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Comicality began with the naming of the Basilica of Bom Jesus and ended with Saint Ignatius of Loyola, a holy libertine, to whom the phrase “the end justifies the means” belongs. It is enough anecdotal. It seems that this is the Russian 101st-kilometer, where all the “undesirable elements” were exiled, or Portuguese Australia, where the condemned Englishmen served their sentence. However, the city of Tula is famous not only for samovars, gingerbread, gunsmiths and harmonics. Here, 101st km from Moscow, Peter the Great sent the famous Lefty, “who nailed the flea”. I’m used to it. But the analogies amused me.
Goans give away the satanically suspended upside down five-pointed stars, for the Bethlehem star, indicating the birthplace of Jesus. Christmas installations on dirty dusty roads and in the doorways don’t go well with the widespread signs of Swastika and Om. It reminds the Catholics that there is no need to wait for the judgment day, it takes place every day.
Darwin discovered that the plant and animal world does not exist by themselves but adapt to each other. St. Francis Xavier, and then the Inquisition converted the heathens into Christianity, not hesitating in the means as long as the goal was justified. Likewise, the Goans, opportunists, took the European names for themselves and decided that this was enough for a demonstrative change of faith in order to get their privileges from the colonialists.
Before the arrival of righteous Catholics, local residents of Goa managed to live peacefully under the Islamic Sultanate of Yusuf Adil Shah. Local residents since 1510 migrated, others died, while others descended from barren money trees, like the Darwinian dryopithecines, and adapted to life on earth under the names of others. It is not surprising that now Muslims, in particular, have fun at the expense of modern local Catholics.
Catholic Goans funnily, they look like colonial atavists. After all, in Goa, no one speaks and more so does not think in Portuguese. And the native language is considered the one in which you can think. By the way, the services in the temples are held according to the schedule: either in Konkani, local Goan language, or in Marathi, the language of the state of Maharashtra, or in Kannada, the language of the neighboring state of Karnataka, and even in English.
In fact, the first visit to Goa, apart from delight, surprises and a lot ofimpressions, brought me the first scars on the body. One of our Indian acquaintances, speaking fluently in Russian, volunteered to show us the northern beaches of Goa. We were delighted and agreed.
In the darkness, the full moon was shining brightly diluting the darkness so that one could feel like a cat, since visibility remained good for the human eye. We bewitchingly looked at the moon. Suddenly something like a black velvet curtain blocked the moonlight along with the moon itself. Eclipse. It was a bad sign, so I felt. Polia did not attach much importance to this. But I became anxious for some reason. The moon had nowhere failed to influence me.
Suddenly the Russian-speaking Indian returned, but not alone. Explaining to us that we will go on two motorcycles, so he had invited a friend. Polia liked the friend – big-eyed, with long thick black eyelashes. And she jumped decisively on the seat behind him: “Excellent! Let’s Go! A new adventure! The northern beaches of Goa in the night”.
I agreed in silence. Where? Who cares! This was an opportunity to see something new. On the way we came across a Hindu temple, where the service was going on. This I could not miss: “Stop-stop. Give me some time. I want to see this pooja”.
For the first time, I actually saw the Hindu temple from inside. There were people sitting on the floor, a pleasant aroma from the visible smoke swirled from the entrance doors into the night, the brahmin was at the center, the only person facing the entrance. I sat down next to everyone on the floor. I caught the sounds of pleasant meditative and at the same rhythmic music and started swinging alone everyone to its beat. I wanted to mew, like a valerian cat, inhaling the aromas of incense. I did not understand a single word, just got some information from outside. Well, sound waves and aromas do not need a sense or translation. I was always very perceptive to such rhythmic streams of sounds.
For the mystic, the world has two grades: the sacred (sacral) space and the space of everyday life. The mystic connects these two worlds with some sacred action. He is between these worlds, at the crossroads of two worlds. I got there where I had longed to be.
But then Polia appeared in the doorway, started to grimace and waving her hands at the exit. I had to obey again.
It happened on the way back, somewhere in Anjuna. Already considerably high on the Old Monk rum, I insisted on driving the motorcycle. As a result, my speed did not go well with the turn and I left imprints of half of my face and part of the right side of the body on the lateritic sidewall. My passenger, the Russian-speaking Indian, who was sitting behind me, jumped in time, unhurt. My friend Polina with the second guy stopped dumbstruck. While I was lying unconscious, my co-passenger panicked and went hysterical with flabbergasted eyes and waving his hands like a propeller: “Everything is over. We need to scoot, urgently! We have to get out of the scene, otherwise we will be in a lot of trouble, problems with the police. I can lose my job and respect. Let’s just sit on the bike and get out of here! Someone will soon notice her, identify her and deal with her. We cannot stay here, they will drag us to the police. This is a huuge problem!”
