F. Anstey.

Puppets at Large: Scenes and Subjects from Mr Punch's Show





'Arry (on tour from Town to his admiring friend). I say, Charley, what d'yer bet I don't talk to some of these chaps in their own lingo?

Charley. What a fellow you are! Mind what you are about, that's all.

'Arry (going up to an elderly person in the only Scotch cap visible). Hech, Sair, but yon's a braw bonnie wee bit piggie fur a body to tak' a richt gude wullie waucht wi' gin ye meet him comin' thro' the rye!

The Person in the Scotch Cap (who happens to be a retired Colonel in a Highland Regiment, who is somewhat careless in his attire). I think you will find that sort of thing better appreciated after you've got home.

['Arry returns to Charley, feeling much smaller than he allows his friend to perceive.

THE COUNTRY OF COCKAIGNE

A Monologue With a Moral
An airless Court in a London back Street. Time August

Jimmy (aged eight, to Florrie, aged seven). No, I ain't comin' to the Reckereation Groun', not jess yit, I carn't I'm goin' ter wyte about 'ere till the lidy comes Why, 'er as is comin' to see my Muvver 'bout sendin' me fur a fortnight in the kerntry Yus, where I was larst year It's settled as I'm ter go agine leastways as good as settled. My Farver 'e've sent in a happlication to the K'mitty, and Teacher 'e sez 'e kin reckermend me, an' Mr. and Mrs. Delves them as 'ad the cottidge where I went afore they've arst fur to 'ave me agin so you see, Florrie, it's all right. On'y I carn't settle to nuffink afore I know when I'm goin', an' about the trine an' that. Yer 'ave to roide in a trine to git to the kerntry, yer know Wot, ain't yer never bin there?.. Yer'd wanter fawst enough if yer knoo what it was loike There's grorss there, an' trees an' that Na-ow, a lot better 'n the Reckereation Groun' that's all mide outer old grivestones as the deaders 'as done wiv. There's 'ills an' bushes an' 'edges where yer can pick flowers There ain't no perlice to git yer locked up An' everyfink smells so lovelly, kinder 'elthy like it mikes yer feel 'ungry Not like sassages an' inions azackly 'tain't that sorter smell On'y 'ere and there, an' yer'd 'ardly tell they was shops, they kerry 'em on that quoiet Yer wouldn' call it poky if yer was there. Mr. Delves 'e was a kind man, 'e was; mide me a whistle out a sickermore brornch, 'e did; and Mrs. Delves, she lemme help her feed the chickings They 'ad a garding beyind, an' there'd bin rasberries an' gooseberries a growin' on bushes strite, there 'ad I ain't tellin' yer no lies on'y they was all gone by then. An' they 'ad a dog Rover 'is nime was 'e was a koind dog, lemme lay insoide of 'is kennel orfen, 'e would I'd like ter 'ave a run over thet Common agen, too. I dessay as I shell p'reps the d'y arter to-morrer There's a pond on it, an' geese, an' they comes at yer a stritching out their necks an' a-'issin' thet sevidge Na-ow, yer've on'y got ter walk up to 'em, an' they goes orf, purtendin' they took yer fur somebody else, an' wasn't meanin' no offence.

