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Another reason I should stay away from you.
‘Yes, I know.’
She moved to the living room and started putting wood in the fireplace. It had become a routine—a ritual, almost—and it comforted her. Perhaps because it was so wonderfully normal—so far from what she’d grown up with. ‘We need to talk about the event—about how we’re going to plan something I did in six months in just over one.’
She saw a flicker in his eyes that suggested that wasn’t what he was talking about. She supposed she had known that on some level. Which was why she had steered the conversation to safer ground. To protect herself. Now she just had to remember that for the entire time they spent together...
* * *
‘Is it possible?’ Jordan asked, watching Mila carefully. Something about her was different, and it wasn’t only her appearance. Though as she sat curled on the couch opposite him—to be as far away from him as she could, he thought—the cup of tea she had left the room to make a few moments before in her hand, he could see that the old Mila was still there.
His heart throbbed as though it had been knocked, and he found himself yearning for something that belonged in the past. His present—their present—involved planning an event to save his family’s vineyard. And his family no longer included the woman he had fallen so hard for, despite every logical part of him...no matter what his heart said.
‘It’s going to be difficult,’ she conceded, distracting him from his thoughts.
‘What do you think we should start with?’ he asked, deciding that the only way he could focus on their business arrangement was by talking about business. But then she shifted, and the vanilla scent that clung to her drifted over to him. Suddenly he thought about how much he had missed it. About how often he’d thought he’d smelled it—had felt his heart racing at the thought that she’d come to find him—only to realise that it had been in his imagination...
‘Well, the conditions of your father’s will stipulate that we try to replicate the original Under the Stars event as much as possible. But, considering the season...’ she looked out at the dreary weather ‘...I’m not sure how successful that will be.’
As she spoke she ran a finger around the rim of her cup. It was a habit for her—one she reverted to when she was deep in thought. Once, when he’d teased her about it, she’d told him that one of her foster mothers had hated it when she’d done it. The woman had told her that she was inviting bacteria, and that Mila shouldn’t think they would take her to the doctor if she got sick.
It was one of the rare pieces of information she had offered him about her childhood, and she had meant for him to be amused by it. But instead it had alerted him to the difficulty of her past. Since he knew how that felt, he had never pushed her for more information.
‘I don’t think he thought this through,’ he said, to stop his thoughts from dwelling further, but only succeeding in shifting them to his father.
‘No, I don’t think so either,’ she agreed. ‘He meant well, but in his head this idea was romanticised. We would do an event together, just like the one where we met, and it would remind us of how we felt that first night.’
The dreamy look on her face made his heart accelerate, and for the first time Jordan wondered if his father had been right. But nostalgia wasn’t enough to save a broken relationship.
‘And then he’d have facilitated our reunion through his death,’ she ended, the expression he’d seen only moments before replaced by sadness.
His heart ached. ‘He always said he wanted his death to mean something.’
‘Especially after your mother’s,’ she said softy.
His eyes lifted to hers, and the sympathy he saw there stiffened his spine. ‘Maybe.’
He didn’t speak about his mother’s death. He had been five when it had happened and he had spent most of his life till then watching her suffer. Because she hadn’t done anything about her cancer soon enough. Because she had chosen him.
The memory made him think about whether his father had designed his will as a punishment for Jordan. To get justice, perhaps, for the fact that Greg had always blamed Jordan for her death. Something Jordan had only found out years after his mother had passed away. It would be the perfect way for his father to make his death ‘mean something,’ Jordan thought, especially since Greg had made his will after Jordan had left to cope with the loss of his son, of his wife. It was something he knew Greg hadn’t approved of, despite the fact that although Greg had been there physically, in all the ways that had mattered, Greg had done the same after Jordan’s mother had died...
Jordan lifted his eyes and saw that Mila was watching him in that way she had that always made him think she saw through him. He only relaxed when she averted her gaze.
‘We have six weeks to do this—which means that the event is going to happen in winter. And this rain suggests that the weather has already made a turn for the worst.’