Polina, standing in a silent stupor, at this time was having other thoughts. How will she tell my mother and son about what happened, how will she take my coffin, or will I be cremated according to Indian tradition? And only the second friend turned out to be sane and adequate. He came up to me and began to feel my pulse. And when I opened my eyes and even stirred a little, then Polya calmed down and exhaled: “We take her with us, – she decisively gave orders to her friend. – We are going straight to the hotel”. The driver and Polina’s hands encircled me so that I would not fall along the road like a roly-poly. My co-passenger was still a bit upset about the scratches on the motorcycle, shaking his head, clucking, lamenting, and after calculating how much repairs would cost him, he followed us.
I was lucky. I just lost a little blood. Shattered, but not broken, I laughed at myself and my recklessness. Well, for the first time in my life I had sat on the pillion seat of a motorcycle, without a helmet, drunk, in the night, after a two-minute briefing, where the gas was and where the brakes were. But I drove this iron horse through speed breakers, pits and potholes, as if all my whole life I was not driving electric cars in the park or even my cars with right-hand drive, but like a real biker-girl racer. This led to the tragedy, when I did not want to be overtaken and accelerated without knowing the road, but the sharp turn left no choice: either directly into the ditch with a hot stream and snakes, or risk completing the maneuver. I chose the second one. And, of course, there was no time to choose. Obviously, I could not manage the controls and did not even slow down.
Fools should be taught. I got off easily. But even two weeks had not passed under the sun, I was already living a nocturnal life. The proximity of the hotel from the famous and most popular street of northern Goa – Titos lane – made things easy for me. It’s like the Arbat street in Moscow. At every step, there are hangouts, cafes, bars, restaurants, pubs, clubs. The street ends with an exit to the sandy beach of Baga with its shakes and music.
All day long, sitting alone in a hotel room by the windowsill, gazing at the beauty of nature through the window, in entangled thoughts, with fresh wounds, I remembered my childhood on the windowsill of the hospital in anticipation of my mother. Only now everything was fine with me. Everything was put to good use. It was a forced retreat this time for me, vipassana, meditation period. I do not know what else to compare it with, but I silently thanked fate for its outcome. This experience gave me the opportunity to reflect on my whole life. Circumstances seemed to be striving for this only. The days were followed by clear, fragrant nights with looney smile of the Cheshire Cat smiling at me.
By the end of our three-week vacation I already knew not only Titos lane, but also the Dudhsagar waterfall, Anjuna Flea market, two Saturday Night markets, Arambol, Morjim, Mandrem, Vagator, boat station at Sinkerim, Fort Aguada and much more. The main conclusion was – I fell in love and appreciated my life, because it is love of life that effectively helps me moving forward. Now I was convinced of the correctness of my choice and I knew exactly what I wanted and what I deserved.
In India, at last, I learned to trust myself and my own feelings, to live my own life!
For years, I have been waiting for my life to change, but now I know that it was life that was waiting for me to change myself. If you think that for happiness you need another person, you are mistaken. For happiness you yourself are enough. Another person is needed so that you can share your own happiness with.
Never and nowhere else in my life I have felt more at home than in Goa. Many people do not even have a homeland. This may sound strange, but it’s a fact. Someone may object, they say, I was born in Russia or in Ukraine, which means that my homeland is Ukraine or Russia. But this is just an illusion, my dear readers. The fact that you were born in a certain country or you have
the corresponding citizenship, as well as a passport, does not mean that you have a homeland.
“The homeland is a specific place. And this place must be on Earth. That’s all” V. Sinelnikov.
Now I understand that God saved me for something, gave lessons and showed that we must learn to read signs. I began to understand the degree of danger from which I was saved. It could have been worse. You need to listen to your intuition and not be led by circumstances, to think about yourself and not deviate from your goals. In Russia it would have taken another 20 years, but in India I was completely transformed within 20 days. Every person creates affliction for himself. My former self flowed out of me, along with the blood and scabs of healing wounds, leaving only scars on my skin as a reminder. Inside there was a creative process of growth, filling each and every level inside me. The change of darkness and light ceased to matter.
The second time I came alone. Now I was more circumspect. I should not have taken the risk. I rented a charming little house and lived for my own pleasure. “To suffer is a lot easier than change. In order to become happy, one needs to have courage” Bert Hellinger. I realized: nothing will happen until one experience is replaced by another. Until new impressions are gathered, their critical mass will not push everything else out of memory. For me, India definitely has healing properties. To each his own. I managed to find in myself the much needed potential, perhaps at the very last moment.
