јнглийский с улыбкой. ќхотничьи рассказы / Tales of the Long Bow
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© ѕирогов ћ. —., адаптаци€ текста, комментарии, словарь, 2016
© ќќќ Ђ»здательство ј—“ї, 2016
Chapter I. The unpresentable appearance of colonel crane
These stories tell about things recognized as impossible to do. If the writer just said that they happened, without saying how they happened, nobody would believe him, just like no one believes the story about the cow who jumped over the moon.
The first story begins on a straight road of bright houses in a suburb of a big city. The time was about twenty minutes to eleven on Sunday morning, when a procession of suburban families in Sunday clothes were going up the road to church. And the man was a very respectable retired military man named Colonel Crane, who was also going to church, as he had done every Sunday at the same hour for many years. He was dressed very elegantly for church as if for parade; but his clothes did not stand out in any way. He was quite handsome in a dry, sun-baked style; but his blond hair was of a colourless sort, and though his blue eyes were clear, they looked out a little heavily under lowered eyelids.
Colonel Crane belonged to the previous age in the history of England. He was not really old, indeed he was hardly middle-aged, and had received his last medals for the Great War1
When he came out of his front door on that particular morning, he was twisting a piece of paper in his fingers and frowning. Instead of walking straight to his garden gate he walked once or twice up and down his front garden, swinging his black walking-stick. The note had been given to him at breakfast, and it clearly described some practical problem which he needed to solve immediately. He stood for a few minutes looking at a red flower on of the nearest flower-bed; and then a new expression came to his bronzed face.Folding up the paper and putting it into his pocket, he walked round the house to the back garden. Behind the back garden there was a kitchen-garden, in which an old servant named Archer was working as a gardener.
Archer was also a bastion. Indeed, the two had stood together through a number of things that had killed many other good people. But though they had gone through the war together and had a complete confidence in each other, Archer could never lose the manners of a servant. He performed the duties of a gardener as if he were a butler. He really performed the duties very well and enjoyed them very much. Perhaps he enjoyed them so much because he was a clever Cockney2
УI hope youТre not working on Sunday,Ф said the Colonel, with a much more pleasant smile than most people got from him, though he was always polite to everybody. УYouТre getting too fond of this agricultural hobby. YouТve become an uncultured peasant.Ф
УI was preparing to examine the cabbages, sir,Ф replied the uncultured peasant, in a very polite intonation. УTheir condition yesterday evening did not look satisfactory to me.Ф
УGlad you didnТt spend the whole night near them,Ф answered the Colonel. УBut itТs lucky youТre interested in cabbages. I want to talk to you about cabbages.Ф
УAbout cabbages, sir?Ф asked the other respectfully.
But the Colonel did not answer this question. He was suddenly looking in an abstracted way at another object in the vegetable plots in front of him.
We will never understand how a manТs soul and social type always affect his surroundings. Anyhow, the soul of Mr. Archer affected the kitchen-garden. It made his kitchen-garden different from any other. Mr. Archer was after all a practical man, and he liked his new profession much more than we would think.
So the kitchen-garden did not look like somebodyТs backyard, it really looked like a corner of a farm in the country. All sorts of practical devices were used there to protect the vegetables and berries from birds. Strawberries were covered with nets, strings with feathers were stretched across the plots, and in the middle of the biggest plot stood an old and authentic scarecrow. Perhaps the only one who could compete with the scarecrow for the crown of the kitchen-garden was the shapeless South Sea idol, which marked the border of the gardenТs territory. Colonel Crane would not have been such a typical officer of the old army, if he had not hidden somewhere a hobby connected with his travels. His hobby was folklore of the Oceanic islands and he had a souvenir from there in his garden. At the moment, however, he was not looking at the idol. He was looking at the scarecrow.
УBy the way, Archer,Ф he said, УdonТt you think the scarecrow needs a new hat?Ф
УI think it is hardly necessary, sir,Ф said the gardener gravely.
