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Shut up! Too much information. Stop talking!
But then of course his mother started again.
‘Oh, Sebastian! Well, thank goodness you were there! Who knows what would have happened if you hadn’t been—it doesn’t bear thinking about, her and her little boy—’
‘Well, I was here, so it’s fine, and it’s only till the snow clears so don’t get excited.’
‘I’m not excited. I’m just concerned for her. How is she? That poor girl’s been through so much—’
‘She’s fine,’ he said shortly, and then added, ‘She’s making gingerbread decorations for the tree at the moment.’
Why? Why had he told her that? It sounded so cosy and domesticated and just plain happy families, and his mother latched onto it like a terrier.
‘Oh, how lovely! She always was a clever girl. She was so good for you—I never did understand why you let her go, but you were behaving so oddly then, I expect you just drove her away. I don’t suppose you ever talked to her, explained anything?’
He said nothing. He didn’t need to. His mother was on a roll.
‘No, of course you didn’t. You weren’t talking to anyone at that time, least of all us.’ She sighed. ‘I wish we’d told you sooner. We should have done.’
‘You should.’
His voice was harsh, and he heard her suck in her breath. ‘Well, whatever, you be nice to her. Don’t you dare hurt her again, Sebastian, she doesn’t deserve it. And—try talking to her. Tell her what was going on then, how you were feeling about the adoption and everything. How you still feel. I’m sure she’ll understand. She’s a lovely girl and it would be wonderful if you got back together. I’d love to see you happy, and that poor little boy of hers...’
He swallowed hard, pressing his lips briefly to Josh’s dark, glossy hair. ‘Well, you can put all that out of your head. It’s over. It was over years ago, and it’s just not going to happen. Look, I’ll give you a call when I know more, but in the meantime you take care and don’t let Dad overdo it shovelling snow. I know what he’s like about clearing the drive.’
‘I’ll pass it on, but I can’t guarantee he’ll listen. And I’m sorry we aren’t going to be with you, but I’m really glad Georgie is. And her little boy. You’ll have so much fun together. How old is he?’
‘Two. He’s two—well, two and a bit.’ The same age I was...
His mother sucked in a breath. ‘Oh, Sebastian! He’s going to love it! I remember your first Christmas with us—’
‘Mum, I’ve got to go. I’m expecting a call. I’ll ring you tomorrow.’
He ended the call abruptly and put the phone down, and then swivelled the chair to find Georgie standing there watching him thoughtfully.
‘What’s not going to happen?’
‘Us,’ he said shortly, and put Josh back on his feet. ‘What can I do for you?’
She could think of a million things, none of which he’d want to hear and all of them disastrous for her emotional security. ‘Nothing. I was looking for Josh and I heard him crying. What happened?’
‘He stood up under the desk. He’s fine now, aren’t you, little guy?’
Josh nodded, and she held out her hand to him. ‘Lunch is ready when you are,’ she told Sebastian. ‘Come on, Josh. Let’s go and have something to eat.’ And she left him to follow them in his own time.
* * *
Great. His mother must have heard Josh cry and asked who he was, which would have opened a whole can of worms.
She’d have to apologise for that because it was her fault, of course, for letting Josh run off like that, but she’d been busy rescuing the biscuits from the Aga and one minute he was there and the next he was gone.
Interestingly, though, it sounded as if his mother, unlike hers, wanted them back together. Well, as he’d said, it just wasn’t going to happen. It was so not going to happen! Been there, done that, and had the scars to prove it.
And so did he, and from the sound of his voice he wasn’t any more keen than she was. He’d certainly cut his mother off short when she started asking questions about Josh.
She towed him back to the kitchen and shut the door to keep him there so he didn’t cause any more havoc, and sat him down at the table. She’d made cheese and caramelised onion chutney sandwiches, a big pile of them, and there were little golden brown trees and stars cooling on a wire rack on the worktop.
There were even a few failures. Sebastian would be pleased. Or he would have been. Now, with his mother sticking her oar in and putting him on the defensive, things might not be so jolly. She sucked in a deep breath when she heard the door open and forced herself to smile.