By the time of my second visit, I was no longer afraid of an exotic uncertain life, because I knew that no matter what happened, it would only make me stronger and more confident. Self-study of English was not easy, there was no one nearby who could help, even though I was in the language environment that I needed. But I was not going to part with my dreams just because there are some difficulties. I was striving to fulfill my dreams and not forget about them.
I was returning home via a wild beach in that part of Baga, where a river crosses it, when a friend called me. I took the mobile phone out of my pocket and focused on the conversation when a bunch of Indian kids shouted to me: “Snek! Snek!” (which means in Russian “snow” – editorial). I paid no particular attention to them and continued the conversation, going to the stairs with columns to the second floor of the building.
“Snek! Snek!” – children were screaming with startled eyes even louder and no longer alone, but with an adult woman running out onto the balcony “Strange children, – I thought, – where did they see the snow?” Perhaps it would be there in a February Russia, and not a piece of ice from the refrigerator. Or they have seen animation “Ice Age” enough. But the woman already were hanging from the balcony, leaning forward pointing at my feet: “Snek!” The behavior of an adult woman was startling. And I looked down at my feet. A large snake was wriggling before me. One more step, and I would have stepped exactly on it.
My reaction was lightning fast, although I was disoriented in the direction, but I jumped so far that I could be envied by an Olympian long-jumper. And the shrill shriek that I let out was probably heard all over the Western Ghats. My veins around my neck were swollen, but I was out of danger. Thank you, dear children and kind woman, for your concern. It turned out that the word they were shouting to me all this time was not “snek (i.e snow)”, but “snake”. Peculiarities of studying English not only in the language environment, but also in tropical Goa are taught quickly. From that day I stopped mixing-up the pronunciation of “beer with a bear” and “bag with a back.”
Being on the beach, among the palm trees, under the sun, I lay and looked up at the sky. In general, I was absolutely happy, no matter what. I was unfailingly moved forward by my dreams. Thoughts about moving became more and more real and clear. I counted my savings.
In the end, I was not the bewildered heroin e of “Eat, pray, love”. Because I had already two marriages behind me and a son, I just wanted to have the right to live carefree, without any plan and calculation, without any constant thought about how to find stability.
I decided that the most important thing is to try as much as possible to do what you like. And try everything that I once wanted. Where I will do this, it was decided. Goa, India. Probably, if I had not known myself so well before, I would not have achieved anything in life.
And I had nothing to complain about, to cry, nothing to regret. And there were no thoughts that it could pass very soon, like everything else passes. There was no thought that if you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. I decided to go through everything, absolutely everything that mother India would offer me.
Only after my arrival in India I did suddenly understand what was happening to me. The long-awaited period of freedom was here for me. I want to be a child. To study the world again. I want to get that experience that was lacking, because I was born an adult. Because it was always necessary to be reasonable, hard-working, rational, to rely only on yourself. Because at that time, the hungry and terrible time of the beginning of the 90’s in Russia, I gave myself the word that till my son becomes mature I will live for him, forgetting about myself, I took this responsibility. And in my forty years I finally got my right to bright clothes and irresponsible behavior. Refreshing gulps of freedom greedily fed my imagination. I can be myself. Without obligations, work, children and other complexes and attachments.
I, myself, had always been my own enemy and struggled all my life with myself. And now the struggle with self was over, it has transformed into love. You cannot argue with your needs and desires. And if for some reason my thorny path was needed, it was so that all my desires now are accepted as the only correct ones. All this became clear from my first visit to Goa. The state that gave me my female rebellion, showed me firmly: denial and vanity are over. All the doors are open, just push, do not look for the key.
The plan of what I want to do next was getting ripe in my head, and this plan was much more interesting than any film sets and the stage of theaters. I thought of everything because Iremembered all the signs that life showed me. And I accepted myself as I am. I will go to any extent, if I must.
Goa seemed a paradise to me, a place of immortality, but I was ready to die in it even when the hour of deliverance from the tyranny of the body came. The feeling of deficiency had vanished. And I enjoyed my favorite summer, the sun, to the hilt.
My sweet memories of childhood here were not only about the summer holidays in Kaliningrad, but also of the earlier creche days: when at a quiet hour I was lying on a cot in my pajamas under a blanket among the children peacefully sleeping and snuffling, and I looked at the clouds. Everyone was asleep, and I, with open eyes, quietly played with my imagination. These animated images from the clouds, changing and reincarnating into evil, and then again in good characters… And I was not afraid of either, realizing that the crumbling picture of one plot is the beginning of the next one. And I liked their unpredictability, innumerable variations and their speed. The happiest times and events in my life came back to me from my childhood dreams, I again found it interesting to live. I returned to my happy, long lost and almost forgotten self.
