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My Name is Nell
Laura Abbot
Brady Logan never expected to find Nell Porter when he left California. He didn't even know he was looking for her.After the death of his wife and child, Brady Logan barely felt like living, never mind loving again. Meeting Nell has somehow made him want to do both. She's nothing like the people he knew in the past, but he's ready to leave all that behind anyway.How could he know that Nell harbors a secret that makes it impossible for them to ever be together?
A sanctuary
“That’s what you’ve created here, and I will be forever grateful. I have been so alone. Unable to see direction for my life. Not sure if there even is one… When you’ve loved and lost, you wonder who you are. Whether you can go on. Or even want to.”
Brady pondered whether he should continue reading the journal. The words were too emotionally raw. Some other person had come here full of the same thoughts and feelings he had. Unable to help himself, he turned back to the page.
“Regardless of how desolate I feel right now, I have to believe that somewhere out there is someone for me. Someone I can trust. Someone I can love.”
Brady stared for the longest time at the signature. Simple. Bare. Exposed. “Nell.”
Nell, whoever she was, was more optimistic than he was. God, he hated his blatant, whining self-pity. If Nell had been willing to look for something, why couldn’t he?
Absently he realized he was still holding the guest book, his forefinger marking Nell’s page. He reread the entry and a crazy idea entered his head. But no crazier than what he’d been doing.
Tomorrow, after he checked out, he would drive to Fayetteville to find Nell.
Dear Reader,
Have you ever experienced a time when all around you others seemed happy, productive and blessed, while you felt burdened by failure, disappointment or loss?
Recently my husband and I had a delightful getaway to a wonderfully hospitable B and B in Jessieville, Arkansas. In each room was a small journal in which previous occupants had recorded impressions of their stay, describing such benefits as reduced stress, renewal of relationships, a redirection of goals—and, of course, special romantic times.
I couldn’t help myself. My writer’s imagination kicked in. What if (the question with which every story idea begins) someone in the depths of despair were to read such entries? The contrast between the experiences of others and one’s own emotional state could be devastating. But…what if there was a single entry echoing that same sense of isolation?
Thus was Brady Logan born. A man who has lost almost everything and turned his back on the rest. A man without purpose and direction until he reads that one journal entry that sends him on a quest to find a woman named Nell—who may be the only one capable of understanding why he feels as he does.
It was a pleasure to send the urbane, successful Brady Logan to Fayetteville, Arkansas, a far cry from his Silicon Valley milieu. There he rediscovers the value of simple things and the healing power of new relationships, and, with Nell’s help, learns that life offers an abundance of second chances if one can put the past in perspective.
May Nell and Brady affirm your faith in new beginnings!
Laura Abbot
My Name is Nell
Laura Abbot
www.millsandboon.co.uk (http://www.millsandboon.co.uk)
For my friend Jackie
with appreciation, affection and admiration
CONTENTS
PROLOGUE
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
EPILOGUE
PROLOGUE
GRIPPING THE STEERING WHEEL of his Escalade, Brady Logan clenched his teeth and focused on the road ahead. The road away. He should give a damn. Most men would. But he felt nothing, not even relief.
When he’d made his final tour of the elaborate, expensive, now-empty house in the upscale Silicon Valley community where he, Brooke and their daughter Nicole had made their home, he’d been dry-eyed, detached. After locking the front door for the last time, he’d paused, studying the blinding white-stucco exterior, waiting for any emotion that would make him feel alive. Nothing. Only the familiar numbness.
Now, driving past the sleek four-story headquarters of L&S TechWare, nestled among the lushest landscaping an unlimited budget could provide, he still felt nothing.
Eight months ago he couldn’t have imagined picking up like this and walking out. With only ingenious ideas, damn hard work and luck, he and his friend Carl Sutton had built a successful software company, now traded on the Nasdaq. He’d married a beautiful blue-eyed California blonde, purchased the gadget-laden home and cars, hired a live-in housekeeper and yard man and been accepted for membership in clubs so prestigious you didn’t inquire about initiation fees, you simply wrote the check—a large one. In short, he had “arrived.”
The best things, though, money couldn’t buy. Brooke had been far more than a trophy wife. She was his other half, full of fun where he was serious, understanding of his long hours and driven work ethic. When he’d thought life couldn’t get any better, Nicole had come along and grown into a loving, giggly, remarkably unspoiled preteen who’d won his heart in a way no one else ever had.
