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‘O-oh, Le-eo, I-I-I-’m soooo sor-reeee. Yo-ooou twooo we-eerree soooo gree-aat togeeeeth-eeer.’
‘Yeah, well, we’re not so gree-aat together now, missy. I think he’s seeing someone else. Right. I’m going to put two shades of blonde in: a golden colour and the blonde you had before. Otherwise it’ll go that brassy colour that’s reserved for my prostitute clientele only.’
‘Oh, Leo, I’m sorry. If he has any sense at all he’ll realise what he’s missing.’
‘He mustn’t have any sense so. We split up two months ago and he hasn’t realised it yet. Or else he has and he’s delighted. I’m fed up; I’ve had enough of men. I’m just going to turn straight.’
‘Now that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard …’
Holly bounced out of the salon with delight. Without Gerry beside her, a few men looked her way, something that was alien to her and made her feel uncomfortable, so she ran to the safety of her car and prepared herself for her parents’ house. So far, today was going well. It had been a good move to visit Leo. Even in his heartbreak he worked hard to make her laugh. Holly took note of it.
She pulled up to the kerb outside her parents’ house in Portmarnock and took a deep breath. To her mother’s surprise Holly had called her first thing in the morning to arrange a time to meet up. It was three thirty now, and Holly sat outside in the car with butterflies in her tummy. Apart from the visits her parents had paid to her over the past month Holly had barely spent any proper time with her family. She didn’t want all the attention directed at her, the intrusive questions about how she was feeling and what she was going to do next being fired at her all day. However, it was time to put that fear aside. They were her family.
Her parents’ house was situated directly across the road from Portmarnock beach, the blue flag baring testament to its cleanliness. She parked the car and stared across the road to the sea. She had lived here from the day she was born till the day she moved out to live with Gerry. She had loved waking up to the sound of the sea lapping against the rocks, and the excited call of the seagulls. It was wonderful having the beach as your front garden, especially during the summer. Sharon had lived around the corner, and on the hottest days of the year the girls would venture across the road in their summer best and keep an eye out for the best-looking boys. Holly and Sharon were the complete opposite of each other: Sharon with her brown hair, fair skin, and huge bosom; Holly with her blonde hair, sallow skin, and small chest. Sharon would be loud, shouting to the boys and calling them over. Holly would just stay quiet and flirt with her eyes, fixing them on her favourite boy and not moving them till he noticed. Holly and Sharon really hadn’t changed all that much since.
She didn’t intend staying long, just have a little chat and collect the envelope. She was determined to end her silent self-torture about what could be inside. She took a deep breath, rang the doorbell and placed a smile on her face for all to see.
‘Hi, love! Come in, come in!’ said her mother with her usual welcoming, loving face that Holly just wanted to kiss every time she saw her.
‘Hi, Mum. How are you?’ Holly stepped into the house and was comforted by the familiar smell of home. ‘You on your own?’
‘Yes, your father’s out with Declan, buying paint for his room.’
‘Don’t tell me you and Dad are still paying for everything for him?’
‘Well, your father might be, but I’m certainly not. He’s working at nights now so at least he has a bit of pocket money these days. Although we don’t see a penny of it being spent on anything for here,’ she chuckled, and brought Holly to the kitchen where she put the kettle on.
Declan was Holly’s youngest brother and the baby of the family, so her mum and dad still felt they had to spoil him. But their ‘baby’ was now a twenty-two-year-old, studying film production at college and he constantly had a video camera in his hand.
‘What job has he got now?’
Her mother rolled her eyes to heaven. ‘He’s joined some band. The Orgasmic Fish, I think they call themselves, or something like that. I’m sick to death of hearing about it, Holly. If he goes on one more time about who was there at the gigs promising to sign them up and how famous they’re going to be I’ll go mad.’
‘Ah, poor Deco. Don’t worry, he’ll find something eventually.’
‘I know, and it’s funny because, of all you darling children, he’s the least I worry about. He’ll find his way.’
They brought their mugs into the sitting room and settled down in front of the television. ‘You look great, pet. I love the hair. Do you think Leo would ever do mine for me, or am I too old for his styles?’
‘Well, as long as you don’t want Jennifer Aniston’s hairstyle, you’ll have no problems.’ Holly explained about the woman in the salon and they both rolled around laughing.
‘I don’t want the Joan Collins look, so I’ll just stay clear of him.’
‘That might be wise.’
‘Any luck with a job yet?’ Her mother’s voice was casual but Holly knew she was just dying to find out.
‘No, not yet, Mum. To be honest, I haven’t even started looking. I don’t quite know what I want to do.’
‘You’re right,’ her mother nodded. ‘Take your time and think about what you like or else you’ll end up rushing into a job you hate, like the last time.’ Holly was surprised to hear this. In fact, everyone was surprising her these days. Perhaps it was herself with the problem and not the rest of the world after all.
The last job Holly had was working as a secretary for an unforgiving little slimeball in a solicitor’s office. She had been forced to leave her job when the creep failed to understand that she needed time off work to be with her dying husband. Now she had to go looking for a new one. For a new job that was. But at the moment it seemed unimaginable to go to work in the morning.