Here I wanted to whirl and whirl, drowning in the new emotions with which the Goan land is so generous, over this warm, divine coastal sand, surrounded by aroma of spices. The game of life continued. The interest of the explorer of the world around and the world inside himself was set off and turned into a plot without a genre. Whirling. So, I allowed myself to have everything I want. Never say “never”.
All happened long ago, all will happen again. Only recognition of the moment is sweet.
4 – ABU – THE FIRST MEETING
– Impossible. -Possible, if you believe in that. Alice in Wonderland
There’s no any sense to waste all your life for only the one path, especially if this path has no heart. Do this as if it’s just a dream. Act bravely and don’t look for excuses. Before you embark on any path ask the question: Does this path have a heart? If the answer is no, you will know it, and then you must choose another path. Carlos Castaneda
You’re never given a dream without also being given the power to make it true. Richard Bach
The journey from Moscow to Goa took place without incident.
“And, whenyou want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” Paulo Coelho.
Life always waits for a right moment to start acting. And I began creating myself consciously.
With full awareness, that it’s impossible to refill a full cup if not to get sorted out the baggage of the old stuff in the form of my past experience, out moded conceptions and the loose ends to tie up, I’ve made a cleaning of my life in all three dimensions: the past, the present and even the future, in which I had already had the loose debris- my hardened view regarding the future. Looking at my own mother, I stopped living as if I had two hundred years more ahead. The reorganization has brought me remarkable force and new energy. I’ve brought to an end each and every open issue to avoid even a hint of the possibility to stop or cancel my plans. I’ve handed out all my winter shoes and clothes to my friends, gave away some of the furniture, utensils, technique and the souvenirs I brought from my trips. I’ve even cleaned my virtual space by deleting all useless files and photos based on the principle that purification releases the energy. I’ve had enough even of the unreasonable stereotype of creative disorder covered by some art tendencies. It’s time to speed up, and a big load means less speed. The old accumulated information has become unnecessary for me now, it has might be atrophied completely the ability to hear the voice of my soul.
Any information tend to accumulate, it goes nowhere out of our subconscious, we have to filter it, otherwise, it inevitably trashes our channels and portals, creating enormous info noise. Because of that, we can easily make a lot of mistakes, and I’ve already had more than enough of them.
I’ve cleaned all the garbage out of my life in the physical, energy and mental layers. Without a deep searching of goals, senses, missions and destiny, or in another case it would take me twenty more years of my life and plenty of energy. So I’ve divorced my unloved husband with no regrets. Surely it hasn’t been without scandals, but with my son’s blessings too. The first time I’ve been married by my mother’s order, and the second one by my son’s request. Now I could live not for my mother, not for my son’s sake, but for my own. Burning my favourite Indian incense I’ve also been burning all the bridges, and I couldn’t help bursting into tears when I’d got a letter from my son in the army.
By that letter, he informed me, that when he’s back, he was not going to live in the illusory family any longer. He was going to rent a flat with a friend. Also, he saw how I suffered because of him, as my marriage, after all, was his idea and it wasn’t able to make me happy as he wished. He was thankful to me for my best years given to him. And in conclusion, he said: “Mom I will be happy if you become happy!” Those words have become the real blessing and the guidance from my son. Didn’t it look like some kind of mysticism, when 18 years ago I gave myself exactly that quantity of years for my liberation?
It’s impossible to love forcibly, with the best of intentions, by the fear of being alone or by order. It’s much easier to live with no love but what’s the sense. “Till the time you vacant space in your life for someone important to you, that you are, you will always seek and lose.” R. Bach. Now I was to find. I knew that love is tough if it’s true love, but where insecurity and risks are greatest there hopes are greatest too. Initially try to hear yourself. Learn to feel joy in your own company. Become happy enough that you’re not bothered anymore by the fact whether someone comes to your not.
I was already in love with India and was ready for any risks. I was very careful with my thoughts as I knew they create the reality. I’ve preferred India for my country or any other. I felt like a migrant or like a migratory bird. A person can do whatever he or she likes if he accepts taking responsibilities for that. Summing up my life by the age of forty, I’ve realized that my life was just beginning. The biggest resistance comes because of fear- the fear of the unknown. I wasn’t afraid as I was convinced that the Heavenly Powers never judge or criticize us, they accept us as we are, and afterwards only reflect our own beliefs automatically.
When I observed my countrymen in different countries, I’ve noticed tha wherever Russians would be settled down they never leave their country, except the cases when they fell in love. A refugee, an immigrant, an exile for Russian man it’s a dream of a glorious coming back. It’s an eternal paradox: looking to the future with the eyes turned back to the past. For many of them, it’s just another country, some abroad, a nation of strangers with the comfortable warm climate. A house, ordinarily rented, as a waiting room for the chimaera of dreams or, in other words, it’s waiting for an easy death in comfortable conditions.
