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‘Today I thought we’d do something different. I read your “What I did over half term” stories and I’m not particularly interested in what you did this weekend. It seems that you all tend to do the same old things anyway, and your writing is rather boring. You lot don’t seem to have much imagination. With the exception of Rajiv, who seems to have a little too much because every weekend he apparently saves family or friends from fire, flood or sinking ship.’
Twenty-nine children laughed. Miss Lomax smiled gently at Rajiv and cocked her head as if to say, Don’t take it to heart.
‘Shush. Thank you. No, today I thought we could talk about our best daydreams, our favourite fantasies. Now who will start? Rajiv? Okay. And easy on the fires, floods or drowning baby cousins. Fire away, fire away.’
Rajiv began his story. His fantasy was to be all by himself, away from his family and friends, in a spacecraft made for one, operated by one. He would leave Earth, head for the stars, alight on one and discover living aliens. He would stay and befriend this new people, introduce them to such concepts as clothing empires and hotel chains and fast-food outlets. He would become their undisputed, much-loved leader, an intergalactic Richard Branson.
Marsha, who had a soft spot for Rajiv, explained that she aimed to become a fireman-woman, so that she could help Rajiv in his brave adventures. They could be a team – firefighting heroes but also husband and wife with six children. Rajiv buried his head in his hands, wishing his spacecraft could be ready that afternoon. Miss Lomax succeeded – but only just – in suppressing potentially uncontrollable giggles. Rajiv, however, quickly succumbed to a tell-tale redness which travelled all over his face and burnt right through to his ears. A roar of ‘Ugghh’ and a spatter of laughter erupted. Marsha stared straight at him and at Miss Lomax alternately, imploring, ‘But it’s true, it’s true.’
Law and order was easily re-established, the class was keen to listen and tell. Ambitions were mooted: to win the Grand National on a small Welsh pony; to become a very famous actress and appear on This Is Your Life; to take England to victory as the top goal scorer in the next World Cup (‘Come on now, Andrew, be slightly realistic’, ‘Well, maybe the World Cup after next’); to be the Queen’s favourite chef. The children were loose, stimulated and creative. They produced some of their best work that day without realizing it was work at all. Miss Lomax felt proud. She was having fun.
‘Yes, Alice? Tell you my fantasy or daydream?’ The bell for break clanged. Saved by the bell, ho ho, thought Sally. Yet for once none of the children moved. Pen lids were left off pens, books lay threateningly open. Thirty pairs of inquisitive eyes said that break did not matter, they wanted Miss Lomax’s dreams.
‘My dream?’
Yes, Miss, your dream.
‘Maybe next time, it’s break-time.’
We don’t want our break, we want your fantasy!
There was no escape, she could not punish them for showing such enthusiasm for her lesson. She could not disappoint them by merely taking theirs and not giving them hers.
‘Okay, okay. In a nutshell, I would like to live in Tuscany – that’s in Italy, here on the map. In a beautiful stone villa set amidst flowers and cypress trees, with its own pool and near a perfect little village. I’d like a devilishly good-looking Italian husband who is a pasta wizard, a batch of beautiful babies and a satisfying job teaching perfectly behaved, diligent (look it up in the dictionary) pupils.’
Sally only sort-of lied. It had certainly been her fantasy right up until last week, but that was before Richard Stonehill and her current fantasies, which would most certainly earn her a dismissal and severely disturb the fresh, absorbent minds of her young charges. The Tuscan Idyll would have to suffice.
‘Now scram!’ Thirty pairs of androgynous legs scrammed. Out, out into the playground to munch chocolate, elaborate further on their stories and to discuss whether or not they believed Miss Lomax. The majority (all except Paula-Teacher’s-Pet-Thomson) did not.
As she headed towards the staff-room, Miss Lomax talked silently to the satchels and gym shoes which lined the walls.
My fantasy? Best daydream? If it’s come true, or is coming true, is it still valid? I want the memory of me, the feel of me, my taste, my smell, my touch, to stay with Richard Stonehill for the rest of his life. The knowledge that it has done so will give me the pleasure and strength never to let myself feel small and worthless. Actually, maybe that’s all a little too metaphysical. Let’s start again. On a physical level. My fantasy is to have the most delicious, wicked, life-enhancing affair with this Adonis, this Richard ‘call me Conan’ Stonehill.
