Ria April Avalon.
Life in Poetry
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Приветствую Вас на страницах этой книги и предлагаю Вам отправиться в увлекательное путешествие в мой собственный мир. В этом путешествии Вы испытаете новые яркие эмоции и увидите обычные жизненные ситуации с другой стороны. Читая мои произведения, написанные от самого сердца, Вы будете предаваться воспоминаниям, сочувствовать, мечтать и размышлять о жизни. О жизни в стихах.
Я уверена, что лучший способ узнать обо мне больше – знакомство с моей автобиографической поэзией. Никаких скучных фактов, цифр и дат, только голос моего сердца!
I'm wild and sometimes even heartless-can-be,
I'm fond of collecting illusions to ruin,
I'm breaking the rules life has written for me,
«Create to destroy» best describes what I'm doing.
I'm scarily dangerous, silently loud —
A walking disaster you'd better ignore,
The pain in the neck of a desperate crowd.
But I'm like a magnet – you'll only want more.
You'll figure me out, you'll get to the core:
One beauty, two fears, three dangers – it's me.
You'll enter my heartspace and close the door
For anyone else who I wanted to be.
My truth was denying devotion and faith,
And now you've proved right the opposite true.
A chain of mistakes is the sign of my days,
My strength will forgive me – it led me to you.
I've turned to an actress regardless my will,
Life's poignant scenario brought me the skill.
Performing, I find the salvation
In changing my costumes and masks.
It keeps my true guise ever changing in turn,
The art of arranging's not easy to learn,
It's more than just bright decorations.
I've handled a difficult task.
I fear the thunder, still dance in the rain,
The gloomy surrounders claim I'm insane,
Not seeing the sense in its absence —
The actress is always to blame!
My tragical comedies last for a while,
Erasing the concepts «the truth» and «a guile»,
Deceiving the evident essence,
I'm playing this innocent game.
I speak every language of pleasure and grief,
I've heard every rumor you spread and believe.
Well, I am the subject this season,
In fact, I am proud of it.
I'm nursing the thought they keep talking of me,
Quite happy to seem a discover-to-be
For no particular reason
Except such a playful deceit.
Bitter and Beautiful
I'm bitter and beautiful, Ria by name,
I challenge my dreams in a dangerous game,
I'm less than a lover, yet more than a friend,
A difficult riddle for you till the end.
A poet of April, a daughter of spring,
I'm meant to be happy, I'm happy to sing,
My weapon is beauty, my word is a thorn,
I've changed many parts since the day I was born.
My life gave me wings and I'm learning to fly
To lands of wild orchids and endless July,
My heart has been changing its color and shape,
I'm lost in a maze, but I'll find the escape.
A Silent Muse
I used to have two faces
And masks of any kind,
Two voices spoke inside me,
Two lights were meant to blind me
When I was changing places
But couldn't get me blind.
A hopeless romantic
With many crazy schemes,
A messenger of Cupid
Who looked a little stupid
In this new world, so frantic,
I stayed between extremes.
I used to be a sinner,
And then I went through hell.
Unfiltered life seemed better
And nothing else would matter,
My shell was getting thinner,
It didn't do me well.
Today I'm shining brightly,
A thoughtful silent muse.
Creating art and beauty
Has been my only duty,
My heart is beating quietly,
There's nothing else to lose.
Часть 1.A Story Without an End (История без окончания)
Нефильтрованные эмоции, романтические переживания и любовные разочарования
A Story Without an End
"Me, love and you… Three halves of something whole,
If one is missing, everything is clear."
These words can paint the sorrow in my soul
But once bright colors fade away in years.
I haven't found my peace within your arms,
Forgotten dreams are turning into fear
Of someone else's charm.
I give you everything I have and treasure
But I have nothing. Love is nothing, too.
Love's non-existing, as it has no measure.
I've lost my faith in it. But not in you.
This verse is just another ode to Pothos* —
The guise of my own heart-wrecked destiny.
I still believe in faith, but is it worth it?
Fate's given up on me.
I have convinced us both the feeling faded,
And it is a deceptive honest lie.
At least, I – devastated, torn and jaded —
Was truly independent in your eyes.
If love's opposed to freedom that's in dreaming,
Then love and dreams don't make one sacred whole.
And so, my past completely lost its meaning…
If I exist – and had this past at all.
*Pothos (рус. Пафос) – сын Пигмалиона и его ожившей скульптуры Галатеи, древнегреческий бог любви и страсти
In silence my lips have been drawing the shapes
Of phrases, so vague and deprived of a meaning.
My dreams are about to find an escape
To where the end always meets the beginning.
My black and white fears have got an excuse:
I still have the world – in my heart and around.
I'm no longer free – I have something to lose.
