скачать книгу бесплатно
All of us start out in life with a strong internal value system – a sense of what’s right and wrong and what’s fair and what’s unjust. But then life intervenes. In the cold light of reality our ideals can quickly seem naïve, unrealistic and untenable. However strong and heartfelt our intentions, it’s hard to give effect to our beliefs when we’re struggling, stressed or in emotional pain.
Before long we’ve abandoned those values in favour of the rules we’re taught by the world. Succeed, compete and accumulate. Deep down we feel conflicted, but at the end of the day we each have to get by, don’t we?
A gulf emerges between the values we choose for our personal lives and those we live by in the world at large. In our homes and families we believe in sharing and making sure everyone’s OK. But once we step outside our front door the rules change. The common good is replaced with the quest for personal success. Within seconds we dissolves into me and we’re elbowing each other out of the way in the race to get to the finishing line. Only, of course, there isn’t one – just a horizon that moves further away the closer we get.
The Nine Principles in this book have the power to heal our wounds and return us to our centre. As you learn to apply them to your life one by one, you will be taken on a journey from me to WE. Loneliness will evaporate. You will discover a sense of purpose and you will be freed – freed to live a life that is authentic, happy and meaningful.
WHY NOW? (#u1961ef4a-800b-5bda-b695-acf8d9807079)
‘Politics hates a vacuum. If it isn’t filled with hope, someone will fill it with fear.’
NAOMI KLEIN
Our current way of doing things – the ‘me culture’ – isn’t working.
The world we all share is more divided and unequal than ever.
Rates of anxiety, depression and self-harm among women are rocketing. And the hard-fought-for rights that we, as women, thought we’d finally won are once again under renewed attack.
Nearly 800 million people live in hunger and yet those with plenty battle with obesity and depression.
Every minute one woman dies needlessly in childbirth, while elsewhere in the world another woman spends thousands on cosmetic surgery because she isn’t able to feel comfortable with how she’s ageing.
Violence against women is rising, yet at the same time refuge services – especially for black and minority ethnic women – are being cut.
The gap between rich and poor is widening, causing social division and ill health,
but instead of investment and redistribution we have cuts and austerity.
Large swathes of humanity are threatened by climate change, yet our governments fear tackling it lest they offend big business and consumers.
The list goes on and on, and every one of us knows that it’s crazy and it’s wrong.
Yet instead of joining together, we often find ourselves isolated and in competition. Trying to put a positive gloss on our lives to disguise the huge gap between how things look externally and how they feel inside. Not able to lift our eyes to the horizon and deal with the bigger issues because we each already have so much on our plate.
There is a different way of doing things. One that combines our own emotional and spiritual healing with active engagement with the world around us.
Our current political systems have failed us, but it’s not possible to heal the divisions in our world without also healing the wounds which drive them. We can’t heal our broken system by sitting in judgement. Within each of us lie the seeds of intolerance and hate. If we simply declare others wrong and ourselves right we deepen the divide. But, to remain silent is also not an option – it leaves us complicit.
This path – of necessity – involves a lot of internal work but it is work that will ultimately bring us together.
WE is a movement for change, a manifesto for a female-led revolution: a quiet, peaceful about-face that doesn’t require the consent of those in power. It just asks each of us, one woman at a time, to be the change and take the journey from me to WE.
HOW WE WORKS (#u1961ef4a-800b-5bda-b695-acf8d9807079)
‘We must not wish for the disappearance of our troubles but for the grace to transform them.’
SIMONE WEIL
WE combines spirituality, politics and psychology. We’re often taught to compartmentalize them, but they are intimately connected.
Unless we work across all three disciplines, it’s impossible to achieve lasting, sustainable change. It’s not possible to get happy without getting kind, we can’t be spiritually fulfilled without rolling up our sleeves and helping others, and we can’t help others without healing ourselves.
This is not a self-help book to enable you to get more out of life or a spiritual text to encourage you to float above your difficulties. Nor is it a lecture on how to try harder! It is an intensely practical guide to healing and activism from the heart.
Each of the Nine Principles in this book can be applied to your own life and to the world at large. Their impact is cumulative. Once you’ve completed the process, you’ll have a set of tools that will enable you to handle whatever life throws your way.