‘Hullo, Sal!’ (Don’t call me that.) Mr Bernard – John – (Head of Maths), greeted Miss Lomax – Sally (great at giving head).
‘You certainly look radiant today. Don’t tell me Class Five had done their homework? All of them? I’ve a double period with them after break, so help me God. Might you be free for a drink this evening? No? A shame, a great pity. Some other time, perhaps, maybe?’
Miss Lomax, who had never talked much more than shop with Bernard, was a little taken aback.
It’s not the short skirt, is it? She hastily persuaded herself it must be her aura instead.
Miss Lomax made coffee in a mug bearing the school’s emblem and maxim, In Loco Parentis, and sauntered over to where Miss Lewis – Diana – (teacher of Art and Craft) sat. They were close friends and allies in the field of staff-room politics. Diana, the dictionary definition of a wacky art teacher, was always bowled over by the small happenings and vagaries of life. Indeed, great interest and pure enthusiasm were expressed for practically everything and everyone around her. Her exaggerated inflection assisted the expression of such fascinations. To her great amusement, this rendered her a willing sitting duck for many a playground impersonation. She had an absolute field day with Sally that break-time.
‘Look at you! You look fab-u-lous. Who is he?’
‘Huh?’
‘Sal-lly!’
But all Diana had for a reply was Sally taking a noncommittal gulp at her coffee.
‘Okay then, Miss Sexy Sal.’ (Don’t call me that!) ‘What did you do over the weekend? Apart from plun-der your bank account?’
‘Actually, that was about it. Just a quiet weekend, a bit of sewing, finishing a novel, generally pottering about. You know, one of those weekends.’
I do know ‘those weekends’, thought Diana, and you most certainly did not have one! You’re fibbing to me, but you have your reasons. Only tell me soon, Sally, Sexy Sal, do!
FIVE
‘He’s late today, isn’t he? Most unusual. Did he have a meeting? Check for me, will you? I don’t think I could stand these butterflies all day!’
‘No, Sandra, no meeting for him. Maybe he’s sick? Or maybe he’s eloped.’
‘Stop it, Mary, that’s not fair.’
‘But you’ve been working here over two years and you get the same courteous “Good Morning, Good Evening, Merry Christmas” as the rest of us. You know he’ll only ever be married to his work. He’s probably a lousy lover anyway. No one female ever rings for him. You never know, maybe women aren’t his thing anyway.’
‘Oh, shut it. Let me have my hopes and fantasies. It’s all right for you, with your mortgage and your steady Steve and your … oh my God, he’s coming! Oh my Gordon Flipping Bennett. Keep cool and sophis, San. Hello, Mr Stonehill!’
‘Good morning, Sandra. Morning Mary.’
Morning, morning. Mourning.
Sandra’s gaze followed him down the corridor. Mary watched her closely. Smitten. Sandra absorbed every detail, storing it for later, for the arduous journey that she would make, always made, seatless and depressed, back to High Barnet.
I love that navy suit, I love the way he walks. His hair lifts slightly with each stride, the trousers outline his calf muscles with every step. Why was he late? How can I find out? Please, please, please not a woman in his life. Pretty please a gas leak or something. One day, me, please. One day, me. Or, for one day, me. All I ask.
0181 348 6523. No answer. Of course not, Sally’s at school. But does she have an answering machine? Richard wonders, hanging on. Obviously not. But does she go home for lunch? he wonders two hours later as he re-dials. Obviously not. Does school end at 3.30 nowadays? No, apparently it does not.
Richard has done little work. As the working day nears a close, his drawing board remains irritatingly bare. He just could not seem to settle down to concentrate on the plan for the quasi-Georgian building commissioned by the Americans. Instead, he doodles and a Play School house stares back, with a chimney, a door, and windows; one, two, three, four. You never know the Americans, they might like it. He twirls around in his swivel chair; his jacket is off, his shirt sleeves rolled up to the elbow revealing beautifully tanned forearms brushed with a down of flaxen hairs. He clasps his hands behind his head and places his left foot on his right knee. Fine ankles can be discerned beneath Ralph Lauren socks. Out of the window he sees the river, a pleasure boat, captivated tourists on board, the guide changing her microphone from hand to hand as she points to the left, to the right. On the opposite bank, a crane performs its slow-motion task. Up river, Waterloo Bridge straddles south and north banks. Matisse is showing at the Hayward Gallery, he read the review in yesterday’s paper. Maybe Sally would like to go? Maybe Titian at the Royal Academy is more her thing? Something to find out. 0181 348 6523. Was that dialled correctly? 0181 348 6523. She’s his first 0181 girl.
