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“We’ve done just fine, thank you.”
Jonas stared hard at her—dismissive. Her tone, her body language…it was all dismissive. He wasn’t wanted or required here. God, he wasn’t really wanted or required anywhere anymore. In a world of doers, he was now redundant. What had once been his purpose was gone. And he’d never thought about what he’d do when it was over. He’d always thought he’d keep doing what he was doing until he died on some battlefield. He certainly hadn’t expected to come home with a gimp leg, leaving him good for next to nothing.
He saw the talent in the next wave of elite soldiers and hated that he wasn’t one of them anymore. Put out to pasture at the ripe old age of twenty-eight. It didn’t seem fair. He’d lost his career, and now he discovered he’d lost a family he hadn’t even known he had.
“I want to see her.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
His eyes blazed. “Shannyn, you can’t keep me from my own daughter.”
“I’ll do what I have to, to keep her safe and happy.”
“And you think I’d threaten that?”
“She doesn’t need a temporary dad who’ll leave once he satisfies his curiosity.”
That was what she thought of him, then. It showed how little she knew. How far apart they were.
“Look at me,” he whispered stridently. “Does it look like I’m going anywhere? You’ve seen my file, right? Active duty is a long shot at best, out of my realm of possibility, more likely, according to the doctors.”
He stepped closer, close enough that she had to tilt her neck sharply to look into his eyes. Her chest rose and fell rapidly, so close he could almost feel it against his. His gaze fell to her lips, and they opened slightly. How he could despise her so much right now and still want to kiss her was beyond him.
“I’m obviously not in danger anymore. So tell me, Shannyn. What is it you’re really afraid of?”
CHAPTER FOUR
SHANNYN took a step back. “You’re invading my personal space.”
Jonas laughed, a brittle sound as he stared at her with accusation in his eyes. “I beg your pardon.” He affected a small bow, mocking her, and put more distance between them.
“You can’t keep me from my daughter anymore,” he argued firmly. “And you know it.”
Shannyn’s heart sank. He was right. Now that he knew about Emma, she had no right to keep him from her. Legally she had no reason to deny him visitation. All she had were her own reservations, which would matter very little in the overall scheme of things if he pressed his case. She decided to appeal to whatever sense of fatherly concern he might possess.
“I don’t want her upset.”
He put his hand into his trousers pocket and tilted his head, watching her closely. “Neither do I. I’m willing to let you name the terms of how we do this. Within reason.”
“You are?” It was the last thing she’d expected from him and she couldn’t keep the surprise from her voice.
“You can tell her about me by yourself, if you wish. And we’ll meet wherever you think she’ll be most comfortable.” He balanced his weight on one leg and smiled thinly, a smile that seemed forced and manufactured for the moment.
“Thank you,” Shannyn breathed with relief.
“I don’t have any desire to traumatize her, Shannyn.” His jaw softened slightly. “I’m not in the habit of terrorizing children.”
“Of course not.” She dropped her eyes. After the initial blowout, he was suddenly being remarkably reasonable. Appealing to him from Emma’s point of view had been the right course. He was exerting his rights, but at least he wasn’t blind to how this would affect Emma.
“You have the weekend.” He straightened, putting his weight equally on his feet once more. “I’ll be in touch Monday, and we’ll talk then about how to move forward.”
She met his gaze again and clenched her fingers. He was making it sound like a business transaction, or an assignment.
“For someone who says I can handle this how I want, you’re being awfully dictatorial. It’s not some battle plan you’ve concocted.”
“I just want to make sure you don’t drag this out. It’s been six years. I think I have a right to have doubts about your…expediency.”
Shannyn felt as if they were right back to the beginning of the argument again, and she didn’t want to rehash everything that had been said—and unsaid.
“Fine. But just so you know,” she lifted her chin, “bossing me around really isn’t going to help your case any.”
Jonas stared down into her eyes, and she struggled not to feel intimidated. In front of her now was a man accustomed to getting what he wanted. One who gave orders and had them followed. One way or another. But she was going to do this on her terms. It didn’t matter what it took, she’d go toe-to-toe with him, for Emma’s sake. Protecting herself right now came second to making sure Emma remained unhurt through everything.
She got the feeling the battle was going to be draining. In more ways than one.
“The weekend, Shannyn.” The words were softly spoken, but she was left in no doubt of the ultimatum they contained. “I’ll be in touch on Monday.”
He spun on his heel and walked away, his gait lopsided from his injury.
Shannyn went back to the bench and sat down heavily. How on earth was she going to find the words to tell her baby that she had a daddy after all?
She chose the backyard because that was the place Emma was most comfortable and happy. They didn’t have a huge yard, but what they did have was lush with green grass and a perfect place to play. A white fence separated them from the neighbours, and in one corner Shannyn had put a small flower bed and herb garden, as well as Emma’s outdoor toys.