УBut look here,Ф said the Colonel, Уyou should consider the philosophy of scarecrows. In theory, that thing is supposed to convince some rather simple-minded bird that I am walking in my garden. That thing with a terrible hat is me. Perhaps, it is a little bit sketchy. Some sort of impressionist portrait. But it is hardly likely to impress. A man with a hat like that would never be really firm with a sparrow. Conflict of wills, and all that, and I bet the sparrow would be the winner. By the way, whatТs that stick tied on to it?Ф
УI believe, sir,Ф said Archer, Уthat it is supposed to represent a gun.Ф
УIt is holding it wrong,Ф remarked Crane. УA man with a hat like that would miss for sure.Ф
УDo you want me to buy another hat?Ф asked the patient Archer.
УNo, no,Ф answered his master carelessly. УSince the poor fellow has such a rotten hat, IТll give him mine. Like the scene of St. Martin and the beggar3
УGive him yours,Ф repeated Archer respectfully, but very quietly.
The Colonel took off his polished top-hat and gravely placed it on the head of the Oceanic idol at his feet. It had a strange effect of making the grotesque piece of stone look alive, as if a goblin in a top-hat was grinning at the garden.
УDo you think the hat shouldnТt be quite new?Ф he asked almost anxiously. УNot usual among the best scarecrows, perhaps. Well, letТs see what we can do to make it a little older.Ф
He raised his walking-stick above his head and hit the silk hat with a loud smack, smashing it over the empty eyes of the idol.
УSoftened with the touch of time now, I think,Ф he remarked, holding out what remained of the silken hat to the gardener. УPut it on the scarecrow, my friend; I donТt want it. You can be a witness that itТs no use to me.Ф
Archer obeyed like a robot. A robot with rather round eyes.
УWe must hurry up,Ф said the Colonel cheerfully. УI was early for church, but IТm afraid IТm a bit late now.Ф
УDid you plan to attend church without a hat, sir?Ф asked the other.
УCertainly not. Most disrespectful,Ф said the Colonel. УNobody should neglect to remove his hat when he enters church. Well, if I donТt have a hat, I will neglect to remove it. Where is your logic this morning? No, no, just dig up one of your cabbages.Ф
Once more the well-trained servant managed to repeat the word УCabbagesФ with his own polite intonation; but he couldnТt say it very loudly at the moment.
УYes, go and pull up a cabbage, please,Ф said the Colonel. УI must really be going; I believe I heard the clock strike eleven.Ф
Mr. Archer moved heavily in the direction of a plot of cabbages, where many monstrous contours and many colours were open to the eye; objects, perhaps, more worthy of the philosophic eye than is usually taken into account. Vegetables are curious-looking things and less trivial than they sound. If we called a cabbage a cactus, or some other exotic name, we might see it as an equally exotic thing.
The Colonel revealed these philosophical truths by dragging a great, green cabbage with its long root out of the earth, before the dubious Archer had time to do it. He then picked up a knife and cut short the long tail of the root. After that he cut out the inside leaves to create some empty space, and gravely reversing it, placed it on his head. Napoleon and other military princes have crowned themselves; and he, like the Caesars, wore a wreath that was, after all, made of green leaves or vegetation. There can be other historical parallels, of course, if the reader is ready to look at such a hat without judgement.
The people going to church certainly looked at it; but they did not look at it without judgement. They followed the Colonel as he walked almost cheerfully up the road, with feelings that no philosophy could for the moment describe. There seemed to be nothing to be said, except that one of the most respectable and respected of their neighbours, one who might even be called in a quiet way an example of good manners if not a leader of fashion, was walking solemnly up to church with a cabbage on the top of his head.
There was indeed no general action to meet the crisis. In their world a crowd could not gather to shout or to attack someone. No rotten eggs could be collected from their tidy breakfast-tables; and they were not those people who could throw old cabbage leaves at the cabbage. Each of these men lived alone and they could not create an angry crowd. For miles around there were no public houses4
When the Colonel approached the church porch and prepared respectfully to remove his vegetarian hat, he was greeted in a tone a little more cheerful than the everyday friendly manners of his neighbours. He responded to the greeting without embarrassment, and paused for a moment when the man who had spoken to him decided to continue speeking. This was a young doctor named Horace Hunter, tall, handsomely dressed, and confident in manners. Though his face was rather ordinary and his hair rather red, he was considered to have a certain charm.