Holly and her mother sat in a relaxed atmosphere, falling in and out of conversation for a few hours until Holly finally built up the courage to ask for the envelope.
‘Oh, of course, love, I completely forgot about it. I hope it’s nothing important. It’s been there for a long time.’
‘I’ll find out soon enough.’
They said their goodbyes and Holly couldn’t get out of the house quickly enough.
Perching herself on the grass overlooking the golden sand, Holly ran the envelope over her hands. Her mother hadn’t described it very well, for it was not an envelope at all but a thick brown package. The address had been typed onto a plain sticker so she couldn’t even guess the origin. But most importantly, above the address were two words, thick and bold: ‘THE LIST’.
Her stomach did a little dance. If it wasn’t from Gerry, then Holly finally had to accept the fact that he was gone completely from her life and she had to start thinking about existing without him. But if it was from him, though she would be faced with the same future, at least she could hold on to some fresh memory. A memory that would have to last her a lifetime.
Her trembling fingers gently tore at the seal of the package. She turned it upside down and shook the contents out. Out fell ten separate tiny envelopes of the kind you would expect to find on a bouquet of flowers, each with a different month written on them. Her heart missed a few beats as she saw the familiar handwriting on a loose page underneath the pile of envelopes.
It was from Gerry.
CHAPTER FIVE
Holly held her breath and with tears in her eyes and a pounding heart, she read the words, aware all the time that the person who had sat down to write to her would never be able to do so again. She ran her fingers over Gerry’s handwriting, knowing that the last person to have touched the page was him.
My darling Holly,
I don’t know where you are or when exactly you are reading this. I just hope that my letter has found you safe and healthy. You whispered to me not long ago that you couldn’t go on alone. You can, Holly.
You are strong and brave and you can get through this. We shared some beautiful times together and you made my life … you made my life. I have no regrets.
But I am just a chapter in your life – there will be many more. Remember our wonderful memories, but please don’t be afraid to make some more.
Thank you for doing me the honour of being my wife. For everything, I am eternally grateful.
Whenever you need me, know that I am with you.
Love for ever,
Your husband and best friend,
Gerry.
PS. I promised a list, so here it is. The following envelopes must be opened exactly when labelled and must be obeyed. And remember, I’m looking out for you, so I will know …
Holly broke down, sadness sweeping over her. Yet she felt relief at the same time; relief that Gerry would somehow continue to be with her for another little while. She leafed through the small white envelopes and searched through the months. It was April now. She had missed March so she delicately picked out the envelope. She opened it slowly, wanting to savour every moment. Inside was a small card with Gerry’s handwriting on it. It read:
Save yourself the bruises and buy a bedside lamp!
PS. I love you …
Her tears turned to laughter as she realised her Gerry was back!
Holly read and reread his letter over and over again in an attempt to summon him back to life. Eventually, when she could no longer see the words through her tears, she looked out to sea. She had always found the sea so calming, and even as a child she would run across the road to the beach if she was upset and needed to think. Her parents knew that when she went missing from the house they would find her here by the sea.
She closed her eyes and breathed in and out along with the gentle sighing of the waves. It was as though the sea was taking big deep breaths; pulling the water in while it inhaled and pushing it all back up onto the sand as it exhaled. She continued to breathe along with it and felt her pulse rate slow down as she became calmer. She thought about how she used to lie by Gerry’s side during his final days and listen to the sound of his breathing. She had been terrified to leave him, even to answer the door, to fix him some food or to go to the toilet, just in case that was the time he chose to leave her. When she would return to his bedside she would sit frozen in a terrified silence while she listened for his breathing and watched his chest for any movement.
But he’d always managed to hang on. He had baffled the doctors with his strength and determination to live; Gerry wasn’t prepared to go without a fight. He kept his good humour right up until the end. He was so weak and his voice so quiet, but Holly had learned to understand his new language as a mother does her babbling child just learning to talk. They would giggle together late into the night and other nights they would hold each other and cry. Holly remained strong for him. Throughout, her new job was to be there for him whenever he needed her. Looking back on it, she knew that she really needed him more than he needed her. She needed to be needed so she could feel that she wasn’t just standing idly by, utterly helpless.
On the second of February at four o’clock in the morning, Holly held Gerry’s hand tightly and smiled at him encouragingly as he took his last breath and closed his eyes. She didn’t want him to be afraid, and she didn’t want him to feel that she was afraid, because at that moment she wasn’t. She felt relief – relief that his pain was gone, and relief that she had been there with him to witness the peace of his passing. She felt relieved to have known him, to have loved him and to be loved by him, and relief that the last thing he saw was her face smiling down on him, encouraging him and assuring him it was OK to let go.
The days after that were a blur to her now. She had occupied herself by making the funeral arrangements and by meeting and greeting Gerry’s relatives and old school friends that she hadn’t seen for years. She remained so solid and calm through it all. She was just thankful that, after months, his suffering was over. It didn’t occur to her to feel the anger or bitterness that she felt now for the life that was taken away from her. That feeling didn’t arrive until she went to collect her husband’s death certificate.