Brady gave L&S TechWare one last glance in the rearview mirror, then headed for the Interstate. It didn’t matter where he was going. He should care, but he didn’t. The important thing was that he was going.
Carl had accused him of running away. Hell, maybe he was. As he saw it, though, he had two choices. Stay and slowly, steadily, implode, or get out of Dodge and look for any spark left of the man named Brady Logan.
Here all that remained were sights, sounds, smells and memories—oh, God, the memories—reminding him that in one horrible instant, everything he loved had been wiped from the face of the earth.
Vaporized by one irresponsible drunken son of a bitch, who just happened to be driving a loaded gasoline tanker.
CHAPTER ONE
Late July, seven weeks later
Arkansas
“I DON’T SEE WHY I have to go.” Abby slouched in her seat in the airport lounge, kicking at her carry-on bag. Two hanks of straight blond hair hid her features, but Nell Porter could well imagine the surly put-upon look on her thirteen-year-old daughter’s face.
“You’ll have a good time at your father’s,” Nell suggested without the faintest trace of conviction in her voice.
“Yeah, sure. Like there’s so much to do in stupid Texas.”
Nell sighed. This was yet another reprise of the conversation they had once a month when she took Abby to Northwest Arkansas Regional Airport to fly to Dallas for her court-ordered visit with Rick. Abby had no way of knowing how Nell dreaded the gnawing in her stomach every time she had to consign her daughter’s care to the airlines—and then to Rick and Clarice, his second wife. In fact, she didn’t know which was worse, thinking of her daughter all alone thousands of feet above the ground in these troubled times or picturing her in the manipulative hands of the far-from-maternal Clarice, aka The Other Woman. Even six years later and after professional counseling, bitterness blindsided her, along with those all-too-familiar feelings of unworthiness and betrayal. She stared at her fingers, locked in a death grip, then quite consciously separated her hands and drew a deep breath. That was all behind her. By some miracle, and with the help of family and friends, she’d survived. If only she didn’t have to send Abby into the situation…
“Why do you make me go?” Abby’s voice was laced with belligerence.
“Honey, we’ve been over all this. It’s not a choice either of us has.”
“I hate going. I don’t have any friends there.”
“What about your dad? He’d be disappointed not to see you.”
“Maybe.” Looking up finally, Abby tucked a strand of hair behind one bestudded ear. “But he doesn’t have a clue what to do with me when I get there. I mean, how many times do I want to go to Six Flags? Besides, I’m missing Tonya’s birthday party.”
Abby’s remarks evoked guilt Nell knew was irrational. As if she could have done any more to influence the custody decision. Or changed the fact Rick was entitled to spend time with their child. Did Abby ever tell her father how she felt about the visits? No. Whenever she was with him, she did a good imitation of the dutiful daughter. Inevitably when she came home, Nell faced the task of picking up the pieces, putting them back together as best she could and then sending Abby on her way the next time. Like now. Abby needed a punching bag, and Nell was handy. Somehow that insight didn’t alleviate the hurt her daughter’s petulance generated.
The mechanical drone of a commuter plane drawing up to the gate was accompanied by the disassociated voice of the loudspeaker announcing the arrival of the aircraft Abby would be taking to Dallas. “You need to go through security now,” Nell said, rising to her feet.
“I guess.” Abby stood, shouldered her bag and trailed Nell all the way to the short line of passengers waiting at the checkpoint.
Nell watched Abby’s expression settle into affected pseudo-sophistication, the bored look of the veteran traveler. Yet when she turned and gave Nell a perfunctory hug, her clear gray eyes held not resentment, but misgiving. “Bye, Mom. See ya Sunday night.”
“I’ll be here,” Nell said. She watched Abby pass through the metal detector and pluck her bag from the conveyer belt, then waited to catch a final glimpse of her daughter’s rail-thin body as she descended the escalator and vanished from sight.
The empty feeling was always the same. It was enough to drive a person to drink.
But that was out of the question.
STELLA JANES SETTLED in the porch chair next to her daughter, then turned her gaze toward Abby, who stood at the edge of the lawn verging on an elaborate flower bed. “Do you really think that skirt length is appropriate for a middle school child?”
Nell stifled a groan. With too much idle time, her mother overly concerned herself with family. “It’s what all the girls are wearing.”
Stella continued staring at her granddaughter, who was herding her toddler cousin around the backyard. “I suppose, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
“Like what?” Nell’s statuesque older sister Lily, whose name fit her as well as the chic beige linen slacks and blouse she wore, approached with a tray of lemonade.
“Abby’s hem length,” Stella said.