I ain't afride o' no geese, I ain't nor yet Lily wasn't neither. We sor a pig 'aving a ring put froo 'is nose one day. 'E 'ollered out like 'e was bein' killed but 'e wasn't. An' there was a blecksmiff's, where they put the 'orse's shoes on red 'ot, 'an the 'orse 'e never took no notice. Me and Lily used ter go fur long walks, all under trees. Once she showed me a squill "squerl" she kep' a-calling of it, till I tole 'er 'ow an' it run up a tree zigzag, and jumped on to another ever so fur. That was when we was pickin' nuts. We went a blackberryin', too, one day Na-ow, there warn't nobody dead. An' Lily Lily Delves 'er nime was, b'longed to them I was stoppin' wiv I didn't notice partickler Older nor you, an' bigger, and lots redder 'bout the cheeks She wasn't a bad sort fur a gal I dunno; I liked all on 'em Well, there was Farmer Furrows, 'e was very familiar, said as 'ow I might go inter 'is horchard and pick the happles up as was layin' there jest fur the askin'. An' Bob Rumble, 'im as druv Mr. Kennister the grocer's cart, 'e used ter gimme a roide along of 'im when 'e was tikin' round porcels an' that. We'd go along lanes that 'igh yer couldn't see nuffink fur leaves; and once 'e druv along a Pork with tremenjus big trees in it, an' stagses walkin' about underneath with grite big 'orns Suthink like 'im as is drawed outside the public round the corner on'y they warn't none o' them gold. I 'speck them gold ones is furrin' An' the grub we 'ad beekstike pudd'n o' Sundays, an' as much bread an' treacle every day as ever I could eat, and I was 'ungry when I was in the kerntry An' when I come away Mrs. Delves, she gethered me a big noseguy fur to tike 'ome to Muvver kissantimums, merrigoles, an' dyliers, all sorts there was an' Murver she put 'em in a jug, and soon as ever I shet my eyes an' sniffed, I could see that garding and Rover and Lily as plinebut they went bad, an' 'ad to be froed aw'y at larst. I shall see 'em all agine very soon now, though, won't thet be proime, eh?.. Whatsy? 'Ere, Florrie, you ain't croying, are yer?.. Why don't yer arsk yer Farver if 'e won't let you go Oh, I thought as yer wanted to go. Then what are yer ?.. No, I ain't gled to git aw'y from you A-course I shell be gled to see 'er; but that ain't why, it's jest You ain't never bin in the kerntry, or you'd know 'ow I'm feelin' There's the lidy comin' now. I must cut across an' 'ear what she sez to Muvver. Don' tike on 'tain't o'ny fur a fortnight, anyway Look 'ere, I got suthink' for yer, Florrie, bought it orf a man what 'ad a tray on 'em it's a wornut, d'ye see? Now open it ain't them two little choiner dolls noice, eh?.. I'd rorther you 'ad it nor 'er, strite, I would!.. I'll be back in a minnit.

After an Interval of Twenty-four Hours.

No, I ain't bin nowhere particular Settled? yus, it's all settled 'bout me goin' ter the kerntry To-morrer? no, I ain't goin' to-morrer Nex' week? not as I knows on You wanter know sech a lot, you do!.. If I do tell yer, you'll on'y go an' larf Well, I ain't goin' at all now I 'ope you're pleased What's the good o' bein' sorry?.. Oh, I don't keer much, I don't Set down on this step alonger me, then, and don't you go saying nuffink, or I'll stop tellin' of yer You remember me goin' in yes'day arternoon to 'ear what the lidy said? Well, when I got in, I 'eard 'er s'y, "Yus, it'll be a great disappintment for 'im, pore boy," she sez, "arter lookin' forward to it an' all; but it can't be 'elped." And Muvver, she sez, "'Is Farver'll be sorry, too; it done Jimmy ser much good larst time. 'E can't pay not more nor 'arf-a-crownd a week towards it, but he can manage that, bein' in work jess now." But the lidy sez, "It's this w'y," she sez, "it costis us neelly arf a suffering over what the parint pays fur each child, and we ain't got the fun's fur to send more 'n a few, cos the Public don' suscroibe ser much as they might," she sez. "An' so this year we're on'y sending children as is delikit, an' reelly wants a chinge." So yer see, I ain't a goin'. I dunno as I'm delikit; but I do want the kerntry orful bad, I do. I wish I never 'adn't bin there at all 'cos then preps I shouldn' mind. An' yit I'm gled I bin, too. I dreamt about it larst night, Florrie, I did. I was a-settin' on this 'ere step, sime as I am now, an' it was 'ot an' stoiflin', like it is; an' all of a suddink I see Mr. Kennister's' cart wiv the grey 'orse turn into our court an' pull up hoppersite, an' Bob Rumble 'e was a-driving on it. An' 'e sez, "Jump up!" 'e sez, "an' I'll tike yer back to Mr. Delves's cottidge." And I sez, "May Florrie come too?" An' 'e sez, "Yus, both on yer." So up we gits, and we was droivin' along the lanes, and I was showin' yer the squills an' the stagses, an' jes as we come to the turn where yer kin see the cottidge Well, I don' remember no more on it. But it was a noice dream so far as I got wiv it, an' if I 'adn't never bin there, I couldn' ha' dreamt it, could I, eh? An', like as not, I'll dream the rest on it anuvver night An' you must try an' dream your share, too, Florrie. It'll be a'most like bein' in the kerntry in a sort o' w'y fur both on us, won't it?

The Moral.

(The Offices of the Children's Country Holidays Fund are at 10, Buckingham Street, Strand, and contributions should be made payable to the Hon. Treasurer.)

THE END

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