The more I deny that my freedom has bounds,
The better I see them, the more my heart frets.
The twilight has failed to appease me somehow.
I'll lose it all soon, but I'll never regret.
My lips keep repeating: «Not me, not right now».
It is just another sleepless night,
It's the breath of spring that we await.
One more gulp of wine, and I'm all right,
One more secret till it's way too late.
One more song for no one's reached your ears,
But you think it's happened by mistake.
Every now and then you see me near,
But you've got another heart to break.
I'm a lover, killed by you for good,
I'm the endless beauty you can't face,
I'm the myth you've never understood,
I'm the pill no spirits can replace.
I'm your muse and demon, I'm your pride,
I'm the word that's missing in your song,
I still feel like I'm a scar you hide,
Otherwise you'd tell me I am wrong.
The poison of spring has dissolved in my veins;
A second is worth both my future and past.
The more I denied my becoming insane,
The sooner insanity touched me at last.
The silence we hear is the laugh of my fate,
The soundless laugh at the one I forgot —
The yesterday's me – and the force to create
The life I portrayed. But it's less than I've got.
I love the invisible scars of my skin —
The blades of your hands are so tempting, indeed.
These words I give birth to just come from within,
Revealing the truth till the scars start to bleed.
Fate and Fortune
This northern city with headlights-eyes
Has buried me in its cold and gloom;
You'll see this place in a dreadful guise,
And once sweet home will seem a tomb
Once you're aware there's no way out,
Once dreams of youth say goodbye and grin.
It goes farther and makes me doubt
In all the things I have ever seen.
Its blood has turned into ice and snow,
It's endless winter in every heart.
The winds of grief never cease to blow,
The art of grief is the greatest art.
And once in this cradle of dirt and despair
A wandering stranger demanded my mind.
He asked me about this damned northern air
I'd better not breathe – I would leave it behind.
He said: "I'm in love with this misery, miss.
Destruction is right what we need to create.
True art is in grief. I've been dreaming of this.
My yesterday's fortune's tomorrow's fate.
I know all secrets my destiny knows,
So this boring dwelling won't be a surprise".
I thought: «He's my twin, and it clearly shows».
That evening he opened my widely shut eyes.
A perfect stranger has built a wall
To be a shield from this gloom and lies,
From endless rains of this city's gall
That falls on me from the shattered skies.
The wave of feelings can warm the days
Of dull existence in Bitterland
And melt the ice in this rotten place,
In every heart that it's due to mend.
This northern city with headlights-eyes
Has turned us down in its nasty voice
And… brought together. We've paid the price
Of fate to fortune. We've made the choice.
My arms held so tightly around your waist
Just spoke for me, as I'd got my lips sealed.
At least they indulged in a new better taste.
Embraced by temptations, I chose to yield.
This night was a blinding exhilarant flash
Of life that's unfiltered, of love that's pristine.
You found the beauty within such a crash,
You planted some hope in the dream world of mine.
But pleasure is gone like this cherry cigar,
The dawn didn't let fortune's secret unfold
Or give me a sign, leading where you are.
A dream half believed in is all that I hold.
I'm looking around and searching you there,
The bright prospect lights only frown as I stare,
My heart's getting lost in the shatters.
I know you'll pick them all up when you come,
And I'll never mind if you steal at least some,
Just keep them, and nothing else matters.
Those white and green lights got my secret revealed,
I'll write it all down and cherish it sealed,
One day it will find destination.
Whoever discovers the mystery penned,
They won't guess a word, I have got it all planned,
This madness becomes my salvation.
The eyes of the suburbs will warm and appease
My heart, ever-aching, with evident ease.
Your look in the window still shows.
It's fixed in the soul, it's fixed in the glass,
This moment can linger for good either pass,
It's changing. Well, destiny knows.
Gifting a Dream
You're driving across the mysterious lands,
You're making your way to the sea and the shore.
Let go of the wheel and stretch out your hands,
Your secret desires will call you for more.
Midnight in July.
The boundless sky.
The signs in the violet mist.
The red and green lights
That shine through the nights
To show you dream islands exist.
The island of hope is the first on the way,
I'm waiting for you, I am already there.
With fingers entwined, with all thoughts gone astray
We'll lie by the water in silence and stare.
The sand as a bed.
Black roofs painted red.
A thousand small fireflies.
A bright navy sail.
Sweet scents we inhale.
Your charming and still dreamy guise…
Lands of Forever
Discover the lands of forever,
Of harmony, beauty and peace;
Your reverie's worth the endeavor
Of searching a moment to seize.
A moment to linger for years,
A perpetuated romance
Of two ever different spheres
That twist in a passionate dance.
This madness and charm are one whole,
As everything's possible there.
This unit will conquer your soul
And liven your dream if you dare.