638 5454. ‘Bob Woods, please … Bob? Hey! Fancy a sesh at the gym? Great. In an hour? Fine.’
Keeping at a constant 80 r.p.m., Bob and Richard tackle the simulated hill programme on the Lifecycle. They’ve broken the twenty-minute, red-face barrier and are working through into the serious sweat zone. Speech comes in staccato gasps, whole sentences interspersed with long pauses. However, having worked out together for many years, Bob and Richard have brought such conversation to a fine art, barely comprehensible to those uninitiated but utterly intelligible between these two.
‘So, you and Sally Lomax left together and then what?’
‘What do you know about her?’
‘Not a lot. Friend of a friend of Catherine. Met her once before, about six months ago. So, you left and then what?’
‘Does Catherine know her?’
‘And then WHAT?’
‘What?’
They pedalled on, then pedalled down, then stopped. Both leant forward and dropped their heads on to folded arms and huffed in unison for a few moments.
‘Stairmaster?’
‘After you, I’ll work on my abs.’
Delts, quads, glutes, abs. Half an hour later, they met up over the bicep curls, heaving their limbs, exhaling and grimacing in such perfect time as to make any synchronized swimming corps envious. They were, unknowingly, the centre of attention, the brawniest there, the handsomest. Admiring women, in fluorescent, up-the-bum all-in-ones, strutted their well-toned stuff in the hope that they might be seen and even achieve a date. Less brawny blokes were suddenly inspired to work harder, to up the level on the Lifecycle, to increase their weights by 10 Ks. Today, like any other day past or to come, Bob and Richard were unaware of their audience. To them, the gym was less a place to see and be seen as it was their sanctuary where they could dissolve the pressures of work or relationships and simply enjoy their easy friendship which spanned well over a decade. And keep their bodies in peak condition too, of course.
Over the gush of the shower, the waft of shampoo-conditioner and the clatter of lockers, Bob picked up where Richard had left off.
‘Have you phoned her?’
‘Who?’
‘Who-my-arse!’
‘Sort of.’
‘Sort of! What’s “sort of”? How can you sort of ring a person? Either you have or you have not. She was either there or she was not. She either said: “Yes, I’d love to”, or she said “No” and thanked you for calling. Enough “sort of”. Did you?’
‘Yes.’
‘Yes?’
‘Yes.’
‘And? And?’
‘No reply.’
‘Try again?’
‘No reply.’
‘Will you try again?’
‘What do you know about her?’
‘Ri-chard! She’s a friend of a friend of Catherine’s. I met her once before. I am sure – in fact, there can be no question about it – she’ll be sitting in all evening willing the phone to ring with your dulcet tones offering dinner chez Ricardo. So, stop skirting the issue. You left together and then what?’
‘I took her home. Fancy a drink? My shout.’
Bob watched his friend as he dressed and preened.
Good Lord, he’s gone! A goner! Not that he knows it yet. Goodbye, Old Mister Pump-and-Dump, Sir Love ’Em and Leave ’Em. Or Rather Lord Leave ’Em Before You Fallinlovewith ’Em. I don’t believe it!
Bob felt a wave of fondness and happiness for his pal so he slapped his back and squeezed his delts.
‘Your shout. Just a swift half, mind. Promised Catherine that we’d go to the flicks.’
Their swift half turned into a leisurely two-pinter. Bob decided not to pry further. This one needed nurturing. Instead, they indulged in a trip down Memory Lane, recalling wild times shared at college, remembering, try for try, every rugby game that they’d played together, remarking on how far they had both come since moving to London to make their respective marks on the world of Law and Architecture. Bob talked about Catherine, their next holiday to Northern Portugal, the extension to the house, the current discord over the baby issue – her desire, his reluctance. (‘But me, a dad? I mean, I’m not old enough! I’ve got a dad of my own still! Catherine’s broody though, very. I’ve even checked her Pill packets recently to make sure she’s not forgetting accidentally-on-purpose.’)
