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There are challenges and potential difficulties in taking your family down an unconventional route like this, but what an education for Kate! What an achievement! What a glorious shared adventure for the whole family to remember and savour for the rest of their lives. That is worth the hassle.
Perhaps the most potentially difficult scenario is that you desperately wish to travel the world but your other half does not, and cannot be persuaded. If you’re lucky you’ll be given their blessing and the freedom to head out and do your own thing, reuniting afterwards in a lovely cocktail of happiness, rainbows and fluffy kittens.
But you may have a partner who – wonderful though they may be – does not want to join you on a trip, and does not want you to go either. This is where things get tricky. I’m not sure my dubious Agony Aunt skills will be much help, but I shall try my best!
You’ll need to mull over a few questions to help everything proceed as amicably and smoothly as possible. This is a kind, decent thing to do, of course. But it’s also your best option for being able to wangle another leave pass to go on an adventure again in the future!
Is it the time away, the money, the risk, the person you’ll be going away with, or the inconvenience of being left to juggle everything back home by themselves?
If it’s the length of time you will be away that is the problem, can you negotiate something that is acceptable for you both? Make the best of the time you’re granted and hatch a plan that is suitably short and sharp. This will rule out cycling round the world, but won’t eliminate everything.
After cycling round the world for four years, it took me a while to learn that duration is not the key measuring stick for a ‘good adventure’. There are many other ingredients to a great trip, and time is not critical to the recipe. It took me 45 days to row across the Atlantic, and a week to walk round the M25. Both were memorable experiences. I personally feel that six weeks is a good minimum amount of time to do something really significant and rewarding. Jason Lewis suggests six months – but then he did spend 13 years on his adventure! Meanwhile climbers can get up and down something special in a couple of weeks. Ultimately, it’s better to do something short than nothing at all.
If it’s not so much the absence of your lovely personality that is the problem but the absence of your useful role in sharing life’s daily chores, can you think of ways to equal up your balance sheet before or after the trip? Bear in mind that you will be perceived to be in debt on this account for the rest of your life, even long after you feel the debt has been settled! It’s the price you’ll have to pay.
If money is the stumbling block, work out between you how much money you can justify spending, then set that as your limit for the trip. You’ll still be able to do something great: doing stuff on a daft budget often makes it more fun anyway. Try pointing out how rich Bear Grylls has become from his adventures. Do not mention that almost nobody else has, though!
If it’s the risk of the adventure that’s causing friction, focus on an idea where the risk (or the perceived risk, at least) is lower. Perceived risk is an interesting concept; people often suggest to me that rowing across the Atlantic in a little boat was very dangerous. But so long as you don’t fall off the boat, it’s really not very dangerous at all, for you are in control of most of the risks. Keep the hatches closed, keep yourself tied to the boat: chances are you’ll be fine.
© Alastair Humphreys
You might know that what you are planning is pretty safe, but the person who loves you may not. A little thoughtful compromise in this department need not dampen the adventure. There is an element of risk in every adventure, of course, just as there is some risk in driving to work each day and massive risk in sitting in front of the TV for years until your heart packs in. The most epic adventures do entail danger. The most prolific adventurers are selfish. It’s up to you to decide where you and your trip are going to lie on the spectrum.
Your choice of expedition partner can be a cause of friction. This is usually for one of two reasons.
1. Your beloved thinks your expedition buddy is a Grade A lunatic who will get you into all sorts of scrapes.
2. Your partner is jealous of your expedition partner, either because you spend waaaaay too much time chatting to each other about your impending adventure and which multi-fuel stove you should buy, or because your expedition partner is worryingly attractive.
Do your best to point out that on an expedition people are smelly, don’t change their pants for weeks, and are too tired to want to do anything except sleep when you squeeze into that too-snug tent in an evening after watching the beautiful sunset slip behind the mountains, just the two of you out there, away from the world, nobody within a thousand miles of you… Be aware that whatever you say will be construed as protesting too much. Of course, you can always suggest to your partner that they can solve this particular problem by coming along with you instead!
Finally, failing that, you’re going to have to split up. You won’t have to endure Pizza Express Couples’ Evenings on Valentine’s Day ever again. You can do all the adventures that you dream of.
But don’t blame me when you’re out in the wild, freezing cold, deeply uncomfortable, starving, scared, stinking, lonely and you find yourself questioning your dramatic decision…
WISE WORDS FROM FELLOW ADVENTURERS
SCOTT PARAZYNSKI
ASTRONAUT AND MOUNTAINEER
There are huge personal rewards in exploration, but they aren’t always enjoyed by your family, and certainly they worry for you deeply when you go away to do these kinds of things. So there is a certain selfishness, I suppose, in exploration. But if it’s done for the right reasons, if there’s some social benefit, some educational benefit... I’ve always tried to have some kind of educational outreach with the things that I’ve done. There can be some broader good as well. There’s nothing wrong with having personal satisfaction with your exploration, either. And when we do go and explore, we come back better people as well. We come back reinvigorated, I think. I came back a better parent, more appreciative of the planet, a better steward of planet Earth.
