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488 Rules for Life: The Thankless Art of Being Correct
Kitty Flanagan
488 Rules for Life is Kitty Flanagan's way of making the world a more pleasant place to live. Providing you with the antidote to every annoying little thing, these rules are not made to be broken. 488 Rules for Life is not a self-help book, because it's not you who needs help, it's other people. Whether they're walking and texting, asphyxiating you on public transport with their noxious perfume cloud, or leaving one useless square of toilet paper on the roll, a lot of people just don't know the rules. But thanks to Kitty Flanagan's comprehensive guide to modern behaviour, our world will soon be a much better place. A place where people don't ruin the fruit salad by putting banana in it … where your co-workers respect your olfactory system and don't reheat their fish curry in the office microwave … where middle aged men don't have ponytails … Other rules to live by include: 1. Men must wear shorts over leggingsThe gym is no place for people to discover whether or not you are circumcised. That’s a private discussion for another place and time. 2. Team bonding activities should be optionalSome people love it when management decides that an afternoon of bowling or paintballing or (god forbid) karaoke will help everyone work better as a team. Others would rather be dead. 3. Don’t ever mention your ‘happy place’To me, this sounds less like a pleasant, fun state of mind and more like some kind of utopian wank palace you’ve had built in the basement. What started as a personal joke is now a quintessential reference book with the power to change society. (Or, at least, make it a bit less irritating. ) What people are (Kitty Flanagan is) saying about this book: 'You're welcome everyone. ' 'Thank god for me. ' 'I'd rather be sad and lonely, but right. ' 'There's not actually 488 rules in here but it sure feels like it'.
Copyright (#ulink_10a89b40-a6a3-5e4b-b451-cd1b7f606ebf)
Neither the author nor the publisher has any connection with either Jordan Peterson, the author of 12 Rules for Life, or the publisher of that book, and readers must not interpret anything in this book as giving rise to any such connection.
HarperCollinsPublishers
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First published in Australia by Allen & Unwin 2019
This edition HarperCollinsPublishers 2019
FIRST EDITION
© Kitty Flanagan 2019
Cover design by Tohby Riddle © HarperCollinsPublishers 2019
Cover illustration © Tohby Riddle
Internal illustrations by Tohby Riddle
A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library
Kitty Flanagan asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
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Source ISBN: 9780008391836
Ebook Edition © November 2019 ISBN: 9780008391843
Version 2019-11-12
Dedication (#ulink_3e336ff7-c54c-526c-a267-5ae580a25723)
For Marmee
Contents
Cover (#u8cb5d28a-b178-5d0c-a9aa-a24883c90a2a)
Title Page (#ue3f75801-7fe6-5c1f-b5e8-de1eb0b7874c)
Copyright
Dedication
A word from the author
How to use this book
THE FUNDAMENTAL RULE
AROUND THE HOME
HEALTH & LIFESTYLE
AT THE OFFICE
LANGUAGE
PLANES, TRAINS & AUTOMOBILES
FOOD
RELATIONSHIPS & DATING
PARENTING
FASHION
AT THE MOVIES
AT THE SHOPS
TECHNOLOGY
SPORT
PARTIES & CELEBRATIONS
HOLIDAYS & TRAVEL
ART & ENTERTAINMENT
THE FINAL RULE
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Other Books By
About the Publisher
A word from the author (#ulink_bcf70cdb-15be-538b-911e-c2c197346075)
This book started out as a five-minute segment on ABC TV’s The Weekly program, it was inspired by the bestselling book 12 Rules for Life and it was a joke. I took issue with the fact that author, Jordan Peterson, only had twelve rules. Twelve? For life? That’s madness, I have more than twelve rules just for the bathroom.
After the segment aired, I kept being stopped by people wanting to know where they could buy this book (that didn’t actually exist) called 488 Rules for Life. It was suddenly apparent that I wasn’t the only crackpot out there who loves rules. So I decided to do the book for real. But it’s still a joke. Even I admit that 488 is a lot of rules and obviously no one will like all of the rules, but I’m pretty sure everyone will like some of the rules. And when you do hit a particular rule that resonates, it will make you feel really good—you’ll enjoy the fact that someone else gets as annoyed or outraged or exhausted by the same things you do.
If, by some chance, you manage to read the entire book and don’t find a single rule you agree with and instead keep thinking, I don’t get why she’s so irritated by people? Why can’t she just live and let live? that’s okay, that’s your prerogative … as long as you understand you are probably really annoying a lot of people around you with your unbearable positivity and your ‘I love everything’ attitude.
I think, deep down, people are crying out for rules. Once it was commonplace to look to published guides for advice on behaviour, protocol and etiquette. Guides produced by recognised authorities, such as Debrett’s in the United Kingdom and Emily Post in the United States. Even in Australia we had our very own Miss Manners, the formidable June Dally-Watkins—I met her once, she didn’t say hello, she just looked me up and down and told me in no uncertain terms I should never wear a white bra under a white shirt. ‘Always nude, dear, always nude.’