Richard was simultaneously envious of Bob’s security, his constant and loving relationship, and yet also thankful that he had no one but himself to think of. Poor old Bob, soon to be dragged off to a schmaltzy American weepy that he’d never go to see out of choice. But there again, didn’t he seem to beam with affection when, on the way to the pub, he’d made a detour to buy tissues and wine gums?
‘Hey, look at the time! I’ve got fifteen minutes to get to Leicester Square! Great to see you, Richie.’ (Don’t call me that.) ‘Still on for squash on Sunday morning? Great. You going to call her? You are going to call her! Must dash. Later!’
‘Later! Love to Catherine. Don’t sob too hard!’
Bob left the pub backwards, making a telephone gesture as he did so. Richard raised his pint and smiled. A minute or two later he left it, half-full, and caught a cab home to Notting Hill.
0181 348 6523.
‘Hullo?’
‘Sally! Richard here.’
‘Hu-low!’
‘How are you?’
‘Well! Yes! You?’
‘Mmm!’
A pause verging on embarrassing silence.
‘Sally, would you like to have dinner with me? Friday night? At mine?’
‘That would be nice. Why, yes. Thank you. Address? Time? Lovely!’
‘Friday, then.’ And wear those lovely little knickers.
‘Friday.’ And make sure the sheets are fresh.
SIX
With the mock-Georgian folly taking good form on the drawing-board, Richard felt justified, for the first time in his working career, in packing up at lunch-time and taking the afternoon off.
Goodbye Sandra, goodbye Mary. Goodbye, Mr Stonehill. Goodbye navy suit and calf muscles. Sandra plunged herself into a chasm of pessimism rescued only by a chocolate éclair tactfully provided by Mary. No, Mary, he’s far too fit ever to need a doctor. It can only mean a woman.
What a delight, thought Richard, to shop at Sainsbury’s on a weekday afternoon. What a revelation it was that a supermarket could look like that. No obstacle course of trollies and baskets, plenty of everything left, no people-snake at the check-out. No men, realized Richard.
As he trollied his way to the cereals, he thought what a mercy it was that he was unmarried. He pondered how it was that shopping for groceries became such a trial for the married man. On your soap box, Richard, away you go.
Take any ordinary Saturday – tomorrow for instance – they’ll be here in force, frantic and bewildered, chained to The List. It says baked beans so Married Man stops by the baked beans, and regards them. Look at the list, look at the produce, look at the list. Move on a couple of paces, walk backwards knocking over a child before finally plucking two tins of said beans. Place them carefully in the trolley but manage somehow to bruise the avocados in the process. Wipe brow, unscrunch List and go in search of Free-range Eggs. Buy Farm Fresh instead – they’re cheaper after all. Little does M.M. realize that they will ultimately work out twice as dear when Wife sees them, bins them and hollers: ‘FREE-RANGE!’ Don’t they know that there’s a reason for lard, crinkle cut chips, white sliced bread and bumper-pack beer not to be on The List?
Richard Stonehill, I think you will find that a packet of SuperNoodles lurks behind that box of lo-fat, lo-salt, sugar free lite-bran (organic) which you have strategically positioned in your trolley.
It is at the check-out, Richard rued whilst searching for an eco-friendly bleach, where M.M. comes most unstuck. You can see them gaze in wonder at the well-spaced items processing along on the conveyor belt of the female shopper (or that of Mr Stonehill). The contents of M.M.’s trolley are in a veritable profiterole pile as they head towards the black looks of the check-out assistant. M.M. wonders how women know instinctively how to pack – is it passed down from Mother to Daughter?
More to the point, why on earth does M.M. insist on packing eggs and pastry cases, watercress and tomatoes first; soap powder, bottles and tins last? What happens to men when they marry? Richard pondered as he sashayed past the beverages and preserves (choosing Broken Orange Pekoe and Damson Extra respectively). Do these married men – erstwhile bachelors after all – lose all notion, every shred of common sense as to what constitutes a well-stocked larder? Why and how does this innate and irrational fear of supermarkets suddenly develop?