SATU VÄNSKÄ-WESTGARTH
WHITEWATER KAYAKER TURNED LONG-DISTANCE CYCLIST
[When I was pregnant] the yearning for something, a proper adventure of sorts and the need to hold on to some pieces of the old ‘I used to have a life before the kids too’ kept burning. ‘Are you really going to be away from your kids that long?’ It was an inevitable question but one which I wasn’t prepared for when it first came my way. Not so many people wondered how my main worry, the biking, would go. They wondered how I would survive without the kids. Or the kids without me.
Well, we all survived. I felt more alive than I had for a while, away from the sleep-deprived life of a parent of young kids. I enjoyed being me. Not the mum of so-and-so. Just me. And most mornings I would join my family at the breakfast table at home, virtually, via Skype. ‘Mum goes biking today?’ my little girl would ask. Yes, Mum goes biking. And apparently she was going biking too. To be a good parent or a mum, I don’t have to be with the family 24-7 every day of the year.
The kids need security, love and an example of how life could be lived. The best example I can give them is the one of the true me, the one who dreams of adventures, and goes after her dreams. The one who comes back excited with stories to tell and then takes the whole family on microadventures.
JAMES CASTRISSION
KAYAKED THE TASMAN AND TREKKED TO THE SOUTH POLE AND BACK
I looked at the managers at work who were five years ahead of me, then the partners who were 10 or 15 years older than me, and I looked at the lives they were living and I thought about what was really important to me. I just couldn’t see myself living like that. Conformity has always freaked me out a little bit, so kayaking the Tasman was a way of identifying who I was and what I was capable of doing – and just seeing a bit of the world.
Even at the time, it was the hardest decision I’d ever had to make in my life. If I had to decide now, with a young family, I don’t know if I would have had that will.
I come from a Greek family and my mum and dad had invested so much in my education and had it all planned out for me, really. You go to school, you go to uni, get a good job... To turn my back on that was almost like a bit of a slap in the face for them. Not living up to their expectations, no one understood why I was doing it. That’s what made it so difficult.
SEAN, INGRID AND KATE TOMLINSON
FAMILY CYCLING EXPEDITION FROM ARCTIC CANADA TO PATAGONIA
Sean, our daughter Kate and I cycled from Arctic Canada to the southern tip of Chile on a single bike and a tandem pulling two trailers. We were always inspired by the idea of making a very long journey. We wanted arriving somewhere new and unknown to us every evening to become part of our daily lifestyle. We feared that if we left it a few more years Kate would not want to miss out on school and her social life. This has turned out to be one thing that we were dead right about. We are lucky to get her to ourselves for one day every other weekend now and I’m glad we made the most of her pre-teen years!’
© Alastair Humphreys
Kate offered this perspective on their adventure: ‘My parents took me away because they are crazy. They have been taking me off on adventures for as long as I can remember, although this was the longest.
‘Some of the toughest parts were also the best. The places where we had the hardest times are the moments we look back on with the fondest memories’
If I hadn’t wanted to do it, though, it wouldn’t have happened. I always get a say in the plans. I love looking back on the trip and I often think about it. It was just a way of life for two years. Some of the toughest parts of the trip were also the best parts. Like the places where we had the hardest times or felt scared are the moments we look back on with the fondest memories. I think the trip had a positive effect on my work. My Mum did schoolwork with me for about an hour every day and I had her all to myself. My Dad practised times tables with me on the bike and then asked me questions like how long it would take to get to somewhere depending on how fast we were going. As for subjects like geography and history, well, we didn’t need books because the real thing was right there in front of me. My advice to other parents if you want to travel with kids is try to do it when they are fairly young. I am 13 now and the idea of going away and leaving my friends for two years sounds much harder than back then. I think [the idea that children are not tough enough for a big adventure] is rubbish: I can tell you I was a lot tougher than my Mum and Dad!
CHRIS HERWIG
TRAVELLER AND PHOTOGRAPHER
With the arrival of our second child came the opportunity to take leave. A time for caring for our new bundle of joy, feeding him, changing his diapers and rocking him to sleep. But nowhere was it written that this could not also be a time for a bit of adventure. So we sublet our New York apartment and the four of us hit the vagabond road for a sixmonth, eleven-country round-the-world trip.
Over the six months our eleven pieces of luggage slimmed down to a large backpack and a carry-on as we slowly explored the wonders of Vietnam, Cambodia, Burma and New Zealand by train, boat, car, tuk-tuk, foot, bike, elephant and horse. We learned a great deal trying to overcome some of the challenges that came with travelling with two young kids, some of which were scary, some frustrating, but mostly fun. What to pack, where to go next, how to get there, how to make a three-year-old happy, how to keep all of us (especially the baby) safe while also having a bit of fun ourselves and proving the point that life does not have to change completely as soon as kids arrive.
KIRSTIE PELLING
6,000 MILES OF FAMILY CYCLING ACROSS THE GLOBE
An adventure is much more fun when you have kids along – in fact, in our experience they are the key to getting to know the world. They’re also often better at things than you are, as we recently found out in the Pyrenees when the kids left us way behind on the mountain.