Among other things in Goa, I paid attention to the enormous quantity of females of reproductive age, who brought themselves to the country with male outnumbering and still stay so naive to think that they can accomplish their maternal instincts. And in doing so they remain certain that their rights are still valid without any changing of the patterns in home-grown responsibility. Whereas truly happy international marriages, not arranged marriages in India, can be counted on the fingers of one hand.
I’ve also watched another category of my countrymen in Goa, leading a life of committed followers of “Dao De Dzin” on the theory of treatise Wu Wei attributed to Lao Tzu. More to the point, it’s non-action in which you can attain the Heavenly, or in other words, contemplative passivity. There’s a lack of motivation for an action due to the absence of causes. When there’s no thinking, no valuation, no desire. So they follow this lifestyle, completely forgetting that such existence is true only for enlightened people, whose mind is soft and disciplined, and totally enslaved by the human’s deep nature. Convinced in their progressiveness and enlightenment, they turn themselves into an alive fossil, creating their own system of discrimination onexternal appearances, feeding habits, areas of residence, but also they reproduce, preach and sell something.
Due to my age and experience, I preferred not to be considered to any category. I like the members of the cat family: tigers, lions, cats. They’re people with their own convictions, ideas, opinions and the way of thinking; people who like cats are always on their own, and each of them is unique and special; people who are not flocking in a pack, a crowd, a political party, a caste, a tribe or a family united by the same sound in the family name.
India has awakened me from forty years of sleeping when I first got to Hampi. There came an understanding, that the world is fragmented and impermanent. I felt like a tiny puppet among the centuries-old granite rocks of bizarre shapes looking like some giant decorations in a puppet theatre. Even casual conversations, advertisement on the way, insignificant small things were influencing me. I know myself the puppet systems, already had the experience of controlling them, but in Hampi, I’ve traded places with a puppet master, found my place of strength. And I’ve cut the threads from an illusory puppet master, artificially imposed by the modern repressive traditional world, as I’d got realized that even without them everything i interconnected in this world. I just need to pay attention to every detail, to tune in and surrender to Nature.
I understood that it’s useless making plannings for the life or thinking over big changes, but I need to act here and now inspired by new emotions and fresh impressions. We all tend to change as time goes on. I am individuality who is able to model my movement trajectory on my own, but not passively accept whatever, trying to fit in some stable prearranged order.
Exactly in Hampi, it struck me, that our personal greater good comes not from limitations and social roles we take, but from our bright and radical ideas, which undermine all social conventions, pushing forward the boundaries of our mind and its opportunities. Yes, I’ve decided, great changes are about to take place. Keep on moving forward! No plans!
Sitting in a really warm and comfortable Moscow apartment with uninterrupted electricity, gas and water and looking through my recent photos from the Indian trip, I’ve been smiling to the future. By that, the Universe was sending me its signs. All that was left was to read them and to decipher with a help of my intuition. What a strange meaning the words have taken! Almost twenty years ago when I was clawing my way into the metropolitan life for me and my son, I worked according to my vocation of the puppet theatre actress, lived independently avoiding the manipulative controlling from my mother and it used to be enough. That time I’ve been convinced, that everything was going according to the plan. And now the question arose: “What kind of job could I possibly get in India to have the opportunity to stay there?”
While still in sunny Goa, I had bought at the bookstore the entire series ofchildren’s books “Akbar and Birbal” for my further self-study of English, and that’s when I’ve made the optimistic decision- coming back to live and work in India. I’ve certainly been an optimist. “Optimists have their dreams come true, and pessimiststheir nightmares.” B. Show. I’ve myself set off some remote control at me, and with my own hands was switching my programmes. And all the programmes were showing only my sense of purpose. In any source of the information I used to find only the confirmation of the rightness of my decision.
“The only way to live good is leaving those places where you feel bad. Don’t change your dreams only because you don’t know how to make them true.
Only three things make a person happy: love, an interesting work and an opportunity to travel.” Bunin. Listen to your heart and act how your intuition tells you and you will find your way.
“Life is like a blank canvas. It’s up to you how you want to paint it. Just paint what you want. And don’t listen to those who don’t know how to paint. Not that one is happy who has all the best, but that one who extracts the best from what he has.” Confucius.
Even opening my diary from two decades earlier, I got into the pages with the Victor Tsoy quotes from my youth: “There’s no prison more scaring than that one inside your head”, “I am a free man as I always did what I liked and never did what I didn’t like”, “Our hearts demand changes”. Yes, life would be very tragic if it were not so funny. I was laughing. Browsing through never-ending advertising websites in search of work, I’ve come across the right vacancy. A new job as a tour guide. I felt quite capable for that role, and also it seemed an interesting job to do suited to my mentality and character. All things were incredibly successful. The biggest part of obscure issues of my future has taken the form of a happy ending. That’s for sure, to there where someone is waiting for us we arrive just in time.