Most importantly, underpinning all WE’s principles is an ancient rule that can be found in almost every ethical, spiritual and religious tradition: the Golden Rule.
At its simplest, the Golden Rule states that we should treat each other as we would like to be treated ourselves – in other words, with love. It is a simple rule that has the power to change everything.
Our goal in taking this journey isn’t individual happiness – though that comes as a welcome by-product. It is to live in a way that is true to our inner calling. A way that is kind and just. That leads to personal fulfilment and helps other women across the planet.
WHY WE WROTE WE (#ulink_f294d782-b635-5694-9b25-d92e66ce09dd)
‘History has shown us that courage can be contagious and hope can take on a life of its own.’
MICHELLE OBAMA
This book doesn’t come from lofty heights. It comes from two friends who have stumbled along together, trying, failing, crying, laughing, learning and trying again.
It is about a set of principles that led us out of darkness, from a place where both of us were in despair, into a way of life that has meaning and purpose.
We discovered the hard way that no amount of external success could fix how we felt on the inside. The more we had, the more we felt we needed to get. No matter what we achieved, it didn’t make us happy. It made us feel guilty that even with the gifts and luck we’d been given, we couldn’t seem to make life work.
In the end we’d both become dependent on a whole host of unhealthy crutches – alcohol, drugs, work, food, abusive relationships – you name it, we tried it. And at the same time we had therapy, did yoga and tried to puzzle life out.
Our crises were severe enough that we had no option but to change. To start a process of complete rebuilding. Root and branch.
We’re passionate about the Nine Principles in this book because they’ve transformed our lives. That doesn’t mean we’re happy all the time, that we handle every situation perfectly, or that we’re saints. Far from it – we are, like every one of us, perfectly imperfect. But, when we’re willing to use them, WE’s principles give us access to a peace of mind and inner freedom that we’d never even dreamed was possible.
We aren’t doctors or therapists or priests. Our principal qualification is that we handle emotional pain so badly that we’ve been forced to look for answers. For over 20 years we’ve each searched for what works. The wisdom in this book isn’t ours; it’s distilled from a myriad of teachers far wiser. We are passing it on with gratitude and in the hope that others might gain comfort and meaning from it.
When both of us started walking this path we were cynical and resistant. But now, from our own experience, we know that transformation and happiness are possible and that miracles do actually happen. Hopefully you haven’t hit as bleak a patch as we both did, but wherever your starting point, if you follow this path you will experience profound changes.
I came to the journey that is contained in this book when I was a single parent of two boys working my dream job. I was a network news correspondent who got to tell the world about the issues I cared deeply about. Then one morning I woke up and realized I couldn’t go on. I called the news desk and said I was very sorry but I couldn’t come in – not that day and, as it turned out, not ever. Unsurprisingly, my life fell apart. I was diagnosed with severe depression and burnout. I began the journey I’d been avoiding for the previous 35 years – the journey to meet myself and to find a way of living that accorded with who I really was at my deepest level. I sought help and wisdom from numerous teachers, support groups and professionals. I met friends like Gillian who were seekers also. Today I am the same person, but I am so much happier. I have meaning, I have connection, I have people that I truly love in my life. Of course, I still hit patches of pain and difficulty, but I wake up each day excited to be alive.
The journey that these Nine Principles map out doesn’t ever end. But it contains truth. Truth that I know from my own life has the power to guide us away from doubt, depression and self-hatred, and for which I’m infinitely grateful.
JN
I think I started searching for some kind of deeper meaning to my life when I was in high school, but I don’t feel like I properly put solutions into practice until I was in college. By then I had turned to so many outside sources for comfort to deal with my fear and uncertainty, my sense of loneliness, confusion and feeling misunderstood about the world and my place in it that when I started practising some of these principles the effect was dramatic and life-changing. I suddenly felt a sense of stability and grounding, personal power and purpose, and am absolutely certain that had I not had that foundation when I then achieved what turned into international career success, I would simply not have been able to deal with it. That’s not to say that I have not struggled or handled things appallingly or turned for long stretches towards unhealthy ways of coping, but what I did learn in those initial years were tools for how to handle life’s hardships better. And on a daily basis I get to choose how my life plays out. How do I deal with this rejection, this grief, this fear? With these practices in my pocket, it’s my choice.