MARK KALCH
PADDLING THE LONGEST RIVER ON EACH CONTINENT
Something like the Upper Nile and the Yangtze, which I’ll have to paddle, are two rivers that are ridiculously difficult. They have an element of danger. Decisions based on how this might affect my kids or my family will certainly have to be taken. But most of the time I am paddling in nice weather, eating as many chocolate bars as I want to, meeting really cool people and essentially just having a paddling holiday.
PAULA CONSTANT
WALKED FOR THREE YEARS FROM THE UK TO THE SAHARA
I was married when I left London. My husband and I left together. We walked the first year together. A month into the trip through the Sahara our marriage broke up. Gary left and I continued walking on my own. I don’t have a fixed opinion on whether one should do a trip with a romantic partner or not. I think it entirely depends upon the couple, the expedition, and everything. I think there are virtues to both. The first year, it meant the world to me to have a partner to walk with. And I’m not sure to this day whether or not I would have had the courage to leave on my own. Having said that, I was absolutely and utterly frustrated by the time a year had gone past. And, I would say, travel certainly heightens any trouble with a couple.
RIAAN MANSER
ROWED FROM AFRICA TO NEW YORK WITH HIS WIFE
When I look at the rowing now, I just think that [going solo] would be a step too far for me. On the topic of taking a friend with me: I think I romanticise the idea. I love the idea of taking a buddy, but that buddy would have to be a really good friend because I know what you have to go through. I’m actually glad that I took my wife, Vasti, because we did something special together. If I were to choose again, without a doubt I’d take my wife.
ANT GODDARD
DROVE AROUND THE USA WITH HIS YOUNG FAMILY
I’ve been able to work remotely while travelling, so some days I’ll have to sit in a park or coffee shop working while my wife and son get to enjoy the local sites, but work has been super-flexible and that’s definitely helped fund the trip.
GRANT ‘AXE’ RAWLINSON
HUMAN-POWERED EXPEDITIONS BEGINNING AND ENDING ON INTERESTING MOUNTAIN SUMMITS
I treated my wife even more like a princess than I normally do until she gave me permission to go on the trip!
MATT PRIOR
DROVE TO MONGOLIA IN A £150 CAR
Family-wise, my dad didn’t talk to me for a while. He thought I was being an idiot taking this risk when I had a good career [as a fighter pilot] laid out in front of me. I put this down to a generational thing: he’s used to it now and I always come back in one piece so it can’t be that bad!
© Alastair Humphreys
© Alastair Humphreys
SOLO OR WITH FRIENDS?
WISE WORDS FROM FELLOW ADVENTURERS
SEAN CONWAY
SWAM THE LENGTH OF BRITAIN, CYCLED ROUND THE WORLD
I think the benefits of travelling alone include… The freedom to change plans whenever you like and you get to live the adventure you want to live. If I had to choose, I prefer travelling alone because I often like to do long days, which isn’t for everyone.
SHIRINE TAYLOR
CYCLING ROUND THE WORLD
I think the benefits of travelling alone include…Learning more about yourself and gaining a sense of independence. When you are alone you realise that you can get through any situation. You are also able to truly figure out who you are and what you want when you are solely focused on yourself.
Whilst the advantages of going with someone else include…
It’s impossible to explain to an outsider how it feels to sleep in a slum, or to cycle up a two-day pass, so it’s nice to have someone alongside you who gets it.
You have someone to cuddle up with at night!
If I had to choose… That’s a hard one. I absolutely love travelling alone and will definitely be doing more of it throughout my life, but now that I have found ‘my person’ I wouldn’t give him up for the world. I think it’s important for everyone to travel alone at least once since it’s such an eye-opening, incredible experience.
© Alastair Humphreys
ANNA HUGHES
BOTH CYCLED AND SAILED 4,000 MILES AROUND THE COASTLINE OF GREAT BRITAIN
I think the benefits of travelling alone include…
People tend to offer help more if you are travelling alone.
Whilst the advantages of going with someone else include…
Sharing the views makes them more real, somehow. If I had to choose, I would go alone, because I am fiercely independent and want to do things my way! And the satisfaction of accomplishing something by yourself is wonderful.
HELEN LLOYD
ADVENTURES BY BIKE, HORSE, RIVER AND ON FOOT
The advantages of going with someone else include…
It’s safer to go places that would be difficult or more dangerous alone.
If I had to choose, I would go alone because of the freedom, but it’s still easy enough to find someone to do stuff with if I want to. So it’s the best of both worlds.
JAMIE MCDONALD
RAN 5,000 MILES ACROSS CANADA
I think the benefits of travelling alone include…Embracing the adventure, and everything around you more. You only have to focus on one person: you. Selfishly, that can be nice.
IAN PACKHAM
CIRCUMNAVIGATED AFRICA BY PUBLIC TRANSPORT
I think the benefits of travelling alone include…Gaining a much better, deeper insight into and interaction with locals and local life.
Whilst the advantages of going with someone else include…
Adopting new ideas and picking up new skills from that person. Sharing costs!
If I had to choose, I would go alone, simply for the ease of being able to go without any pre-planning.
DAVE CORNTHWAITE