Soon I’ve been invited for an interview. I wasn’t surprised by that. Who searches, always finds. That was bound to happen. After the meeting, the place of my work has been defined- a tourist guide in the North Goa. Hurrah! The training course has been started, it added to my English lessons also daily classes on India culture and history. The reading list I was searching all over Moscow, rare books I ordered over the Internet. I read and wrote down all the information, systematized dates and events, discovered for myself so many new things. I was running all over town from one training to another, barely remembering to fill the car. In order to catch the happiness, you have to know how to run. Success in life and self-realization are possible only at a fast speed.
I approached the completion of my plan knowing that its realization would definitely change my life for the better. I had no doubt in its achievement, unconditionally believing in myself, my own strength and courage. Also, I’ve held sacred my faith that I’m able to fight for my love. First of all, I’ve made my bet on true feelings for making my life complete with a true relationship.
“Any human will bring us sufferings. We just need to find someone worthy of our sufferings.” Bob Marley said. “A relationship is not a goal and not a reason for living, but just an instrument for a full healthy life. The only purpose of communication is collaboration, co-creation.” V. Sinelnikov
I’ve started taking each day of my life as a precious gift offering to me. I’ve simply accepted the game with my arising wishes in the same manner as the Arabian Sea was playing with its beloved waves in the vastness of the Indian Ocean. I believed, that a real and decent man inevitably would feel me and wish to stay with me until the end. Just because.. I’m such woman.
A happy free woman!
“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” Confucius.
According to your faith be it done to you.” – those are words from the Bible. Jeff Foster convinced, and I join him, that we are bound to get in this life those things in which we believe. We must know that we not always will have answers to our questions, but it doesn’t mean that we’re lonely in this world. We must understand that the life not always will have a meaning or go according to our plans, but it doesn’t mean that we won’t be able to find what we’ve been looking for so long. Whatever we wanted will find us in right time, when we are destined to get it, and when we’re ready to accept that gift. We just need to let go, to clear the way, to have faith. And allow what is meant to be ours, find us.
Life is not necessary a soap opera with endless drama and troubles. There is always some space for changes at any time, any moment of life, and I’ve become to notice that the range of new opportunities and unexpected chances around me expanded. Daily lectures on India history and culture were held by two instructors in turns, they not only knew the theory perfectly but have also done not only one season themselves.
Already on “getting to know each other” stage at our first lesson in Moscow, in Arbat where out training took place, I’ve realized where I had got into. I was surrounded by absolutely not random people. Each student introduced and told about himself in a few words. Here was a guy who worked as an army translator during six years and knew English and Arabian languages, the girl from Sakhalin who taught English and knew Japanese, two guys knew English and Spanish languages and they have graduated from MSU; teachers, interpreters, flight attendants, tourist guides with over seven years of work experience, journalists..
Initially, I was seized with an admiration from a new generation, and suddenly an understanding that I was among them by some miracle has come over me. I’ve become convincing myself that I belong to the group of those rare lucky guys, who are able to turn their hobby into the work and to use their skills from the previous jobs for the present activities. I need to become more productive, effective and happy. “The work of a tourist guide only will help me to reveal my creative side as a theatre actress” – I’ve decided, and tried not to puss out.
Focusing on the development of my own emotional and spiritual levels, I didn’t compare myself with others. I started training my memory skills, to awake the sleeping talents, the improvisation and the ability to think rationally in any situation. Before, I would be overwhelmed with doubts, beat myself up with the question: “what am I doing here among these young achievers?”, I would be terrified just with the thoughts about big changes in my life, was doubtful even of the correctness of my dreams. But now I’ve had faith in myself. My own journey has begun and I followed my own heart desires. I’ve transformed my current thought stream and intentionally turned it in the right direction: no panic. The things you take easy don’t control you anymore. And I haven’t given up.
“The highest pleasure is to do what others say you can not do.” Walter Bagehot.
The time has come. All courses were over, the car was sold. I doubt there was anyone happier than me. Happiness is contagious. The happier you are, the happier all around you are. And although fairytales don’t exist, I attempted to live a not boring life full of adventures.
“Have you ever felt that you were missing someone who you’ve never met?” Richard Bach.
Yes, I felt his absence during forty years. “There’re no perfect people, but there’s always someone perfect for you.” I believed to Bob Marley. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited, meanwhile, for the imagination even the world is not enough. And Abu had already settled in my imagination.