He was grateful for the change in subject. ‘It also means that the grounds in the amphitheatre won’t be suitable for the public.’
‘Actually, I don’t think that will be a problem. When your father got sick, he couldn’t take care of the vineyard as well as he’d used to. So we minimised operations. We closed up the amphitheatre since we wouldn’t be using it, and concentrated our efforts on the wine.’
‘How did you do that? The area is huge.’
She shrugged. ‘I had a connection with a tent and marquee supplier, and he designed one for us. I’ll take you to see it tomorrow, if you like...’ She trailed off. ‘You know, I could probably get him to customise the design so that the top of the marquee is clear. That way the event would still be in the amphitheatre—’
‘And still be under the stars,’ he finished for her.
‘Why do you look so surprised?’
‘I’m just...’ He was just what? Surprised to see her throw herself into a task like this when he couldn’t remember the last time she had shown interest in anything?
‘I’m good at my job, Jordan,’ she said flatly when he didn’t continue.
‘I wasn’t saying that you weren’t,’ he replied.
The look she shot him burned through him, and he found himself bristling in response. It simmered when he saw a slight flicker in her eyes that made her look almost vulnerable, and he wondered why he couldn’t tell what had caused her reaction. He should know her well enough to be able to... Except he didn’t, he realised in shock.
‘I’ll draw up a list of everything that needs to be done and give you a copy once I have,’ she said tightly as she stood, and Jordan could see that tension straightened her spine. ‘We can discuss things then.’
She walked to the door and grabbed her coat.
‘Where are you going?’ he demanded, anger replacing the shock of only a moment ago.
‘Out,’ she replied, and slammed the door on her way out, leaving him speechless.
The woman who had walked out through that door—who had got angry at nothing and left before they could deal with it—was not the woman he had married. Or was she? a voice mocked him, and briefly he wondered if he was angry at Mila for seemingly acting out of character, or at himself for not knowing his wife well enough to be able to tell.
The thought spurred his feet forward, and he was out the door before she could get far.
‘Mila! Mila, wait!’
Her steps faltered, but she didn’t turn back. He stopped with enough distance between them that she wouldn’t feel crowded, but so she could still hear him.
‘Why are you upset?’
She turned and pulled her coat tight around her, determination lining her features. ‘I didn’t like that you looked surprised about me being good at my job.’
It took him a moment to process her words—especially since he was surprised that she had actually chosen to answer him.
‘I wasn’t surprised that you’re good at your job. I know you are.’ He watched her, hoping for some indication that she believed his words, but her face was carefully blank. ‘You took the spark of an idea I had with the first Under the Stars event and turned it into something I’d never dreamed of. And you made it a success. Of course you’re good at your job.’
‘I did do all of that,’ she said after a moment. ‘I am good at my job.’
‘Yes, you are,’ he reiterated, and thought about the vulnerability he’d thought he’d seen in her eyes earlier. ‘But are you trying to convince me of that, or yourself?’
She folded her arms in front of her—but not before he saw her wince. She was trying to convince herself, he thought, and wondered how she could even doubt it.
‘Don’t pretend like you know me.’
Because he was suddenly worried that it was true and he didn’t know her, anger stirred inside him again. ‘It goes both ways, Mila.’
‘What?’
‘You assumed that I thought poorly of you because of one look you misinterpreted. If you knew who I was, then you would have known that couldn’t be true.’
‘Then tell me the real reason for your surprise.’
Her arms fell to her sides and he watched her straighten her shoulders. As if she was preparing for battle, he thought. But he couldn’t answer her question. It would open the door that both of them seemed happy to keep closed—the one that protected them from their past.
When he didn’t respond, she shook her head. ‘That’s what I thought.’ She sighed. ‘You know, maybe I jumped to the conclusion that you thought I wasn’t good at my job because you never told me that I was. But then, we didn’t have that kind of relationship, did we?’
She walked away, leaving him wondering what kind of relationship they had had.