УGood morning, Colonel,Ф said the doctor more loudly than usual, Уwhat a fЕ what a fine day it is.Ф
Stars turned from their courses like comets, so to speak, and the world moved towards wilder variants, at that crucial moment when Dr. Hunter corrected himself and said, УWhat a fine day!Ф instead of УWhat a funny hat!Ф The reason why he corrected himself, a true picture of what passed through his mind might sound rather exotic in itself. It would be less than enough to say he did so because of a long grey car waiting outside the ColonelТs house. It might not be a complete explanation to say it was because of a lady walking on stilts at a garden party. It might still not be clear, even if we said that it had something to do with a nickname; nevertheless all these things mixed together in the medical gentlemanТs mind when he made his decision. Above all, it might or might not be sufficient explanation to say that Horace Hunter was a very ambitious young man, that the ring in his voice and the confidence in his manner came from a very simple resolution to rise in the world.
He liked to be seen talking so confidently to Colonel Crane on that Sunday parade. Crane was comparatively poor, but he knew People. And people who knew People knew what People were doing now; while people who didnТt know People could only wonder what in the world People would do next. A lady who came with the Duchess when she opened the local market had nodded to Crane and said, УHello, Stork,Ф and the doctor had decided that it was a sort of family joke and not a small ornithological mistake. And it was the Duchess who had started all that racing on stilts, which the Vernon-Smiths had introduced at their house. But it would have been devilish awkward not to know what Mrs. Vernon-Smith meant when she said, УOf course you stilt.Ф You never knew what they would start next. It was strange to imagine that he would ever begin to see vegetable hats here and there, but you never could tell. His first medical impulse was to add a straitjacket to the ColonelТs unusual costume. But Crane did not look like a madman, and certainly did not look like a man who was joking. He took it quite naturally. And one thing was certain:if it really was the latest fashion thing, the doctor must take it as naturally as the Colonel did. So he said it was a fine day, and was very happy to learn that there was no disagreement on that question.
The doctorТs dilemma, if we may use the phrase, was the whole neighbourhoodТs dilemma. The doctorТs decision was also the whole neighbourhoodТs decision. It was not so much that most of the good people there shared HunterТs serious social ambitions, but rather that negative and cautious decisions were natural for them. They did not want other people to bother them about how they lived; and they followed the same principle by not bothering others. They also felt that the polite and respectable military gentleman would not be a very easy person to bother. The result was that the Colonel carried his monstrous green hat about the streets of that suburb for nearly a week, and nobody ever mentioned the subject to him. It was about the end of that time (while the doctor had been scanning the horizon for aristocrats crowned with cabbage, and, not seeing any, was collecting his courage to speak) that the final interruption came, and with the interruption the explanation.
The Colonel looked like he had completely forgotten all about the hat. He took it off and put it on like any other hat; he hung it on the hat-peg in his narrow front hall where there was nothing else but his sword and an old brown map of the seventeenth century. He gave it to Archer when that loyal man insisted on his official right to hold it. Archer did not insist on his official right to brush it, because he was afraid it could fall to pieces; but he occasionally gave it a cautious shake, accompanied by a look of restrained dislike. But the Colonel himself never showed any signs of either liking or disliking it. The unconventional thing had already become one of his conventions Ц the conventions which he never thought about enough to break. So it is probable that what at last happened was as much of a surprise to him as to anybody. Anyway, the explanation, or explosion, came in the following way.
Mr. Vernon-Smith was a small, neat gentleman with a big nose, dark moustache, and dark eyes with a constant expression of anxiety, though nobody knew what he was so anxious about in his very solid social life. He was a friend of Dr. Hunter; you could almost say a humble friend. He had the negative snobbishness that could only admire the positive and progressive snobbishness of that social figure. A man like Dr. Hunter likes to have a man like Mr. Smith, because he can pose as a perfect man of the world before him. What is more extraordinary is that a man like Mr. Smith really likes to have a man like Dr. Hunter to pose and to show his superiority. Anyhow, at one moment Vernon-Smith decided to hint that the new hat of his neighbour Crane did not look like it was from a fashion magazine. And Dr. Hunter, bursting with his secrets, called this idea stupid and made jokes about it. With calculated, confident gestures, with large phrases full of allusions, he left on his friendТs mind the impression that the whole social world would be destroyed, if anyone said a word on such a delicate topic. Mr. Vernon-Smith formed a general idea that the Colonel would explode with a loud bang at the slightest hint on vegetables, or any word which sounded just a little bit like СhatТ. As usually happens in such cases, the words he was forbidden to say repeated themselves constantly in his mind with the rhythm of his pulse. At the moment he wanted to call all houses hats and all visitors vegetables.