Clearly connected by something bigger than just an incident, our friendly group has arrived at the airport as a whole by the agreed time. The date of the flight matched one girl from our group’s birthday. And we were celebrating on the run, at the airport. We all were like a family, all so different we’ve become very close to each other after this one-month training. Our company indeed were quite motley, but very tight-knit. Everyone has noted that fact.
On arrival in India, we were going to have a guided tour- going all the way to all the tourist destinations which our tourist company provided. And it was much more interesting when we’ve been already prepared theoretically. By some joke at the baggage claim exactly our birthday girl’s baggage had been lost. But it didn’t discourage us and I shared my clothes with her. The organizers attempted to plan everything in the best possible way. And if our training in Moscow has been paid by us, then all expenses on the guided tour were covered by the company. The flight tickets, the accommodation, the food and the visas all was paid by the company. We’ve landed in Delhi. The only difference between a good and a bad day- is how you take it! It was just a perfect day! And one more time “Namaste” India! Things moved so fast that we just didn’t pay attention to some minor irritants: trash, dust, dirty streets, slum, deadly odour from the Yamuna river.
The amount of information, the rate we moved and the constant talks with each other have turned into a carousel from which I wasn’t allowed to fall out in spite of my age. My head was spinning around, but I’ve kept on making notes and my big note-book was going to an end. Sometimes I sketched the routes, wrote down English words and Indian names by Russian letters. But I really had lack of time for the English grammar. Nothing could stop me, everything brought some joy. I was always uplifted and in a very good mood, which was helping me to keep on my toes. All that was happening could be compared with a non-stop rotating caleidoscope. Everything was spinning before my eyes and inside my head, carrying me away into the depth of the Samsara wheel. Everything was rushing with the speed of sound but left to me the impressions and the gratitude for I’ve had a chance to see all that, to hear, to visit the places, to value, to remember and to make my collection of the exciting stories for my public. My audience was waiting for me, my new spectators the tourists.
Three days later our group of twenty people have been going already for a week tour to see tourist sites of Karnataka. The wasn’t even a sign of tiredness on our faces. Waking up the early morning we packed our stuff and took our places in the car. Among already familiar faces I’ve noticed a fresh one.
I’ve turned around at the sounds of the voice which seemed to me rich and credible. Such voice certainly used to be heard, a very good speaking voice with strong vocal cords and articulate speech; it was deep, loud and graceful at the same time. He was talking with an intonation of the BBC newscaster. The voice belonged to not tall, dark-skinned, sporty type man with sparkling eyes, who was rubbing his earlobe with the big and the index fingers. ABU.
He stood out among all others not only by his bright red t-shirt, the cap with a long brim and the natural tan skin, but he had a discerning eye with the light resembling the first rays of the rising sun. And only the small Mephistopheles beard was sticking up on his clean-shaven skull. It seemed to me that he was gazing through all the dimensions at the same time. With a springy walk, he has come to the crowd of the tour participants taking seats in the cars. Who was he? The guy has joined our big group so naturally, that not all at once spotted him. He was talking with the organizers, shaking the hands and was quite active in general. ABU.
I couldn’t catch the meaning of his words as he spoke English. But I could hear how clear and beautiful was his voice, I stood and stared at his sincere, open, wide smile with which he used to charm the people around him so easily. He carried himself so naturally without a shadow of being phoney or any attempts to show off that he has immediately taken over you. ABU.
Abu and me were sitting in different cars, that was decided by the organizers. But at every stop, for breakfast, lunch or sightseeing, Abu filled out the entire space and seized the attention of the people around him. And I still couldn’t get a single word. Although I’ve right away noted his talent and the acting ability for he was grabbing attention like a magnet. There have been quite a few Indians with us, but Abu was everyone’s favourite. He was charismatic, one of a kind, a man with the spirit capable to engage you, arouse your interest and hold your attention, he could easily make you laugh or to make you think without any attempts to preach. Even without understanding the meaning of the words, I could see how he controlled the audience and it has helped me to realize the way of the right interaction with tourists like an actress in front of theatre spectators.
My thoughts flow was interrupted by the laughter around me not just once, everyone was laughing at Abu jokes. I was the only one who was giving a poor reaction. He had an incredible ability to lead people by his own example and to infect them with his own interest. His approach was so energetically powerful, that even me with no getting a meaning, caught myself smiling. I just nodded my head from time to time like a china doll. His leadership was beyond any descriptions, you could only experience it. My feminine has been charmed by his magnetism, but as I couldn’t understand his words, I just savoured his image and the sound of his voice. Although the failure to get the point of his speech hurt me with some jealousy.