Today Shannyn felt the need to be outside in the fresh air, not cooped up in a room where she found it hard to breathe. Every time she thought of what she’d say to Emma, her heart faltered. In her mind she’d gone over and over the questions Emma might have, and how she’d answer them so a five-year-old would understand. She’d thought about it so much that here it was Sunday afternoon and still she hadn’t done it.
But Jonas would call tomorrow. She was sure of it. And if she hadn’t told Emma by the time he did, she knew Jonas would make things very difficult.
“Honey, you want a Popsicle?” Shannyn called out to Emma who was pumping her legs and swinging on the secondhand swing set Shannyn had bought at a yard sale last spring.
“Okay.” The legs stopped pumping, and the swing slowed until Emma popped off and landed on the grass.
It felt more like August than June today. Mellow warmth soaked through Shannyn’s T-shirt and heated her legs. It was the kind of day that made her wish she were out boating on the river, or lying on the beach at the lake. For a minute she got caught in memories of Jonas, a Jonas who was less jaded and more carefree, squidging his toes in the sand at the beach as she lay in his arms.
But reality was that she was supposed to be having a life-altering discussion with her baby, who wasn’t so much of a baby anymore.
She handed over the Popsicle and patted the seat of the picnic table.
Emma hopped up and Shannyn smiled down on her dark head as she licked the Popsicle. Everything she’d done in these past years had been for Emma. To give her the kind of life every child deserved. One filled with love and fun and, most of all, stability. Different from the one she’d had. Her number-one priority had been to protect Emma. To do what she thought was best. Now she had to undo everything with a simple conversation. Turn her little girl’s life upside down.
How did she even begin?
She hadn’t said anything at all until Emma started preschool and began noticing her friends had mommies and daddies. Or that they lived with their mommy and saw their daddies on weekends. When the question arose, she had given Emma the short version. That her daddy didn’t know that she was born and that Shannyn didn’t know where he was right now. And then she’d reinforced how happy and good their life was. It had never been her intention that Emma would find her life lacking in any way. And Emma had accepted her answers like any young child would. With trust.
How could she now explain that her father was here and wanted to see her? In her heart, Shannyn knew he would leave again. Maybe not next week or next month, but eventually he would leave and Emma would be fatherless again. How was that fair? She put her hand on Emma’s curls, feeling the warmth radiating from her scalp. Every single decision she had made had been to protect Emma from upheaval.
“Mama? Can I play on the slide now?”
Shannyn looked into her daughter’s eyes. They were so like Jonas’s and since she’d seen him again they seemed even more so. Being with him, even through their arguments, only served to remind her how much she’d invested in him so long ago. And how much she’d invested in their daughter in the years since.
In the end she couldn’t give the words voice. “Yes, you go play, honey.” She took the empty Popsicle stick from Emma’s sticky hands and kissed her cheek. Emma went back to playing, and Shannyn watched from the table. And for the first time since she’d found out she was pregnant, she really had no idea what she was going to do.
“What time’s your lunch?”
Shannyn knew the voice even though the words were clipped and economical. He didn’t waste any time. Nine-fifteen and he was calling already.
“I get a break from twelve until one.”
“Meet me at the lighthouse at noon.”
“But, Jonas, I…”
She heard loud noises slamming in the background as he cut her off. “I’ve got to go now, but twelve o’clock at the lighthouse.” Shannyn heard a voice shout in the background before the line went dead.
Her hands trembled, not with fear but with anger. He said he was going to let her handle this, but all he did was make demands left and right. When to tell Emma. When to meet. She should ignore his latest order and stay right where she was. But that meant he might come to the office and confront her there, and a public scene was unacceptable for their clients. Damn him for putting her in such a position.
He was expecting her to tell him that Emma knew about him and plan the next step. It would have been easier to tell him over the phone rather than face-to-face. There was no way she could explain it so that he would understand, but she was going to have to try.
She was waiting outside the white-and-red structure, looking over the water when he stepped up behind her.
“We’re in for some showers.”
She turned and caught her breath.
He was wearing his trousers but his shirt was missing and he stood before her in an Army-issue T-shirt. And, oh, he filled out every cotton inch. Flat where everything should be flat, a wide chest and broad shoulders that led to arms with muscles that dipped and curved. His boots gave his six-foot-plus frame even more height. His size made him more attractive to her, not less. She wished she didn’t find him attractive at all. All that lean fitness, paired with his handsome, if uncompromising, face, was a tempting combination. Not tempting enough to make her forget how he’d hurt her, though. Thankfully his interest at the moment was focused on Emma and not her. One complication was enough.