CHAPTER FOUR (#u6a39342c-daf5-5fd5-a123-2d3fa1527869)
MILA WALKED DOWN the gravel road to the amphitheatre, Jordan beside her, and some of her tension eased. It was home, she thought as she looked at the road shaded by trees, their leaves brown and gold as though they didn’t know whether to mourn or celebrate the coming winter. The grass around them had begun to lose its colour, too, though there were still patches that seemed to be fighting to remain as green as in spring.
When she made it through the trees she was standing at the top of a slope that led to the vineyard on the one side, and to the amphitheatre on the other. She had sombrely told Jordan that she would take him there that morning, and thought she needed to get over herself. She’d spent most of her time since their argument thinking about why she’d been upset—the real reason, not the one she had made up.
Because as soon as she’d given herself time to think it through—with Jordan’s words still in her head—she’d realised her reaction the previous day had been because she was doubting her skills. It wasn’t just about her job either. Jordan’s return had reminded her of her failures—at being a wife. At being a mother.
Her heart hiccupped and she laid a hand over her chest, hoping to comfort herself.
Losing her baby when she was barely six months pregnant had only succeeded in amplifying her insecurities. Insecurities that stemmed from growing up without hearing anyone tell her she was good at something—at anything. She could see now that it had led to her believing that she wasn’t good enough. Certainly not for Jordan when she’d first met him, since he’d had everything she hadn’t had in her childhood.
Love, a family, a home.
A little voice had reminded her of that throughout their marriage. It was part of the reason she wished Jordan had told her he was happy with her. Or that he was proud of her. Or that she was a good wife.
But then, they’d never shared things like that during their brief marriage. She had just accepted what he’d said because she’d been afraid to speak up in case it upset him. She hadn’t wanted to risk him realising that their relationship was too good to be true. That she wasn’t the right person for him.
Now she saw no point in keeping her thoughts to herself—he’d realised all that anyway. And perhaps that had been the reason for Jordan’s surprise—she was no longer meek Mila who didn’t speak her mind. What had that got her? Nothing but a heart broken by the loss of her husband and her child.
‘Nothing beats this view,’ Jordan said quietly from beside her, and her heart pounded when she turned and saw him looking at her. But then he nodded towards the vineyard, and she mentally kicked herself. Of course he wasn’t talking about her—especially since things between them were still tense.
She turned her attention to the vineyard to hide her embarrassment at thinking such a silly thing, and took in the clash of different shades of red and brown. Fields of the colours together was a picture she would never forget—even when it was years in the future and she no longer had any reason to be a part of the Thomas Vineyard. She could see the dam just beyond the fields, large and beautiful, and behind it the hills that made the vineyard look surreal.
Walking the vineyard with him felt like old times. Despite how difficult things were with them now, when they had walked past the chapel where they’d got married, Mila’s heart had longed for the people they’d been then. It didn’t help that the weather had turned from the rain of the previous day to bright sunshine. It reminded her of her wedding day, almost two years ago.
It had been cold, true to the season, but the sun had been shining just as it was today, as though the gods had approved their union. A fanciful thought, she realised now, indicative of the person she had been then. The person who had fallen in love at first sight and married three months later.
The fact that their wedding anniversary was a few weeks away pained her, and she tried to ignore it. Her mind reminded her that she and Jordan hadn’t been together long enough—physically or emotionally—for them to celebrate their first anniversary. Now, on their second, they’d be together physically, but emotionally...
‘It’s more beautiful than I remember,’ he said, and she almost smiled at the sincerity in his voice.
‘It’s become a bit like home to me in the past year,’ she murmured, deep in thought, and then her stomach dropped when she realised what she had said. ‘Because of Greg,’ she added hurriedly, hoping it would make her words seem less like a revelation.
He didn’t answer her, and when she looked over he had a blank expression on his face. How was it possible that the tension between them could become worse? she wondered, her insides twisting.
‘I have memories of every part of this place,’ he said, his face pensive now. ‘This is where I last saw my mother. This is where my father raised me.’