‘You got lucky,’ she told him. ‘Some of the gingerbread trees were cracked so we can’t use them for decorations. And I found some packets of stock cubes which would make perfect tree ornaments if I wrapped them up. Can you spare them for a few days?’
‘Probably. You could take some out just in case we need them, but no, that’s fine, go for it.’ And dropping into a chair, he picked up a sandwich and bit into it. ‘Nice bread.’
She raised an eyebrow at him. ‘Well, don’t look at me, I just raided the kitchen. It was entirely your PA’s choice. I suggest you give her a substantial bonus.’
‘I already did.’
She laughed and shook her head, then put the kettle on again to make tea and sat down opposite him. ‘I’m sorry I let Josh give me the slip. It must have been—awkward with your mother.’
He rolled his eyes. ‘You know what she’s like.’
‘I do. She loves you, though, even though you fight with her all the time. You do know that?’
‘Of course I know that.’ He frowned and pushed back his chair. ‘Look, I’ve got work to do, so I might just take a pile of sandwiches and disappear into my study. I’ll see you later.’
Oh, great, she’d driven him out. It wasn’t hard. All she had to do was mention his mother and it was enough to send him running. She felt her shoulders drop as he left the room, and let out a long, slow breath.
They’d agreed to spend Christmas together and ignore the past for Josh’s sake, but the past just kept getting in the way, one way or the other, and tainting the atmosphere, as if it was determined to have its say.
She looked out of the window, but the snow was still there, and it was even snowing again lightly, just tiny bits of dust in the air. Was it ever going to thaw so they could escape?
Not nearly soon enough. She cleared the table, gave it a wipe and smiled at her son.
‘Are you going to help me ice the decorations for the tree?’ she asked, but he was more interested in eating them, so she gave him a pile of little bits to keep him occupied and piped white ‘snow’ onto the trees and the stars through the snipped-off corner of a sandwich bag, which seemed to work all right until it split and splodged icing on the last one.
She saved it for Sebastian and took it in to him with a cup of tea, knocking on the open door before she went in.
He didn’t seem to be working. He was sitting with his feet on the corner of the desk, his fingers linked and lying loosely on his board-flat abdomen, and he glanced at her and frowned.
‘Sorry. My mother just got to me.’
‘Don’t apologise. It was my fault for not keeping a closer eye on Josh. Here. I messed up one of the biscuits. I thought you might like it, and I’ve brought you a cup of tea.’
‘Thanks.’
He dropped his feet to the floor and sighed. ‘I wish this damn snow would clear,’ he muttered, and she gave a short laugh.
‘I don’t think there’s any chance. I think it’s got it in for us. It was snowing again a moment ago.’
‘I noticed.’ He looked around. ‘Where’s Josh?’
‘Eating broken biscuits.’
‘I thought they were mine?’
‘You walked out, Sebastian.’
‘Well, it makes a change for it to be me.’
She sucked in a breath, took a step back and turned on her heel and walked away. She got all the way to the door before she stopped and turned back.
‘I didn’t walk out,’ she reminded him. ‘You drove me out. There’s a difference. And if you had the slightest chance, you’d do it again, right now. But don’t worry. The moment the snow clears, I’ll be out of here, and you’ll never have to see me again.’
‘Wait.’
His voice stopped her in the doorway, and she heard the creak of his chair as he got up and crossed the room to her.
She could feel him behind her, just inches away, unmoving. After a moment his hands cupped her shoulders, but he still didn’t move, didn’t say anything, just stood there and held her, as if he didn’t quite know what to say or do but wanted to do something.
She turned and looked up into his eyes, and they were troubled. Hers probably were, too. Goodness knows there was enough to trouble them. She let her breath out on a long, quiet sigh, and lifted her hand and touched his cheek, making contact.
Even though he’d shaved that morning she could feel the tantalising rasp of stubble against her palm, and under her fingers his jaw clenched, the muscle twitching.
‘I’m sorry,’ he murmured. ‘I know it wasn’t just you. I know I wasn’t easy to live with. I’m not. But—we have to do Christmas for Josh, and I really want to do it right, and I know I said we wouldn’t talk about it and I just broke the rule. Can we start again?’
She dropped her hand. ‘Start what again?’