And then that feeling made a grand appearance.
As she sat in the crowded waiting room of her local health clinic, waiting for her number to be called, she wondered why on earth Gerry’s number had been called so early in his life. She was sandwiched between a young couple and an elderly one – the picture of what she and Gerry had once been, and a glimpse of the future they could have had. And it all just seemed unfair. While the noise of screaming children was amplified in the room, Holly felt squashed between the shoulders of her past and her lost future, and she felt suffocated. She shouldn’t have to be there.
None of her friends had to be there.
None of her family had to be there.
In fact the majority of the population of the world didn’t have to be in the position she was in right then.
It didn’t seem fair.
Because it just wasn’t fair.
After presenting the official proof of her husband’s death to bank managers and insurance companies, as if the look on her face wasn’t proof enough, Holly returned home to her nest and locked herself away from the rest of the world that contained hundreds of memories of the life she had once had. The life she had been very happy with. So why had she been given another one, and a far worse one at that?
That was two months ago, and she hadn’t left the house until today. And what a welcome she had been given, she thought, smiling down at the envelopes. Gerry was back.
Holly could hardly contain her excitement as she furiously dialled Sharon’s number with trembling hands. After reaching a few wrong numbers she eventually calmed herself and concentrated on dialling correctly.
‘Sharon!’ she squealed as soon as the phone was picked up. ‘You’ll never guess what. Oh my God, I can’t believe it!’
‘Eh, no … it’s John, but I’ll get her for you now.’ A worried John rushed off to get Sharon.
‘What, what, what?’ panted a very out-of-breath Sharon. ‘What’s wrong? Are you OK?’
‘Yes, I’m fine!’ Holly started giggling hysterically, not knowing whether to laugh or cry and suddenly forgetting how to structure a sentence.
John watched as Sharon sat down at her kitchen table, looking very confused while she tried with all her strength to make sense of the rambling Holly. It was something about Mrs Kennedy giving Holly a brown envelope with a bedside lamp in it. It was all very worrying.
‘STOP!’ shouted Sharon, much to Holly and John’s surprise. ‘I cannot understand a word you are saying, so please,’ Sharon spoke very slowly, ‘slow down, take a deep breath and start from the very beginning, preferably using words from the English language.’
Suddenly she heard quiet sobs from the other end.
‘Oh, Sharon,’ Holly’s words were quiet and broken, ‘he wrote me a list. Gerry wrote me a list.’
Sharon froze in her chair while she digested this information.
John watched his wife’s eyes widen and he quickly pulled out a chair and sat next to her, shoving his head towards the telephone so he could hear what was going on.
‘OK, Holly, I want you to get over here as quickly but as safely as you can.’ Sharon paused again and swatted John’s head away as if he was a fly so she could concentrate on what she had just heard. ‘This is … great news?’
John stood up from the table, insulted, and began to pace the kitchen floor, trying to guess what the news could be.
‘Oh, it is, Sharon,’ sobbed Holly, ‘it really is.’
‘OK, make your way over here now and we can talk about it.’
‘OK.’
Sharon hung up the phone and sat in silence.
‘What? What is it?’ demanded John.
‘Oh, sorry, love. Holly’s on the way over. She … em … she said that eh …’
‘WHAT, for Christsake?’
‘She said that Gerry wrote her a list.’
John studied her face and tried to decide if she was serious. Sharon’s worried blue eyes stared back at him and he realised she was. He joined her at the table and they both sat in silence and stared at the wall, lost in thought.
CHAPTER SIX
‘Wow,’ was all Sharon and John could say as the three of them sat around the kitchen table in silence, staring at the contents of the package that Holly had emptied as evidence. Conversation between them had been minimal for the last few minutes as they all tried to decide how they felt. It had gone something like this:
‘But how did he manage to …?’
‘But how didn’t we notice him … well …? God.’
‘When do you think he …? Well, I suppose he was on his own sometimes …’
Holly and Sharon just sat looking at each other while John stuttered and stammered his way through trying to figure out just when, where and how his terminally ill friend had managed to carry out this idea all alone without anyone finding out.
‘Wow,’ he eventually repeated after coming to the conclusion that Gerry had done just that. He had carried it out alone.
‘I know,’ Holly agreed. ‘So the two of you had absolutely no idea then?’
‘Well, I don’t know about you, Holly, but it’s pretty clear to me that John was the mastermind behind all of this,’ Sharon said sarcastically.
‘Ha-ha,’ John replied drily. ‘He kept his word, anyway, didn’t he?’ John looked to both of the girls with a smile on his face.
‘He sure did,’ Holly said quietly.
‘Are you OK, Holly? I mean, how do you feel about all this? It must be … weird,’ asked Sharon again, clearly concerned.
‘I feel fine.’ Holly was thoughtful. ‘Actually, I think it’s the best thing that could have happened right now! It’s funny, though, how amazed we all are, considering how much we went on about this list. I mean, I should have been expecting it.’