Mila frowned. Had he just willingly mentioned his mother? His reaction the previous night when she’d said something about her had been what Mila was used to. A quick brush-off, an unwillingness to respond. She had wanted to know about his mother so badly when they were dating, when they were married, but she’d never had the nerve to push beyond Jordan’s resistance. Since she didn’t really want to offer information to him either, she’d convinced herself that it didn’t matter. That one day, while they watched their children play in front of the house, he would tell her about the woman who had died when he was five, and she would hold his hand and tell him that it was okay.
But that day would never come now.
Jordan turned towards the amphitheatre and she followed him, and then she stopped, her eyes widening when she realised what going to the amphitheatre meant. Why hadn’t she realised this earlier, she thought in panic, when she could have done something about it? Before she had suggested it, for heaven’s sake!
‘Are you coming?’ Jordan asked her, and she exhaled shakily, forced her legs to move and her mouth to respond.
‘Yes...yes, I am.’
* * *
‘This is great,’ Jordan said when he saw the white marquee that covered the amphitheatre. The edges were pinned down between the trees that surrounded the area, and it had done its job for the most part, he noted. Though water ran down the steps, the seats and the stage were still dry, along with most of the ground. It would do for their event, he thought.
‘Whose idea was it to do this? It was smart.’
He took the steps as he asked the question, and was about halfway down when he realised Mila hadn’t answered him. Nor could he hear her following. When he turned back to look up at her his heart raced at her expression. Her face was white—and so was the hand that clung to the railing that ran down the middle of the stairs. He could see her chest heave—in, out...in, out—and his first instinct was to run to her side and make sure that she was okay.
But somewhere at the back of his mind he realised what was happening, and a picture of her at the bottom of the stairs at their old house, lying deadly still, flashed through his mind.
This is what you left behind, a voice told him, and a ball of grief and guilt drop in his stomach.
Careful to keep his expression blank, even as his heart thrummed, he walked up to her and slid an arm around her waist. She didn’t look at him, and he could feel her resistance, so he waited until her hand finally gripped the back of his jacket. Slowly they made their way down to the bottom of the stairs, and with each step the ball of emotion grew inside him.
‘Thank you,’ she said through tight lips when they got to the bottom, but he could hear the shakiness in her voice—felt it in her body before she stepped back from him.
‘Since the accident?’ he asked.
She lifted her eyes briefly, and then lowered them again as she straightened her shoulders. ‘Yeah. It’s not impossible to do. It just takes longer.’
He didn’t know what to say. How could he say anything at all? he wondered with disgust. He knew the loss of their son had hurt them both—Jordan lived with it every day, no matter where he was. Every moment of his life since that day still held glimpses of what it would have been like if his son had been alive—images of them as a family in the home where he and Mila used to live crushed his heart each time.
But the reality was that he wasn’t a father. And, yes, he had complicated emotions about it—dashed hopes, a broken heart—but his body was fine. Though his heart pained, he could go down a flight of stairs without thinking about the fall that had led to a placental abruption and a premature baby who couldn’t survive outside the womb. His mind, though still dimmed by grief, wasn’t addled by a fear of stairs.
Seeing Mila’s reality, seeing the effect losing their baby had had on her, gutted him. The shame and guilt he already felt about the loss of their child pierced him. And the anger—the tension Jordan felt at the fact that Mila hadn’t turned to him—flamed inside him.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
She slanted a look at him. ‘About...?’
She was giving him a chance to back down, he thought briefly, but he wouldn’t do it.
‘About the stairs. Is there anything else you’re still struggling with?’
‘That isn’t your business any more, Jordan,’ she replied easily, though he could tell that the conversation was anything but easy for her.
‘You’re my wife, Mila.’ It didn’t matter to him that they had both signed divorce papers and had only found out they were still married the previous day. ‘I have a right to know.’
‘No, you don’t,’ she said tersely. ‘You gave up that right when you walked out. When you sent me divorce papers. When you didn’t come home.’ There was a brief pause. ‘I’m your wife in name only.’