Lily paused, then followed her mother’s gaze. “I see what you mean.”
Nell should be used to it by now, but their united front rankled. Lily and Stella tended to share a similar outlook, usually quite different from hers. They enjoyed what Nell thought of as “girly things” like quilting, home decoration and scrapbooking, while she had always preferred gardening, furniture refinishing and sports. No wonder she had gravitated to her father, finding refuge—and acceptance—in her role as “daddy’s girl.” There were moments, like this, when she felt like an outsider. As teenagers, her relationship with Lily had been strained, but they had grown closer as adults. Sometimes, in recent years, Lily had even dared to swim against the tide of their mother’s wishes. But not often. And not today.
Lily distributed the icy glasses. “When does school start?”
Grateful for the change of subject, Nell let out a breath. “A week from Monday.”
“In my day, school never started in August,” Stella reminded them. “Always the day after Labor Day.”
“It can’t come any too soon for me,” Nell said. “Abby needs a regular schedule. Time hangs pretty heavy on her hands.” When she was at work, Nell worried about her daughter. Aside from helping Lily with little Chase, Abby was at the mercy of friends’ mothers thoughtful enough to invite her to their houses. Otherwise she slept late and watched God-knows-what on TV.
Lily sank into the chaise and crossed her feet at the ankles. “At least next week she’ll be on vacation with Rick.”
“That’s supposed to comfort me?”
“Why not? You’ll have seven glorious days all to yourself.”
“Right. Seven interminable days to worry whether Rick will pay her any attention or, heaven forbid, let Clarice take her shopping like she did last summer.” Nell nodded in her daughter’s direction. “You think that skirt’s short? You didn’t see the outrageous outfit her charming stepmother selected to complement the salon job she set up for Abby’s hair and nails. When she came home, she looked like a prepubescent Britney Spears.”
Lily giggled, restoring Nell’s good humor. “Clarice always was a piece of work. Poor Abby.”
Stella rolled her eyes. “If I live to be a hundred, I’ll never understand it.”
“It” was the topic her mother avoided. The disgrace of Rick’s affair with the “younger woman,” the ensuing small-town scandal and the unthinkable divorce, one more way Nell had disappointed her mother’s expectations.
“Water under the bridge,” Nell mumbled.
“You’ll get through the next week all right?” Her mother’s anxious eyes signaled her unspoken concern.
Nell clutched her lemonade. Would she forever be under scrutiny? “Yes, Mother. I’ll be fine.”
She couldn’t fault her mother. Not really. She had only herself to blame, but it had taken her a long time—and cost her a great deal of pain—to reach that conclusion.
WHO WAS HE KIDDING ANYWAY? Nothing was better. If anything, it was worse. Brady stared into the murky depths of the thick ceramic mug he cradled between his hands, oblivious to the early morning chatter around him. These Main Street cafés were running together in his mind—each whirling, grease-layered ceiling fan, red leatherette counter stool and kitchen pass-through indistinguishable from the next. Though the spur-and-antler décor in Wyoming differed from this Arkansas country calico, the smell of bacon frying and the cloying cheerfulness of the morning-shift waitress were unsettlingly predictable.
“Decided?” The middle-aged redhead swiped a damp rag across the counter, then extracted a pad and pencil from her apron and eyed him speculatively.
“The special and a large o.j., please.”
“Got it,” she said and, with economy of motion, refilled his coffee.
Fortunately the adjacent stool was empty. He couldn’t have tolerated another desultory conversation highlighted by comments on the weather and the market—cattle, wheat or stock, depending on where he was. Two months. He mentally ticked off the states he’d passed through—Oregon, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, Nebraska, Missouri and now Arkansas—always avoiding the cities. He needed no reminders of the pressures of suburban affluence, rampant consumerism or commercial success. His frequent phone calls from Carl Sutton took care of that. Regardless of the artifice his business partner employed, underneath, his basic question was always the same: when would Brady get hold of himself and resume his work at L&S TechWare?
Brady didn’t have the heart to tell Carl that he rarely thought of the business and gave little consideration even to the next day, much less the interminable future yawning before him. On the other hand, he knew he couldn’t continue in his current mode, aimlessly wandering across the country, barely taking in the changing scenery, restlessly moving on after a few days in any one place.
The waitress plunked down a plate laden with eggs, bacon and the biggest biscuit Brady had encountered so far in his travels. “Haven’t seen you around. You here for the fishing?”
Mildly curious, Brady looked up. “Fishing?”