Unravel the life you desire,
And fortune will paint it for you.
The forces of Water and Fire
Conspire to make it all true.
I'll paint your sweet portrait with tightly shut eyes
With pleasure whenever you ask,
Though hands ever shaking and colder than ice
Do find it a difficult task.
I'll cherish the portrait and hang it above
My empty not warm enough bed
To guard all the secrets of mystery love
And clear the mess in my head.
The mirror that's placed on the opposite wall
Will certainly add to its charm,
My room and your portrait will turn to one whole,
This place will incur no more harm.
The blades of your hands,
Repeating old lines of my own.
The well-hidden sense,
The hopeless romance,
The eyes that could gift me the dawn.
The days still go by,
Three months till July,
Love, listen, I'm honestly striving
My fortunate fate,
Still learning the art of surviving.
But I am too weak,
Frail fingers do seek
A chance to entwine for a moment
With yours, then lose hold
And feel this strange cold,
Indulge in a beautiful torment.
The same tragic theme,
I've reached the extreme.
It seems I'll be waiting for ages
Of riddles and signs,
Of love fixed in lines,
Of counting papers and pages.
Diaries of Mystery
I search for the meaning and sense in your look
While trying to read all your thoughts like a book —
Your mind is a world to discover.
I'm dying to be your creation and muse,
Blue ink on black papers is hiding the truth
In songs of a desperate lover.
You've turned the gray colors to soft navy blue,
The whole palette is much brighter with you —
The art is in being sincere.
The moment of peace is right where you are,
The brush in your hands does conceal every scar,
My heart is your tapestry, dear.
You've brought me back faith, so hard to retrieve,
Your trust is a reason to breathe and believe,
And I will be thankful forever.
But gratitude only will never quite do,
I think my confessions have proved it all true,
Erasing both now and never.
I'm playing the game of incredible cards
Of red-colored spades just as well as black hearts,
It gives you a reason to fear.
I still let you into my dangerous mind,
I'll easily give you whatever you find
And share the crazy idea.
I dream of a kiss you could plant on my lips,
I dream of your gentle and soft fingertips,
Exploring my skin with much care.
To hear you breathing, to feel your heartbeat
Are such simple things, but I'm dying for it,
Yet I just keep silent and stare.
At times when you feel devastated and sad,
When desperate thoughts make a mess in your head,
Just sink in my arms – it's appeasing.
Whenever you crave for some love and caress,
At moments we all need it badly, I guess,
I keep them for you while I'm breathing.
I raise my swollen eyes to reach your sight,
I try to guess the song that's in your head,
I'm only thinking
Of how I will dream of you tonight,
While looking through the window from my bed,
As always drinking
Plum wine with morning flavor from the glass
You drank from when you came and made my day,
This way it's better.
I scan and gather moments due to pass,
I rhyme the words I cannot simply say
And write a letter.
We all are fallen angels with one wing,
We fly once flesh and souls do entwine,
Let's come together.
A wing is frail, but never ever think
I'll let you fall – I'll gladly give you mine
If yours lacks feathers.
Crimson and Black
I'd sell my heart in paperback,
In verses for perverts to read.
The crimson lines look good on black,
Just like the world behind my lids.
For crimson is my poisoned blood
You'd never want to mix with yours,
For black is my denying heart
That's stained with lies and dead remorse.
Erase my love and drain my mind
Until my memory is void,
I want to be completely blind
To every trifle I enjoyed.
Your gentle touch is like a burn —
I play pretend I'm fine with heat.
I've reached the point of no return,
I find my peace in self-deceit.
I am drenched in silver smoke
With my weekend brandy mates,
Laughing at the same old jokes,
Taking part in drunk debates.
When my forces get united,
I will leave the noisy bar,
Soon to find myself invited
To a ride in someone's car.
Midnight dates, adventures, strangers,
Mad ideas for some fun,
The temptation of the danger
To be liked by everyone.
Lust, elation, merging faces
Lighten all the darkest days.
But my love's lost scattered traces
Aren't that easy to erase…
The times of the rhyming sensations are ceased,
It's no surprise evil love has deceased.
My heart is a chamber with limited space,
Indifference got all my feelings erased.
Frail fibre is used to the memories' blade,
My thirst for your love is about to fade,
Deceiving myself is revealing the truth,
The pain of desire is easy to soothe.
Two opposite planets, two opposite spheres,
Both ruled by denying just being sincere
Will never be one due to different laws.
I have to accept it the way that it goes.
Sincerity stands for the lack of control,
And love never even existed at all.
So what does my poetry speak of, indeed?
Old scars are deprived of the pleasure to bleed.