He was silent for long moments, then his mouth flickered into a smile filled with remorse and tenderness and pain. ‘Christmas. Nothing else. I know you don’t want more than that.’
Didn’t she? Suddenly she wasn’t so sure, but then it wasn’t what he was offering, so she nodded and stepped back a little and tried to smile.
‘OK. No more snide remarks, no more cheap shots, no more bickering. And maybe a bit more respect for who we are and where we are now?’
He nodded slowly. ‘Sounds good to me,’ he said gruffly, and he smiled again, that same sad smile that brought a lump to her throat and made her hurt inside.
How long they would have stood there she had no idea, but there was a crash from the kitchen and she fled, her heart in her mouth.
She found Josh on the floor looking stunned, a biscuit in his hand, the wire rack teetering on the edge of the worktop and a chair lying on its side, and guilt flooded her yet again.
‘Is he all right?’
‘I think so.’ She gathered him up, and he clung to her like a little monkey, arms and legs wrapping round her as he burrowed into her shoulder and sobbed. ‘I think he’s probably just frightened himself.’
And her. And Sebastian, judging by the look on his face.
He reached out a hand and laid it gently on Josh’s back. ‘Are you OK, little guy? You’re really in the wars today, aren’t you?’
‘I’ve told him so many times not to climb on chairs.’
‘He’s a boy. They climb. I was covered in bruises from falling off or out of things until I was about seventeen. Then I started driving.’
She gave him a dry look. ‘Thanks. It’s really good to know what’s in store.’
He smiled at her over her son’s head, and this time it was a real smile. His soft chuckle filled the kitchen, warming her, and she sat down on the righted chair and hugged Josh and examined him for bumps and bruises and odd-shaped limbs.
Just a fright, she concluded, and a little egg on the side of his head, but that could have been from standing up under the desk.
‘Tea?’ Sebastian offered, and she nodded.
‘Tea sounds like a good idea. Thank you.’
‘Universal panacea, isn’t it? When all else fails, make tea.’
He put the kettle on and went back to his study to bring his mug and the uneaten biscuit, pausing for a moment to take a few deep breaths and slow his heart rate. He’d had no idea what they’d find, and the relief that Josh seemed to be OK was enormous.
Crazily enormous. Hell, the little kid was getting right under his skin—
He strode briskly back to the kitchen, stood his mug on the side of the Aga so it didn’t cool any more and made her a fresh mug.
‘How is he?’
‘He’s fine, aren’t you, Josh? It’s probably time he had a nap. I usually put him down after lunch for a little while. I might go up with him and read for a bit while he sleeps.’
He frowned as he analysed an unfamiliar emotion. Disappointment? Really? What was the matter with him?
‘Good idea. I’ll get on with my work, and then we’ll decorate the tree later.’
* * *
‘Mistletoe?’
He’d cut mistletoe, of all the things! Like that was really going to help—
‘I know, I know,’ he sighed shortly, ‘but it is Christmassy, and everything else was out of reach or too tough, and I could cut it with scissors, and I have no idea where the secateurs might be. I made sure it didn’t have berries on, either, in case Josh should try and eat them, because they’re poisonous. But there is one bit of holly—for the Christmas pudding.’
She tipped her head on one side and eyed him in disbelief, trying not to laugh. ‘The Christmas pudding?’
‘Absolutely. You have to have a bit of holly on fire in the middle of the Christmas pudding when it’s brought to the table. It’s the law.’
She suppressed a splutter of laughter. ‘Is that the same law that says that lights must be white? My, aren’t we traditional?’ she teased, but he just folded his arms and quirked a brow.
‘Absolutely. Christmas is Christmas. It has to be done properly. Have you got a problem with that?’
She smiled slowly. ‘Do you know what? You’ve got a good heart, Sebastian Corder, for all you’re as prickly as a hedgehog. And no, I don’t have a problem with that. Not at all.’
He cleared his throat. ‘Good. Right. So, what’s next?’ he asked, avoiding her eyes and fluffing up his prickles.
Still smiling, she handed him the boxes of stock cubes and a few other little things she’d found that could be wrapped, and they sat down at the table, gave Josh a piece of paper and a pencil to do a drawing, and made little parcels for the tree.