GA
You don’t have to take our word for it. Treat this journey as if it were a scientific experiment. See what happens if you practise the principles as they are laid out. If at the end of these chapters you don’t feel better, you can always have your old life back.
The Nine Principles in this book work.
Change is possible.
There’s no need to panic or feel overwhelmed. Nothing is asked of you now, other than that you read the book and give the principles within it a try. This is not another thing to add to your to-do list. It is a gateway to an inner freedom and a peace of mind that you may not have known was possible.
You have nothing to lose but your unhappiness, and the world has everything to gain.
WE’S VISION (#ulink_af766cd3-0a58-5931-858c-af0b63a78deb)
‘Like life, peace begins with women. We are the first to forge lines of alliance and collaboration across conflict divides.’
ZAINAB SALBI
Imagine a sisterhood – across all creeds and cultures – an unspoken agreement that we, as women, will support and encourage each other. That we won’t seek to take advantage of another’s weakness, or sit in judgement of each other’s shortcomings. That we will remember we don’t know what struggles each of us may be facing elsewhere in our lives and so we’ll assume that each of us is doing our best. That we will do the work to heal ourselves so that together we can create a more compassionate world.
www.wewomeneverywhere.org (http://www.wewomeneverywhere.org)
PART 1
The Essentials (#ulink_3407ef8e-182e-5ba1-8c11-fa54f40a661b)
Getting Started (#ulink_f3c955db-1316-53e8-8d74-8a6e87eebd7e)
‘You change the world by changing yourself.’
YOKO ONO
You are at the start of a miraculous journey. The Nine Principles within these pages will change your life.
As with any expedition, before you set out you need to get prepared. The essentials in this section are vital for your well-being and will ensure you get the most out of WE’s principles.
On this journey you’ll be engaged in emotional archaeology – digging down beneath layers of hurt and protection and confronting deep emotional truths to reconnect with your true self. You’ll be dismantling the parts of yourself that no longer serve you and transforming your relationship with yourself and the world around you.
These Essential Practices will hold you steady as you do the work. The extraordinary thing about them is that they do far more than just provide you with support for the journey ahead. Each one is also a powerful agent for change in its own right.
Like the principles that follow, these practices are a distillation of what works within innumerable traditions. When they’re used together, you’ll discover that an alchemy takes place that produces astonishing changes. In fact, if all you feel ready to do right now is introduce these four healthy habits into your life, you will be amazed by the miracles that start to flow immediately.
Taking care of yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually is a profoundly political act. As women, many of us have been conditioned to be caretakers, to measure our worth by how much we do for others. But when we sublimate our own needs we risk ending up dependent on others and vulnerable on many levels as a result.
Martyrdom is for saints. Real women have needs and real giving comes from a place of plenty, not a place of lack. Self-denial only sets us up for failure.
Self-care is even more crucial if you have children. When we harm ourselves or neglect our needs we model that neglect and abuse are acceptable. If we want our daughters to think of themselves as worthy, we need to model self-worth. Similarly, if we want our sons to see women as strong, independent beings, we need to show them that is what we are.
Use the four Essential Practices that follow on a daily basis. They are the foundations for your new life and indispensable for the journey to come.
You’ll be amazed at how great you feel when you start giving yourself the care you’ve longed for from others.
WE’s exercises
This is an experiential process. Each chapter contains exercises that will integrate what your mind is learning with what your heart already knows. These exercises are not optional extras; they are essential to the journey you are on, so please don’t skip them. Knowing is not enough – you need to experience the principles for them to achieve their full transformative power.
The more diligent you are in completing the exercises, the greater the results you’ll see. It is better to do them hastily than not do them at all, so don’t let perfectionism creep in. From time to time you will need to write things down, so a notebook or journal will be useful. You may also want to ensure that you have a quiet place where you can work on them without being disturbed. This is a sacred process that deserves a sacred space.