I am breaking the vast glassy surface of make-believe seas,
As the moonlight is cutting the throat of scarlet sunrise,
I am screaming my heart out loud, I need to release
All my silently bitter emotions. I pray to the skies
To remain in this world for a lifetime and ruin it then,
In this perfect small drunken creation, in my fairytale,
In the land that's beyond now and never, some time and nowhen,
And indulge in the smell of tranquility I can inhale,
Where the past in a twist with the present and future unknown
Is revealed in the blossom of orchids and blue camomiles,
Mighty lightnings of fate never strike in this land of my own,
In this place I'm the only survivor. I'll stay for a while,
Till you come to my shelter and sing me a love serenade,
As you own the key to the gates, and the key is my heart,
First you gift me a dream, then you steal it from me,
then you fade,
And I wake. It's another new day. It's another new start.
I used to compare myself with a fire,
So sudden, so restless, so hard to predict,
A definite danger to see and admire,
The gamut of colors one couldn't depict.
The flame is extinguished. The reason is clear —
I crave for love fuel, all I need is one match.
I'm stronger than every invisible tear
That turns to a raindrop. I'm starting from scratch.
I'll be a good guide for my soulmates-strangers,
A guard for the lost and the ones of this kind,
For anything frail I'll reveal only danger…
However, a match is not easy to find.
The level of pride in my blood is too high,
And shatters of passion are trapped in a shell,
I'm growing older, I cannot deny,
And something unique fills my heart's every cell.
Love sacred, love secret, love ably disguised
Is tormented, ever forbidden, but still
It speaks for itself, it is self-emphasized
At times when I quell it regardless my will.
The distance between us brings love only luck —
I'm close to you in my reverie land,
And when we do meet, I am totally struck
By «devil-may-care» and «just play-pretend».
White on White
Blank papers of bitter today
Do treasure the words white on white;
If they are forbidden to say,
Then my privilege is to write.
I choke on the poison I've drunk,
The root of my love is in grief;
I'm learning the foreigners' tongue
To perpetuate my belief.
The strength of my weakness denies
The myth only half proven true;
The lines that I can't recognize
One day were composed by you.
The sequel could come to an end,
But sanity claims it's too late,
I take all the pain to defend
The worlds my illusions create.
The pleasure to speak is my lost privilege,
And now insanity dwells on a page,
However, it's changing the color in days,
Revealing the truth my white pencil portrays.
But I'm getting sick of the poetess' fate,
I only enliven the worlds you create,
Denying the myths you don't want
Or perpetuate every side of my grief.
Today it's triangular, soon to be square,
Or even linear in case you are there,
You skillfully play with my changeable mood,
I'd steal such a talent from you if I could.
I paint the reality, live in a dream,
Duality kills me, I just wanna scream,
I'll find the salvation when, holding you close,
I'll speak of my feelings and keep them in prose.
Changes Part Two (November)
I'm looking around – a year has passed,
The moment I seized is forever to last,
The secrets of cherished November
Still live in the imprints of soft fingertips
You left on my key, in your eyes that eclipse
The various colors of amber.
The waters of changes surround my shore,
The eyes of the suburbs see right to the core,
Respond to my heart's aspiration.
Eternity lingers in love's every breath,
And it is my place from November till death,
My shelter, my sweet isolation.
It's plain and it's simple – I have understood
That I will keep writing this story for good
And send you mysterious letters.
Discover the worlds that my verses create
For you to unravel and investigate,
Just keep them, and nothing else matters.
You just say you will always be there
When I need you right here with me;
I am trapped in the wave of despair,
Dreams escape to the boundless sea.
I indulge in the sense of December,
In the cinnamon scent I inhale;
This tranquility makes me remember
My old sweet Scandinavian tale.
It's the voice of Suomi that's calling
My still frozen heart to the North,
As the wheel of my fortune keeps rolling,
It is time to live on and move forth.
I'll keep moving in every direction,
I can change by my own free will;
On my way to complete resurrection
I'm the one at the steering wheel.
If I dare to change your embraces
To Norwegian winter's caress,
Will the blizzard conceal all the traces?
I'll be loving you, nevertheless.
I will meet you nowhen and nowhere,
In the depth of the boundless sea;
In my dreams you will always be there,
In my memories – here with me.
Every love is another small life that you cannot relive,
When it's over, the flame in your heart is about to die
But one day you are fully revived, you are glad to believe
There is somebody waiting for you underneath the same sky.
Every love mixes all the bright colors that shine in your heart
And sometimes you can even discover new beautiful hues
Or big secrets about yourself as you play the new part
Of a savior, hopeless lover, creator or muse.
It can make you a desperate victim of self-sacrifice
Or a poet of blues, seeking pleasure and beauty in pain,
Yet you'll never be able to play such a part more than twice —
Once you fail it, you try one more time but it's all been in vain.
Love can come to your world in a strange and astonishing guise,
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