The day full of events has begun with the first stop for breakfast near a roadside inn. They have shown us a washroom and I went there to check the place to have an idea where to send my future tourists to. Under the washbasin, there were small puddles left after cleaning the floor in Indian style, such as pouring water on the sides in the expectation that when the sun rises it would get dry up naturally. Indians never overdo, as well as all Asian though. They are in the hands of never-ending “susigada” or siesta. There’re two fundamental rules they follow: 1) Never do today what you can do tomorrow or not to do at all; 2) Who knew life, that is no longer hurries.
But to any Russian woman of my age, those rules seemed absolutely absurd as we’ve been taught the opposite. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today” – they said attributing this expression to the uncle Lenin. And if they said so, then it’s not just a rule to follow, but you might be blamed in neglecting with all its consequences as soon as the Party only get a chance.
I washed my hands and was going back already but suddenly I’ve noticed a huge monkey sitting lazily on a tall tree with the crooked branches. Later turned out that it was langur monkey. A black shrivelled muzzle with attentive eyes, a very long black tail, black leather paws with long fingers color red like a Siamese cat. This Hanuman pensively was holding a nut near his teeth until he has suddenly swung his arm back and threw the nut exactly in my forehead. I didn’t have a chance to get out of the way and I slipped on the wet floor, in reaction. There came the sounds of something heavy hitting the floor, and from outside you could note only two legs sticking out from the restroom and raising up like above water in synchronized swimming.
Surely those who have seen that became laughing. I myself felt no pain but the attack of uncontrollable laughter. With whom else that could have happened? But in my head, I thought that it anyway was much better than that story happened to my theatre friend who was sailing on the tour in Kamchatka and the whole way she had spent in the stateroom having terrible attacks of the seasickness. And when she was invited to see the northern lights, she was simply blown away from the deck into the freezing waters of the sea. I was wet, but at least felt warm.
The guys who have come to help me lifted me up carefully and said that the langur had blessed me as a monkey was a holy animal for Indians. They also added that it was a very good sign and I’ve been a chosen one. To my surprise, even the grinning monkey was pointing at me with her long black finger and making some weird sounds either hiccup or laughter. Like in a movie. Well, I’ve been blessed, that’s nice. The clothes dried up as well as the floor, we had breakfast and moved further. And this cartoon episode has drawn Abu and public attention to me, though I felt more like a carnival joker.
All our group except me loved Abu. Because of him the only thing I used to do- was running from one to another with the requests to translate for me one thing after another. But the colleagues simply couldn’t keep up with Abu as an interpreter also needs time, and we didn’t have it enough. I realized that a lot of good and interesting information has been missed. By my colleagues’ reaction, I could understand that he was telling something very important and fascinating and in a very thrilling manner too. All I could do was to admire his artistry, the athletic body and professional skills inherent to a genius.
Sometimes our eyes met and I couldn’t help but have taken my eyes off him. But later I’ve again heard his voice and it has been absorbing all my attention and my thoughts. I looked at his eagle’s profile, the energetic chin, full lips, sparkling almond-shaped eyes full of expression. I couldn’t take my eyes off the grace and confidence he demonstrated every time appearing in public, his accurate gestures, the clear speech and obviously an exceptional sense of humour when even me was laughing together with all the group without understanding what it was about. His laughter was so contagious that it was almost impossible to resist. At some moment it seemed to me that he was the man of my dreams, whom I visualized so many times before but only fair-skinned. At the same time, I felt some pressure because of lacking a common language. I spoke Russian, but Abu didn’t know it. later revealed that he knew eight languages! I felt flawed and hated him with jealousy. Abu was giving a dizzying tour on the aboveground catacombs of the intricate Hampi routes, he spoke out loudly and clearly, looking directly
into the spectators’ eyes.
For a night the organizers got us rooms in a real fancy five-star hotel in a Hospet town from where we were to heading back to Hampi early morning. The organizers made a deal to not close a swimming-pool with fountains and a jacuzzi for us and even to switch on all the illumination as an exception. And we got a chance to swim in the pool, refreshing our tired, dusty sweaty bodies in cool waters under multi coloured rays of light. Here someone got an idea to celebrate this unforgettable day and to have some whiskey before going to sleep, just to chill out a bit at the back of the hotel with a pool view. We all quickly backed this idea up. And that was indeed such a loving evening! We felt so relaxed, had much fun and laughed all the time.
Finally, I’ve had an opportunity to have a good conversation in my mother tongue, to share my stories and to tell about my impressions. I really enjoyed my auditory, they were responsive and getting my sense of humour, we were on the same page. When I was going pretty big, Abu has joined us. And my evening has been finished on that. As soon as he has appeared all focus shifted at him in a flash. And again I was sitting like a doll blinking the eyelashes and couldn’t catch a word. I’ve poured some whiskey, it didn’t make me feel better. Has drunk some more, didn’t help.
