‘“wombats etc.; mice”.’
Everyone
.
‘But we’re not
said Mickey Thompson. ‘We live in Howard’s office; it’s all cosy, with biscuits.’
‘I know that and you know that,’ said Howard, ‘but the airport authorities don’t. They’ll say elephants and mice are
things and that
things are strictly against the rules. I’m not sure about Allen, either.’
Allen wagged his tail and his tongue lolled out.
‘Allen’s the least
of any of us,’ said Purvis. ‘He won’t be any trouble.’
‘Of course he won’t,’ said Howard, patting Allen’s head.
‘Nor will we,’ said Mickey Thompson,
‘Of course you w…’ began Howard and stopped, and coughed. He walked over to some seats and sat down.
‘I don’t know what I was thinking,’ he said. ‘They’re never going to let me through with a dog, two mice and an elephant.’
‘Oh dear,’ said Purvis.
‘Ah well,’ said Howard, ‘never mind. I’ve managed without a holiday for – how
is it now?’
Purvis opened his bag and took out a piece of paper covered in pencil marks. He counted them up.
‘Seven years, five months, three days,’ he said.
‘Then I can probably manage a little
,’ said Howard. ‘We’d better get back to the office.’
‘Howard!’ chorused the mice, disappointedly.
‘But our holiday, Howard,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘We were going to fly.’
‘And snorkel,’ said Purvis, ‘and go to the beach, and play golf and, and… visit the Armitage Museum.’
Howard
sadly and the mice exchanged glances then huddled together,
.
‘What’s all the
?’ said Howard.
said Purvis.
‘Go on,’
Mickey Thompson.
‘The thing is,’ said Purvis.
‘What is the thing?’ said Howard.
‘Say it,’
Mickey Thompson.
said Purvis, swallowing. ‘Would you prefer it if we didn’t come?’
Howard
his eyes.
he said. ‘Would I prefer it if you didn’t come, you say?’
The mice nodded.
‘If you didn’t have us you wouldn’t have any problems,’ said Purvis, ‘and you could still go and see your museum.’
‘Well, let me think…’ said Howard, so the mice stared at the ground and
a bit while Howard pretended to think.
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‘Howard?’ said Purvis, after a while.
‘OF COURSE I WOULDN’T PREFER IT IF YOU DIDN’T COME!’ shouted Howard,
. ‘I’ve never heard such nonsense.’
‘But—’ began Purvis.
‘But nothing,’ said Howard. ‘That settles it: one way or another I’m going on holiday and you’re all coming with me. Is that understood?’
Purvis let out a
of relief and Mickey Thompson started to star-jump again in double quick time, so everyone else joined in.
‘That’s enough jumping for now, actually,’
Howard, quite quickly.
‘We still need to work out how to get through without anyone noticing, not to mention the—’