When Crane came out of his front gate that morning he found his neighbour Vernon-Smith standing outside, between a tree and a lamp-post, talking to a young lady, a distant cousin of his family. This girl was an art student Ц a little too independent for the standards of this neighbourhood. Her brown hair was cut very short, and the Colonel did not admire short haircuts. On the other hand, she had a rather attractive face, with honest brown eyes a little too wide apart, which diminished the impression of beauty but increased the impression of honesty. She also had a very fresh and natural voice, and the Colonel had often heard it calling out scores at tennis on the other side of the garden wall. In some way it made him feel old; at least, he was not sure whether he felt older than he was, or younger than he was supposed to be. It was not until they met under the lamp-post that he knew her name was Audrey Smith; and he was thankful for the simple short name. Mr. Vernon-Smith presented her, and very nearly said:УMay I introduce my cabbage?Ф instead of Уmy cousin.Ф
The Colonel, without a change in his intonation, said it was a fine day. And his neighbour, happy to escape from a very difficult situation, continued the conversation cheerfully. His manner, like when he came to local meetings and committees, was at once hesitating and confident.
УThis young lady is going into Art,Ф he said; Уa poor prospect, isnТt it? I expect we will see her drawing in chalk on the pavement and expecting us to throw a penny into the Ц into a tray, or something.Ф Here he escaped from another danger. УBut of course, she thinks sheТs going to be a Royal Academician5
УI hope not,Ф said the young woman hotly. УPavement artists are much more honest than most of the Royal Academicians.Ф
УI wish those friends of yours didnТt give you such revolutionary ideas,Ф said Mr. Vernon-Smith. УMy cousin knows the most dreadful eccentrics, vegetarians and Ц mad Socialists.Ф He decided to say it, feeling that vegetarians were not quite the same as vegetables; and he felt sure the Colonel would share his horror of Socialists.
УPeople who want to be equal, and all that. What I say is Ц weТre not equal and we never can be. As I always say to Audrey Ц if all the property were divided tomorrow, it would go back into the same hands the next day. ItТs a law of nature, and if a man thinks he can get round a law of nature, why, heТs talking through his Ц I mean, heТs as mad as a Ц У
Trying to escape from the image in his head, he was searching madly in his mind for the alternative of a March hare6
УAs mad as Colonel CraneТs hatter.Ф
It is not unjust to Mr. Vernon-Smith to say that he ran as from a dynamite explosion. It would be unjust to say that he left a lady in distress, because she did not look in the least like a distressed lady, and he himself was a very distressed gentleman. He tried to ask her to go indoors, and then vanished there himself with a random apology. But the other two took no notice of him; they continued to confront each other, and both were smiling.
УI think you must be the bravest man in England,Ф she said. УI donТt mean anything about the war, or your medal and all that; I mean about this. Oh, yes, I know a little about this, but thereТs one thing I donТt know. Why do you do it?Ф
УI think it is you who are the bravest woman in England,Ф he answered, Уor, at any rate, the bravest person in these parts. IТve walked about this town for a week, feeling like the last fool on Earth, and expecting somebody to say something. And not a soul has said a word. They all seem to be afraid of saying the wrong thing.Ф
УI think theyТre deadly,Ф said Miss Smith. УAnd if they donТt have cabbages for hats, itТs only because they have turnips for heads.Ф
УNo,Ф said the Colonel gently, УI have many generous and friendly neighbours here, including your cousin. Believe me, there is a reason why people have conventions, and the world is wiser than you know. You are too young not to be intolerant. But I can see youТve got the fighting spirit; that is the best part of youth and intolerance.Ф
УYou see, I canТt keep calm when they say all these polished vulgarities about everything Ц look at what he said about Socialism.Ф answered the girl.
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