She swallowed, chilled by the sudden puff of cool air preceding the dark cloud coming down the river. Goose bumps shivered up her arms and she folded them around herself as thunder rumbled low, still miles away. Even though the sky directly above was blue, the water seemed discolored and white caps dotted the surface.
“Yes, it looks that way,” she managed to reply.
He held out a brown paper bag. “I know I hijacked your lunch break, so I grabbed something on the way.”
Shannyn stared at the bag, recognizing the familiar logo. “You didn’t.”
A smile crept up his face and she realized it was the first time he’d really smiled at her, a smile that connected. It moved from his lips and thawed the ice in his eyes as he admitted, “Of course I did. You can’t get a hamburger like this overseas, heck, not even in Edmonton. And I brought lots of napkins.” He held out his other hand, revealing the white stack.
He led her up the steps to one of the benches that lined the perimeter of the lighthouse, then reached into the bag and handed her the foil-wrapped sandwich. “I got extra cheese on yours.”
Shannyn smiled back, secretly pleased that he remembered another one of her favorites. She hadn’t had one in ages. Sliding the foil pocket back slightly, she took her first bite and sighed in appreciation at the juicy beef and tang of the condiments.
“Mmm.” She let the sound vibrate through her lips as she swallowed and put the sandwich down on her lap. “I haven’t had one of these in a long time.”
“We used to eat a lot of them, way back when.”
She used her napkin to dab at her lips; it was a tasty but messy business. She wrinkled her eyebrows. She was surprised he’d made such a casual reference to their past after the resentful tone of their last meeting. For a brief moment as their eyes caught and held, she got that tumbling in her stomach, a lifting and turning that she’d almost forgotten. Perhaps it was brought on by nostalgia of what had been, but not completely. Part of it was a pull to the man beside her now. Tall and strong and more than a little enigmatic. A man who made her wonder what was simmering underneath.
“Yes, we did,” she responded, the words coming out slightly breathy.
“It was a good summer.”
That summer had changed her life. And not just because she’d gotten pregnant. But because it was the first—and only—time she’d been in love.
They’d met through mutual friends at an outdoor concert in Officers’ Square. Right away she’d been attracted to the lean, dark-haired boy who seemed to have so much energy.
They’d started dating, and things had progressed rapidly. It had been a whirlwind, magical.
But the young man who had captivated her heart and enjoyed life to the full and made her laugh, was gone. She supposed they’d both grown up. But his smile and the brief memory took her back. Made her wonder what it would take to bring that smile back again.
She watched him as they ate for a few minutes in silence. He was more relaxed right now. Perhaps it would be a good time to get some answers to her questions. And not just for Emma. For herself. She wanted to know what had happened in the years since that summer. What made him tick. When her curiosity got the better of her, she asked the question that had been plaguing her.
“What have you been doing the past six years?”
His chewing slowed. He looked away as he admitted, “I made Special Forces. I was there until nearly a year ago.”
“Where were you stationed?”
“I moved around a lot. Wherever I was needed.”
“You won’t tell me.”
He looked back at her then, and she realized the soldier was once again in control. “I can’t tell you. Sometimes I was sent with a regular Recce platoon.”
He saw her confusion and elaborated. “Reconnaissance. We’d offer support to operations, that sort of thing. Other times…” He paused, his gaze slipping from hers again. “It doesn’t matter now, anyway. Those days are gone.”
Shannyn folded her hands and watched his head turn away from her. She got the feeling it mattered a great deal. “It changed you, Jonas.”
“Being in combat changes everyone.” He still refused to look at her, instead appeared to be people watching.
She didn’t know why he felt the need to generalize everything so much. “I’m sure it does. But I’m interested in how it changed you.”
“Why?”
Ah, a question with several answers, some she’d acknowledge, some she wouldn’t. She picked the only one that was relevant. “Because you are Emma’s father.”
Whatever was left of his lunch he wrapped up and put back in the bag.
“Whatever it was I thought I knew that summer, I was wrong.”
“Wrong how?”
He balled up the bag and got up, taking a small hop on his good leg to right himself before depositing everything in the trash can. “I was full of myself and what I was going to do. I was indestructible. I thought I knew everything.” He sighed heavily. “And I really had no idea.”
“You hardened.” Shannyn held her breath waiting for his response. She could sense his stubborn withdrawal and couldn’t help but see the resemblance between him and Emma, especially now when he seemed so unhappy. His lips seemed fuller; the bow shape of his mouth so much like her daughter when she’d had a rough day at school or got overtired. He’d passed on his fair share of traits whether he knew it or not, and it drew her to him. How could she hate the man who had given her such a precious gift?
When his answer came it was not what she expected.
“I know I’ve probably seemed hard and demanding. I’m sorry. I’ve lived in a world where you give and receive orders.”
The small confession touched her. “You don’t smile anymore. Or at least not like you used to.”