But these days there is no such guide in circulation, and I believe the rise in rude behaviour and the lack of basic courtesy we are witnessing in the modern world is quite possibly due to ignorance. If you don’t know the rules, how are you supposed to abide by them?
Which is why I say, thank god for me. Now, with this comprehensive reference book at your fingertips, there can be no excuse for bad behaviour. Whenever you’re unsure about the right way to behave, whenever you want to know what not to do in any given situation, simply turn to 488 Rules for Life. The answer is bound to be in here somewhere.
How to use this book (#ulink_2bc45b3b-c0d6-5def-921a-75e2cf2e262f)
This book is divided into sections and within each section you will find a range of rules. Some are fairly basic, things that everyone should already know; others are more specific and are for the people I call genuine rule enthusiasts. And occasionally you will come across rules so particular and persnickety that only absolute zealots like myself will be able to get on board. I have separated these into special sealed sections so that the more tolerant reader can avoid them easily.
Whatever level of rule disciple you are, know that reading this book and observing these rules will definitely make the world a nicer place. I also guarantee you will be better looking and better informed; in fact, you’ll be a better human overall. So think of it as a self-help book, only you don’t have to give up sugar, buy expensive exercise equipment or keep a diary of your dreams. All you have to do is speak up when you see someone breaking the rules. A gentle but friendly reminder is all it takes: ‘Hey buddy! Rule number 266—no sunglasses on the back of your neck, cheers mate, just letting you know.’ There’s no need to be rude or confrontational about it, keep it light—remember, like me, you’re here to help.
THE FUNDAMENTAL RULE (#ulink_5b7ebaeb-269f-55bc-b3f2-b218f6984dd1)
1
If you don’t agree with a rule, forget about it, move on to the next one
Whatever you do, don’t get angry and start bleating on social media about how it would be impossible to live your life by these 488 rules. That’s not what this book is about.
AROUND THE HOME (#ulink_d89171f5-3b98-5b0f-80f8-6ac36a15d942)
GENERAL HOUSE RULES
2
Football jerseys are not art
Don’t frame them. And definitely don’t hang them on the wall.
3
Don’t waste your money on surround sound
Nobody cares, guys. And I say guys because it is usually guys who insist on surround sound. When I’m watching TV, I find it weird if the sound isn’t coming from the television. After all, the person walking on the television is on the television, in front of me, so it’s really creepy to hear footsteps behind me or, indeed, all around me.
Same goes for those elaborate sound systems that people (again, usually men) install. The ones where they wire up the entire house with speakers in every room so they can pipe their chunes throughout. It’s not a department store, it’s just your house, you don’t need the music to follow you around wherever you go. Spend your money on nice ham instead.
4
You don’t need a media room or home cinema
Just watch television in the lounge room like a normal person. Or go to the cinema.
5
Supersizing is for beverages not family portraits
There are many businesses that will blow up your family photo onto an enormous canvas, but that doesn’t mean you should get one. A few regular-sized photos will do just fine; you don’t want to turn your living room into some kind of in-memoriam shrine.
6
Don’t complain about your cleaner
Having a cleaner is one of life’s greatest luxuries and if you can afford one you should be extremely grateful. And no matter how lax you might think your cleaner is, remember, it’s still better than mopping your own kitchen floor or scrubbing your own bathroom and pulling your own disgusting hair-monster out of the plughole.
7
Wait a week before accusing your cleaner of stealing
People always accuse the cleaner. Never to their face but behind their back in hushed tones to their friends: ‘I think the cleaner might have taken my necklace/favourite plate/earring/five bucks/tape measure/spatula, etc.’
Your cleaner is not stupid, cleaners know they will always be number one on the suspect list, which is why I guarantee the cleaner did not take your stuff.
Here’s the more likely scenario: you’ve put your necklace/favourite plate/earring/five bucks/tape measure/spatula somewhere you don’t usually put it and then done what all middle-aged people do—completely forgotten where you put it.
Give it a week; whatever the cleaner has ‘stolen’ will turn up.
8
Flags are not curtains
A flag in the window is a tell-tale sign that backpackers have moved in. And if the NSW tourism department is at all interested in my amateur research, I would say that based on the number of flag curtains in my area, the majority of visitors to Bondi Junction are coming from Ireland and Brazil. Welcome to you all … now please go buy some curtains.
9
Glamour shots belong in a drawer
First, think very carefully about whether you really need a soft-focus, glassy-eyed shot of yourself dressed in high heels and a feather boa, kneeling on a whorish-looking bed surrounded by red satin cushions. And then think even more carefully about whether you need to put that photo on display anywhere.
THE BATHROOM
10
Your bathroom must have a door