You can return to any of the exercises and repeat them once you have finished working through the principles. Use them if you hit a bump in the path or if you’re feeling stuck. Each exercise works on an emotional, intellectual and spiritual level, so take advantage of them. You will get out of this journey what you put in.
Centre yourself before each exercise. Start by taking five deep breaths in and out, allowing your out-breath to last a beat longer than your in-breath to calm your nervous system. If you have the time and space, light a candle to signify the sacred nature of the work you’re undertaking. You’re doing it for you and for many. Try not to sit on the sidelines, figuring out how to understand the journey by intellectualising it – take the plunge, dive in and experience it!
WE’s affirmations
At the end of each chapter you will also find affirmations. These are antidotes to the toxic messages we give ourselves on a daily basis. Use them to ward off negativity, as you would use a medicine to prevent an infection. Repeat them to yourself as you go through the day, knowing that each time you say them you are gradually moving away from self-harm and towards self-care and self-love.
Essential Practice 1
GRATITUDE: (#ulink_fb0a6b68-adf9-5c80-9dd7-5b9a5b74f836)
A Mind-altering Substance
‘When we focus on our gratitude, the tide of disappointment goes out and the tide of love rushes in.’
KRISTIN ARMSTRONG
Gratitude has the power to transform everything: our perceptions, our experiences and our state of mind.
A lot of us come to this journey with a mountain of disappointments and hurts. Feeling grateful may be the last thing you want when you’re unhappy, when you’re full of all the things you haven’t got, and all the things that have gone wrong. But – however low, angry or despondent you feel – you will start to feel the benefits of gratitude as soon as you allow this tool into your life.
A warning: like many of WE’s tools, gratitude may sound simple – way too simple and perhaps not quite complex enough for our sophisticated female brains. Don’t be deceived. Remember those connect-the-dot books you had when you were little, where you joined numbered dots together and a picture emerged? This is what we do every day of our lives: we join up events and assign them meaning so that we can interpret the world.
The problem is that very often we join up the wrong dots. As we go through life, many of us notice all the things that seem to go wrong rather than the things that are going right. We focus on the times we haven’t got what we wanted, when life has disappointed us, when we may have been ignored or slighted in some way. Like fortune-tellers, who are only capable of negative conclusions, we examine the tea leaves of our life and decide that life is unfair, that we’re just not destined to be happy, that we don’t have the good luck others seem to enjoy.
Not surprisingly, if you join up these dots, you end up with a depressing picture.
But stop right there. From this moment forward you are going to try a different approach.
‘I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness – it’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practising gratitude.’
BRENÉ BROWN
EXERCISE: Daily Miracles
This exercise will begin a mind-altering process by showing you how to put the practice of gratitude into your daily life. Make yourself comfortable and close your eyes. Breathe in and out five times, as described here (#ulink_33fdf29f-f879-5da3-a5e4-76dd295036c3), until you feel centered and settled.
Take up your journal and write down ten things in your life right now that you’re grateful for. They can be as small or as big as you like. Notice if your mind leaps in and lodges an objection. It may claim that it can’t find anything at all to be thankful for, or it may want to remind you of all the disappointments, trials and losses you are experiencing.
Like a miner panning for gold, try to pick your way through the silt and mud that your mind kicks up to find the treasure that rests in its midst. Keep looking until you find something – anything at all – that you can be grateful for. Perhaps it’s that you’ve got a roof over your head or you have eyes to see your children with. Or perhaps it’s that you started your day with a warm cup of tea and have something to eat in your cupboard. The items on your list don’t need to be any more complicated than that. In fact, the most basic things are often the most powerful. Imagine what life would be like if you didn’t have them.
Your list might also include some of the simple daily events that we so often overlook because we take them for granted – yet if they were suddenly to disappear we’d be lost.
Keep writing until you’ve got ten. If you’ve got more than ten, that’s great too – you can keep writing until the flow naturally stops. Now read it back to yourself, or, for maximum effect, read it aloud and say, ‘Thank you for …’ each item on the list. It will likely feel awkward at the beginning, but the more often you do it, the easier it will get.
Gratitude lists will become a staple of your new life. We suggest writing a list daily while working through the remaining chapters. After that, it’s up to you, but it’s very possible you won’t want to stop.
